I balled my hands into fists—angry at him, angry that I couldn’t stop crying, angry that more words escaped my lips before I could stop them. “I care about you, Tarik. Like really care, in a way that makes my knees weak and my stomach flutter and my chest tighten.”
Choking in a breath, I said, “But I don’t let people into my life, because they do this. This back and forth. People take and take, and I’m so tired. I don’t have enough pieces left to give if I want to keep standing. My life is too complicated right now as it is. I can’t do this with you anymore.”
Planning to squeeze past him, I took a step forward, only for my traitorous mouth to open one last time. For the words I had been holding in to spill out, for everything—every emotion, every heartache—to be laid at his feet. “You kissed me—kissed me like I was nothing. And all the while, I can’t stop thinking about you. All day, every day, all the time. All I’ve really wanted this week was for you to be there, even once, to talk so I’d know what you’re thinking. How you feel . . . if you’re safe. I’m driving myself crazy. But you don’t seem to care. So you heard me. I’m done.”
My jaw clenched as I shoved past him, opening the door and slipping into the city again. I didn’t care if I was caught. I was pretty sure that baring my soul to Tarik hurt me more than Mordecai or death ever could.
Maybe Mordecai was right.
Maybe love is pain.
I didn’t go after her.
I couldn’t. My intestines were on the floor. At least, I was fairly sure they were. Her words had ripped me open, leaving a gaping hole behind. And an ache unlike any I’d ever felt before. I had screwed up. I had screwed up bad. I hadn’t realized she’d started to reciprocate my growing feelings toward her. The feelings I trampled again and again in hopes that they’d eventually disintegrate.
And now I’d trampled her.
A hand squeezed my heart and I embraced the pain. Let myself feel every bit of that piercing agony, because I deserved to. I deserved to rot in hell for what I had done to her.
For a split second, relief swamped me, relief that she felt as I felt. But the feeling was savagely replaced with shame. And guilt. I didn’t deserve her.
She’s not your girl.
“I know,” I muttered. I knew what I wanted—I knew with a fiery passion—but I couldn’t have it. I couldn’t have her.
Destruction followed me wherever I went. She didn’t deserve that. I would never be good enough for someone like her. So kind and giving. So innocent.
She had wanted something from me. Me, the screw-up with a short fuse. In a world surrounded by men whose only goals were to use her, she needed someone who would give instead of take. Who would give her their heart. Gaia, she wanted my heart.
But I couldn’t give her something I didn’t have.
She’s not your girl.
“I know!” I roared and punched the door frame, pain jolting up my arm.
“After what that girl said, are you really going to let her walk away?”
I whirled, blinking as Rebel Leader strolled toward me, hands in his pockets. I still couldn’t believe I was under the same roof as him again. And in one piece. I had expected at least one of his sons to take a shot at me for all the terrible things I said after I’d left. His name wasn’t actually Rebel Leader—we only called him that to protect his identity on the rare occasions he left the Safehouse. I avoided speaking his real name either way. It made the distance I’d created between us over the years more bearable.
I inhaled through the pain consuming my chest, saying, “You heard all that?”
He nodded and pulled his hands free as he sunk onto the stairs, placing elbows on bent knees. “You two were pretty loud.” He chuckled, patting the stair next to him. An invitation to talk. Something I had planned to avoid until my dead corpse turned to dust. “Come on, Tarik. I can’t stand seeing you like this anymore.”
My lips pinched together. There was no way I’d share my problems with him. No way—
“Like what?” I clenched my teeth. Stupid, idiot mouth.
“Like a mountain crushed you, yet you still found a way to shoulder the weight. Like you think you deserve to carry that burden for the rest of eternity. Your penance.”
I couldn’t endure his all-knowing gaze a moment longer. I stared at his bare feet. “I do deserve it.”
“Why?”
I blew out a frustrated sigh, glaring up at him. “You know why.”
His expression clouded, eyes growing distant. “So that’s what this is about,” he whispered. For a moment, he looked lost. Then his face cleared. “After all these years, you haven’t forgiven yourself.”
The statement was so abrupt, so certain, that I sputtered, “Wh-what?”
“You haven’t forgiven yourself for that night—the night they took Leilani from us.”
At the mention of her name, I flinched, hunching under the weight it pressed down on me. Anger bubbled beneath my skin. Anger that he would so casually dredge up her memory. My eyes narrowed to slits. “Would you?” I snapped. “Would you forgive yourself for not being there when she needed you most? For letting her suffer under the hands of those foul, disgusting beasts while you stood there and watched it happen?”
My voice had risen to a shout, arms shaking with rage. But his expression was the exact opposite of mine. Sad.
“Tarik,” he said softly. “You didn’t stand there. You fought to save her with everything you had and were
