Trevor walked over to the couch and sat down. “Instead of listening to my gut, I made the call to move forward with the op. I gave the go-ahead for Lisa to enter that building, and she died a horrific death because of it.”
Olivia reached for his hand. “Trevor, what happened to Lisa was awful, and I can’t imagine what you and your team went through. But it wasn’t your fault.”
He stared back at her, the sadness in his eyes heartbreaking. “I went through the pointless cycle of what-ifs. What if I had just waited a few more days until Jake was better? Maybe we would have learned about the tunnel and been more prepared? What if I’d listened to my instincts and demanded the CIA do a more thorough look into the asset’s history and known associates? What if I had pushed the higher-ups harder? It went on and on.”
Olivia understood completely. She’d played the what-if game ever since the day she’d been taken and her friends had been ruthlessly killed.
He blinked, and his glossy eyes found Olivia’s again. “I blamed myself for a long time. The guilt ate at me. Watching those videos, seeing someone I cared about being tortured like that, and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it.” He shook his head slowly. “I’ve never felt so...”
“Helpless,” she whispered for him, her face wet from tears she hadn’t even realized had fallen.
Trevor’s expression changed instantly. He squeezed her hand and looked at her apologetically.
“Damn, Olivia. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. After what you went through”—he released her hand to run his fingers through his hair—“Jesus, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Olivia promised, sniffing as she wiped the tears away with her hands. “That’s exactly how I felt about what happened my group. I blamed myself for all of it, but Jake helped me see that there really wasn’t anything I could have done to save them.” She drew in a cleansing breath. “In my head, I know he’s right, but my heart still hasn’t fully caught up, yet. So, although our situations are quite different, I think I sort of understand where you’re coming from.”
His brows went together. “Yeah, I guess you probably do.”
“What I don’t understand,” Olivia said softly. “Is what any of this has to do with me and Jake.”
His look was piercing. “I didn’t push Lisa into looking more closely into her asset. Every time I brought it up, it caused an argument. Same thing happened when I brought it up to the guys sitting behind their desks in Washington. So, I did the easy thing. I went against my better judgment, and I let it go.”
“What I’m trying to say, Olivia, is that I don’t know if it would have made a damn bit of difference if we’d waited. But if there was even a chance that waiting could have kept Lisa from being tortured to death and kept my men alive...I should have waited. No matter what the consequences were, personal or professional.”
He let that sink in for a minute before asking, “Do you understand what I’m saying? I should have done whatever it took to keep her and the others safe. Even if that something would have ruined our chances at catching the bastard we were after. It was our job as a team to protect Lisa on our ops. Her safety should have trumped our objective, hands-down. No matter the cost.”
Now, she understood. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Trevor. I really do, but it’s not the same thing.”
Trevor shifted his weight so that he was facing her more directly. “See, that’s where you’re wrong, honey. You, Lisa...it’s exactly the same. Jake and I are the same. So are Coop and Derek, and hell, even Grant. Guys like us, we’re cut from the same cloth. Willing to protect the people we care about using any means necessary. I cared for Lisa, a lot, and I’ll never forget her, but you? You mean a hell of a lot more than that to Jake.”
Trevor waited, giving her the opportunity to speak, but Olivia didn’t really know what to say, so he kept on.
“Honey, he did what he did because he was in love with you. Even way back then. He couldn’t take the chance of something happening to you. Jake knew if you ever found out the truth about your brother it would probably ruin your friendship forever, but he still took that risk because he loves you, and the thought of something happening to you because he talked was unbearable.”
When Olivia shook her head in disagreement, Trevor raised his voice slightly. “Look, Olivia. Jake had two choices. He could risk your being hurt or, God forbid, killed, or risk you hating him for the rest of your life. He chose the latter, because at least you’d be alive to hate him. Do you honestly think it was easy for him? That lying to you about something he knew cut you so deeply was a choice Jake made lightly?”
Olivia suddenly found herself on the defensive. Lifting her chin, she said, “Honestly? I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do,” he said without pause. “And, so do I.”
Trevor released her hand and stood. He walked toward the living room window, again, before turning and facing her. His hands rested low on his hips, his handsome face was dead serious.
“It takes a lot to scare me, Olivia, and I’ve got to tell ya. The night Jake heard you’d been killed...he scared the shit out of me.” His words made Olivia wince, but Trevor didn’t stop. “I’ve been by his side through thick and thin, but I have never seen him hurting as badly as he was the night he thought he’d lost you.”
Trevor moved toward her again, stopping to crouch down in front of her. Taking her hands in his, he said, “When Jake heard you were dead, it was like someone flipped a switch.
