“You like her being a pain in the ass,” I reminded him as we headed toward the store.
“I just need to get this one lotion and then we can leave, alright?”
We stopped at the entrance of Bath and Body Works and stared at all the women mingling inside. I scratched at the back of my neck, not really sure where to go from here. Florrie wasn’t into all this shit, so I was really of no help in there.
Craig cleared his throat and took a step forward. A woman with a bright smile and a bubbly personality walked up to us and sprayed us with some shit that left a foul taste in my mouth.
“Perfect Peony?” she asked.
“What?” Craig asked.
“It’s our new fragrance. Are you shopping for a girlfriend or each other?”
“Wife,” I stated, sliding a good two feet to my right.
“Perfect. Do you have something in mind or do you need some help finding something?”
“Uh…” Craig cleared his throat again. “She told me what to get. Something…something with flowers.”
“Oh, well…” Her grin was still plastered on her face, but I could tell she was thinking Craig was a fucking idiot. “We have lots of floral selections. As I said, we have Perfect Peony, Cactus Blossom, Cucumber Lily, Lavender Mint-”
“How about we just look around,” I suggested, cutting her off. I wasn’t interested in hearing about their whole fucking catalog.
Craig and I walked through the store, doing our best not to knock over any of the displays. The place was fucking cramped and all the bottles and shit were in the perfect position to get knock to the ground with my hulking frame.
“Goddamnit, can you just grab something and we’ll get out of here?”
“What if I get the wrong thing? Then she’s going to send me back in here for more. I didn’t realize this place would be so…fruity.”
I glanced around and realized he was right. There were apples and peaches all over the fucking place. What the hell?
“Fuck it. I’ll just take some of everything.”
“Are you crazy? Do you really want to spend that much money on this shit?”
“No, Alec. That’s the last thing that I want to do, but let me tell you this, if I have to come back here and buy more of this shit because I didn’t get what she wanted, I’m bringing you back here with me, and I’m having all the ladies give you orders for what they want.”
“You’re right,” I nodded. “Let’s just grab one of everything.”
Twenty minutes later, we had successfully grabbed one of every lotion in the store and were cringing at the number on the register. The price of this shit was astronomical, but like he said, it was worth it if we never had to come back again. We walked out of the store and headed straight for the exits, but some douchebag in a fanny pack blocked our path.
“Would you mind giving me just five minutes to tell you a little about our man pack?”
“No,” I said, glaring at the man and shoving past him.
“Sir, really,” he said, jumping in front of me. “I think you’re missing out on a great opportunity here. The man pack is the most convenient pack you will ever need. The utility of it alone is what drives most men to pick up one for themselves.”
“You actually have men buying these?” I asked.
He grinned, pride filling his face. “Absolutely. Men love it because there really is no bag that a man can carry around and keep his dignity. I mean, logically, women have rights to carrying around a bag, but men need it way more than any woman. I mean, condoms, keys, wallet, sunglasses…”
I gave him a hard stare, crossing my arms over my chest. “I carry my keys in my pocket.”
“And then you get that nice metal dig into your nuts with your keys, am I right?”
“He’s not wrong,” Craig said, leaning over slightly.
“Right?” the guy said excitedly. “This product solves all your problems, and I can tell that you’re just the guys to use a product like this! Wait right there,” he said, rushing back to his stand.
“Let’s get out of here,” I mumbled, shoving my shoulder into his.
We turned to go, but the guy rushed back in front of us. “Wait, don’t go yet! Just try one on. I swear to God, it’ll change your life.”
“I’m not trying that on.”
I glared at Craig, but he just shrugged. “What’s the harm? One minute and then we can leave.”
I rolled my eyes, irritated as hell that we were stuck in this mall with a guy that wanted us to wear a fanny pack. He quickly pulled one out of the packaging and handed it over to Craig.
“See, we designed this with a more militaristic feel to it. See all the pockets we added in? It’s meant to feel like cargo pants. You’re in the military, right?”
“Ex-military,” I grunted.
“This pack can hold up to three magazines in the main compartment, and watch how easy it is to pull them out.” He demonstrated with tools that were similar in size. “Now, tell me that’s not convenient when you’re out on a job,” he grinned.
I was ready to leave, but Craig actually seemed interested. “That is pretty cool.”
“Yeah, it’s fucking fantastic. Now, can we go?”
“Hold on,” Craig shot back. “How do you wear this?”
“Well, obviously, no man wants to wear anything that straps around his waist. It’s just not manly.”
“Neither is this,” I pointed out.
“But this one actually attaches to your belt. You just slide your belt right through the loops on the back and then finish fastening your belt. And the material is so thick and tough that you don’t have to worry about the loops tearing.”
“How much is it?” Craig asked.
“You can’t be serious,” I said in shock.
“Well, I could really go for not getting my nuts stabbed anymore. And I get tired of feeling like my wallet is going to slip out of my pocket. And how cool would
