“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I just wish I could be there for you.”
I sat down on the futon; my lips pulled into a sad smile. “Stop… You’ve done everything for me. You’ve always been there for me.”
“I can’t wait to see you Saturday and give you the biggest hug.”
“I can’t wait to see you, Mom. Miss you.”
“I miss you, too, sweetie. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We talked for a few more minutes before saying our goodbyes. I cried for a solid twenty minutes after we disconnected the call.
Talking to my mom made me feel better and worse at the same time. She reminded me of the comforts of home and of unconditional love, but not being able to tell her what was going on with me was killing me. I was sad thinking about Carter’s death. I was hurt about her possible participation in the prank. I was mad at being set up for something I didn’t do. I was irritated that Aiden wouldn’t confirm my alibi. I was confused about the intense sexual attraction to Jay. I was stressed that I could lose my scholarship. And I didn’t know what to think about Kim’s call.
I was a mixed bag of emotions with no clear path to relief.
“Comfort food,” I muttered as I made my way to the kitchen.
I wanted to make macaroni and cheese and fried chicken, but the only thing we had all the ingredients for was spaghetti. After cooking, I did a yoga workout, took a long, hot shower, and resisted the urge to masturbate my stress away. I was sitting on the couch fully dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a tank top by the time Jay came home.
“Brooklyn,” Jay yelled as he entered the apartment. Dropping his duffle bag beside the door, he kept his joke going even though he saw me immediately. “I’m home and coming inside the house.”
“Shut up,” I complained, rolling my eyes. “What’s on your shirt?”
“Lab experiment gone wrong.” Barely looking at me, he headed to the kitchen. “It smells good in here. Did you eat already?”
“No, I was waiting for you. I was thinking another dinner and a movie.”
“Okay, cool. I’m going to shower and change.”
Thirty minutes later, we were sitting side by side with spaghetti and garlic bread.
“Thanks for dinner,” he said again as he stared at the meal.
“Thanks for…everything,” I returned.
For the first time all day, he looked at me, holding eye contact for a second before speaking. “I got you. You know that.”
Neither of us had seen the horror movie I selected before, so we didn’t have much of an opportunity to talk. We finished eating as we watched the events play out on screen. With full bellies and a few scares, we started loosening up a bit.
I yelped as the music changed abruptly, startling me. “Is this movie not scary to you?”
“You’re not even jumping at the parts that are supposed to be scary,” he laughed.
“Can we cuddle?” I asked.
Still staring at the TV, he lifted his arm for me to snuggle up next to him. “Since when do you ask?”
“Since…” I got into position and immediately felt warm.
I didn’t finish the sentence and he didn’t ask me to. We both knew why.
Everything was back to normal. The movie was almost over, and his arm had been around me for most of it. My head was resting on his chest, and I didn’t feel anything abnormal. I noticed how good he smelled, but he always did. I noticed how good he looked, but he always did. But there was nothing sexual about our interaction or how he was making me feel.
It was a false alarm. Between the masturbating, the talk last night, and the morning wood, I was just in a sexual mood. It passed. I’m fine. We’re fine. Friends forev—whoa.
Jay’s fingers gently skated down the side of my arm and I felt a jolt. It had a ripple effect, causing my entire body to take notice. I shivered as his hand settled on my bare skin.
“Are you cold?” he wondered softly.
“No.” My body was on fire. But I couldn’t tell him that.
He was quiet for a long time. But as soon as the credits started to roll, he cleared his throat. “I’ll clean up since you cooked.”
He rose to his feet, grabbed our empty glasses, and made a beeline to the kitchen.
It was clear we needed to talk, but I wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it. My eyes started to water so I quietly got up and prepared for bed.
Fifteen minutes later, we were both in bed—him on his side and me on mine. I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling.
“Jay,” I started as soon as he turned out the light. “I need to ask you something.”
“Okay.”
My heart thudded. It would’ve made it awkward if I didn’t look at him, so I turned my head and eyed his dimly lit profile.
“Are we okay?”
He turned his head to look at me. “Of course we’re okay.”
My stomach was in knots. “There’s a lot of change going on right now and I can’t handle something happening to our relationship, on top of everything else. You’re my best friend, Jay.”
“What’s going on?”
“Do things seem…?” I hesitated and then swallowed my fear. “We’ve never been uncomfortable around each other. Ever. But now… do things seem different?”
He took a deep breath before he turned onto his side so that his whole body was facing me. “Yes.”
As hard as it was, I knew we had to be completely honest with one another. I knew I had
