I don't want to see the truth. I want to ignore it. But the reality of it is, there's no future for me and Kane that involves love. He may still be inside of the man pacing the crypts below, but whatever love we had is gone. That glimmer of hope that teases me within Kane is just small flame of his soul. I don't know how to bring him back, but I do know that I've reached a point of no return. If I don't kill him, Willem is right, Drogaem will kill everyone.
I begin to think about the logistics of it all, how I will go about it. It won't be hard for me to get close to him, he wants me close to him. It's not an emotional thing, it's a control, and something else that I just can't put my finger on. An obsession with my powers, powers that I don't even use. I have the dagger, hidden in the garden. All I need to do is go and retrieve it, and he could be dead by nightfall.
We could be dead by nightfall.
I begin to think about my life, what it's been like up to this point, and how if I kill Kane this is where my story ends. They may or may not talk about my bravery, saving the Underworld and the Mortal Realms from Drogaem. Most likely, seeing as I am mortal, they will hide it all. I will be the crazy lover, mad with mortal rage. But the truth is, none of that matters to me. I don't care what they say about me when I'm gone. I just want to make sure that if there is even a flicker of the old Kane left inside of him, he knows that I have no other choice. That what I'm doing is out of love. No matter what version of Kane is present, I can barely think about plunging the knife into his heart. To kill the man, the only man I've ever cared about, it's cruel, probably the cruelest thing that he will ever force me to do.
I get myself out of the bathtub, dry off, and pull on a simple black dress, scoop neck, with laces up the back. It's not too conservative, but not Lilith either. I know that no matter what I wear, I will not attract that kind of attention from Kane. Everything he does has a purpose and it's not to be with me like it used to be.
After letting out my emotions and rethinking everything, those walls that I learned how to build around my emotions to keep Kane out, have now become what I'm using to keep my own heart from my own mind. I have to keep it like that, or I'll never be able to follow through. I walk toward the door, reaching my hand out for the handle, ready to go retrieve my knife. As I do though, my vision begins to blur again, and I stumble, putting my hand up and catching myself on the wall. The sounds from outside, and the footsteps within the castle grow muffled as if they're further and further away. That same voice whispers as if it's blowing through the wind.
"No… Not yet." The voice feels so familiar, and though at first, I thought that it was the woman who haunts me, I know now that's not who it is.
I put my hand to my forehead and press my fingers to my temples, clutching my eyes shut. Flashes of visions pop through my mind, me, heading toward the gardens, me standing at the doors, a fear dropping into my belly. I gasp and open my eyes wide, pushing it all out of my mind. Something or someone is telling me not to go and retrieve the dagger. Call it a vision or a gut instinct, it doesn't matter. One thing I've learned living in the Underworld is that when you feel truly and deeply about something, you listen to your instincts. It can be the difference between life and death.
I lock my door back and take off the dress, pulling on my night dressing gown. I am resigning to stay in my room for the rest of the evening and won't be joining anyone for dinner. I feel exhausted, out of it. I don't know if I'm coming down with something, or if that's even possible in the Underworld, but all I want to do is crawl beneath the blankets, lay my body on the soft knitted sheets, and fall into a dreamless sleep.
I walk back over to the door and open it up, poking my head out. Just as I thought, the Guardsmen are back. After everything that Kane and I have been going through, it doesn't surprise me in the least that he's put them back there. "I need you to take a message to Kane or Willem. To whom is up to you. I'm not feeling well, and I'm going to go to bed. I will not be joining them for dinner but I will see them in the morning for breakfast."
The Guardsman nod, smacking his heels together and hurrying off down the hallway. I glance at the others but they don't even look at
