So, we remain silent, allowing the distance to push us apart. I don't know what to say to him, and it's obvious he doesn't know what to say to me either. I do know that this newfound distance is painful, even more so than the secrets we just revealed.
Chapter 12
Briar
Drogaem is quiet, rarely summoning Kane, and barely paying any notice to me.
Some days I feel forced to be in my chambers while others I don't even feel an inkling of control from Drogaem. I know that's not a good sign. I know that he's planning, conniving, and making way for whatever take-over he has decided upon. I try to find out information, but he is sneaky, keeping himself hidden and secrets close to the chest.
When I wake, I decide to sit out on my balcony, eating some fruit that I found in the kitchen of the castle. Without servants and without Drogaem forcing me to eat meals with him, I have to make do with whatever I can find. Luckily there's enough food to feed Drogaem's entire army, so the only thing I really need to worry about is not being seen.
Kane and I are still distant, though we always find refuge with each other after Drogaem takes his frustration out on Kane's body. He doesn't let Kane get too strong, which is frustrating. And Kane doesn't allow me to fully use my powers on him anymore because he doesn't want Drogaem to see how well I'm healing him. I understand, but it's hard to stop.
During the day, I daydream, and at night after I train, I dream. My dreams are becoming easier to understand. I feel more comfortable when I travel in the dream world, sharing a body with Lux. I see things that I didn't understand before, the emotions associated with Lux and Drogaem, ones that almost run parallel to the way I feel for Kane. In some ways, I'm starting to come to terms with my double life. I don't only feel Lux in my dreams, I feel her when I'm awake as well. It's as if I have two souls in one body. One of them had been a goddess, in love with the wrong man. The other is a mortal in love with an immortal, a rather impossible relationship.
While my days are easier without Drogaem breathing down my neck, the hours' drag on, and I know they're only counting down until we reach the battle we've been waiting for. But I'm tired. I'm tired of this isolation that has become my normal. I'm tired of being isolated from Kane as well. The Castle is vast, and it's easy to get away from others, to avoid the hard conversations. Kane isn't the only one that's doing it though, I find myself fearful that I'll find out more hurtful information, so I hold myself back from speaking to him.
I took freedom for granted for far too long, and now I know that the only way I'm going to get it back is by surviving the fierce fight that we have ahead of us. This fight is one that I'm not even sure that I'll survive. I know that if I don't, neither will Kane.
Sometimes I feel brave and ready thinking about the battle to come, planning my strategy, fueling the powers inside of me, and imagining a victorious end to these dark days. But other times, when I ponder the reality of facing Drogaem head-on, I remember the last time that he and I fought. I shudder every time at the thought. The way his hand struck me, the way he enjoys it when flesh is torn. The way he held me captive in the tombs and continues to whenever he feels the need. There's a disgust that bubbles in my chest, knowing that he's part of me right now. That I cannot unlatch him from me at this point. I wonder if my powers will ever be strong enough to do so.
Kane keeps telling me that I need to keep my faith. That I need to stay hopeful because, without that hope, I will never survive this. I will snuff out the flame that burns inside of me before it has a chance to do what it's meant to do. Lux sacrificed so much to keep that hope alive in herself, and sometimes I think her soul is still helping me keep that flame going. Maybe that's the warm feeling I get when I dream of her.
It's very easy to start to see things in a cynical view, but I have to stop myself every time. If I get too deep, if I allow the darkness and the drudgery of this place to steal my human emotions, everyone is doomed, not just me.
I finish the rest of my breakfast and stand up, stretching my arms over my head. I plan to train some more, by myself, of course, as I don't know where Kane is at the moment. It's okay though, I find that without his distraction and the tension between us, I can focus better on my powers.
As I turn to walk back into my room, something flashes in the distance. I stop and narrow my eyes, finding a line of Drogaem's Huntsmen marching around the castle and out of sight. My brow scrunches, and I try to remember what's in that direction. I trace my footsteps through the castle, recalling every view of every window I've stopped at along the way. When I reach the balcony in my mind, the breath catches in my chest.
I don't even put shoes on. I turn and race across my room, throwing my door open and sprint down the hallway. I turn right and left, taking my usual course past the steps to the catacombs, and around to the main balcony that leads to the gardens. I trot down the steps and
