“Hey to you,” Alex greeted from behind Erik’s desk. “Long time, no see. How was your vacation?”
“Good.” And just like that, I blushed and smiled. “Great, actually.”
When I found the courage to peek up from under my lashes across the room, Alex had both eyebrows pushed high over wide eyes.
“What?” I asked, all innocence.
She blinked unimpressed.
“Come on. I brought Erik lunch, but he’s not here to eat it, and I have a feeling fries are going to be needed for this conversation.”
She grabbed the bag and gestured for me to follow her to the seating area. “It was just a trip,” I said, laughing awkwardly. I didn’t know why I continued pretending when we both knew I’d spill eventually.
“Where did you go? You look tan.”
“We went to Asheville and the Caribbean.”
“The mountains and the ocean. Not bad.” She nodded and shoved a handful of fries in her mouth. She considered me as she chewed. “Now, did you start having feelings for him before the trip or during?”
I choked on my drink, unprepared for her directness. I thought we had more time of innocence and beating around the bush. “What?”
“I mean, you’ve always stared at him with googley eyes, but who wouldn’t. He’s hot. But now, just mentioning your trip, I thought you’d melt into a puddle right before my eyes, and I didn’t even mention him yet.”
“Maybe I just enjoyed my trip that much.”
“The mountains and ocean aren’t that great. Unless there is a sexy man with you. Tell me,” she started, one brow cocked high. “Did you continue your lessons while you were there?”
Not even bothering to look away, I took a huge bite of my burger, buying time.
“So, you did,” she assumed correctly.
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It obviously does.”
“It doesn’t to him.”
Alex’s deviousness softened to concern, and she turned serious. “Are you sure?”
Flashes of Daniel above me, watching me so closely as he moved inside me. The way he held my hand like I was his haven when he fell apart in my arms. The way we made love anywhere and everywhere we could on our trip. The way he always made sure I knew I was safe. The way he kissed me and made me forget this wasn’t anything but a way to get me comfortable with touch.
Sometime over the trip, the lines blurred. I just didn’t know if they only blurred for me, or maybe they had for him too.
“We said no relationships.”
“Things change. Do you feel like they’ve changed?”
“For me, they have. But I can’t tell if it’s just for me. Maybe I’m imagining the way he looks at me because I want it to be more.”
“I understand. But maybe you’re not imagining it.” We both stopped to take a bite, thinking over the possibility. “What happened on the trip? What happened that made you realize it was more?”
Biting my cheek, I considered not telling her, pretending nothing happened, but why bother. I needed to tell someone. “We slept together.”
Her eyes grew comically wide before her jaw dropped and stretched into a smile. “Noice.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my god. Stop.”
“Tell me about it? Good? Big? Long? Hooked to the left? Maybe right?”
“Stop.” I laughed harder, my hands covering my face.
“Oh, come on. I’ll tell you about Erik.”
“Ew. No. Please, don’t. I’ll tell you what you want to know, just please, not that.” She smiled victoriously and gestured for me to spill the beans. “It was great. More than great. It was perfect.”
“Was it like fucking? Or did it feel like more?”
I thought back to the moments he never looked away, moving slow and hard. Then I thought back to the moments he nipped at my breasts and held my hips in a bruising grip, and he lost control. “Yes.”
“Damn,” she breathed. “Both? That’s the best.”
I took the last bite of my burger to avoid saying anything else.
“Have you thought about telling him how you feel?”
“God, no. I just realized it myself. I need to make sure it’s not some rash feeling based on him being the first guy I slept with.”
“If it makes you feel better, he seems different with you. I don’t know him very well, but the way he looks at you reminds me of the way Erik looks at me.”
“Ugh.” I dropped my head to my hands. “What would you do?”
“Well, with all of my knowledge from my one relationship ever…”
“I know. It’s like the blind leading the blind here.”
“We could always ask Carina,” she suggested.
“I already know what she would say.”
“Go for it,” we both said together.
Once we stopped laughing, Alex sobered. “I don’t know, Hanna. Maybe just let it ride and see where it goes. The bottom line is you have to consider each outcome. You could tell him, and he could feel the same. Or you could tell him and…”
“And he pulls way back, and I lose my friend.”
“Like I said, consider each option and find the best one. Sometimes the best one is the one that still hurts but maybe hurts the least. Sometimes, there’s no good answer.”
That’s what scared me the most. At the end of this, I’d end up just as damaged as when I started.
23
Daniel
I opened the door, and for a moment, froze just to take Hanna in. Somehow, even dressed down, she managed to steal my breath. Like she was in risqué lingerie, instead of jeans, a black tank, and an oversized cardigan.
“Hey,” she said, bringing me out of my stupor.
“Hey. You came.”
“Of course, I did,” she said, laughing, stepping past me into my apartment. “Besides, why wouldn’t I?”
I closed the door and led her to the kitchen, pondering how I wanted to answer her question. I could think of a million reasons that she should stay far away from me, but the one most prevalent was that she didn’t need me anymore.
“I figured we covered
