“Not at all cool. Craig,” I said, trying to talk some sense into him. “No matter how this guy dresses this up, he’s selling you a fucking fanny pack.”
“Yeah, I get that’s how you see it, but this is really awesome. I think these would be really useful on the job.”
“That’s why we have tactical gear,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, yeah, I totally hear you, but this is next gen stuff.”
“That’s exactly my point. This isn’t next gen. This is a throwback to the fucking eighties. Why can’t you see that?”
“Do they come in only black or do you have other colors?”
“I’m glad you asked,” the man grinned. “They happen to come in a range of colors. Everything from basic, manly colors to your bright, more vibrant colors like neon green.”
“Who the fuck would want neon green?” I almost shouted.
“That’s so wicked,” Craig grinned. “Do you have pink? My Reese’s Pieces would just go apeshit over this.”
“You can’t be fucking serious,” I repeated for what felt like the tenth time. “We are not getting these.”
“I’ll take ten,” Craig smiled, pulling out his wallet.
“No. As your team leader and your friend, there’s no fucking way I’m letting you buy this shit.”
“You’re not my team leader anymore,” he reminded me. “And how good of a friend can you be if you didn’t tell me you were fucking Florrie for three years?”
“Are we back to that? Fine, you know what, I’ll admit that I was wrong if you’ll agree to not buy these fucking things.”
“That’ll be two hundred and fifty dollars,” the man said.
Craig pulled out his card and I grabbed it quickly so the man couldn’t take it. “I’m not letting you do this.”
“I’ll tell you what, if you purchase twenty of them, I’ll give them to you for five hundred dollars and I’ll throw in another one for free.”
“That’s the same fucking price,” I snapped at the man.
“I know, but you’re getting one for free.”
“That’s an awesome deal.”
“No, it’s not,” I snapped at Craig. What the fuck was the world coming to?
“How about this? I’ll purchase twenty-five of them, but I want five for free,” Craig negotiated.
“You have a deal.”
Craig snatched the card out of my hands and handed it over to the salesman. He was ringing up the purchase before I could say anything else.
“Craig, be logical, man. We can’t wear that out on a job.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s fucking ugly and you’ll look like a woman.”
“Okay, say that I buy into that, it’s handy, right? I mean, think of all the things this could be used for.”
“Yeah, just like I could use my boot to kick your ass if you go through with this.”
“Here,” he said, handing me the bags from Bath and Body Works. “Hold these for me so I can pick out the colors I want.”
“I’m not holding those,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and refusing to take them.
He shook his head and set them down on the ground by the kiosk. “Fine, be a pussy.” He started checking out the colors and then glanced back at me. “Hey, what color do you want?”
“I don’t want a fucking color,” I growled.
“Fine, but then you’ll get whatever I choose. I think purple is really your color.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Black, just get me black.”
Fuck, it wasn’t like I was actually going to use it, but if he even brought it near me, it wouldn’t be a neon color. He finished paying and it took us three trips to get all the shit out to the truck. I slammed the door and glared at the so-called man in the driver’s seat.
“I really fucking hate you right now.”
“I know, but you’re not thinking about Florrie anymore, are you?”
“Fucking hell,” I muttered as we pulled away.
“We forgot to get Great Steak and Potato. Do you want to go back?”
I slowly turned and glared at him. My nostrils flared in anger, but he just shrugged it off. “Just thought I’d ask.”
We pulled into the Reed Security parking garage and Craig honked when he saw Cazzo’s team unloading into the storage area.
“Hey! You’ve gotta see what I’ve got for us!”
“Believe me,” I said to them, “you don’t want to see.”
“I want to see,” Sinner grinned. “Whatcha got for us?”
“It’s killer. You’re gonna flip when you see this shit.”
Craig walked around to the back of the truck and pulled out one of the packages. “Sick, am I right?” he asked Cazzo.
Cazzo pulled it out of his grasp and looked it over. “You’re right, it’s sick. I might actually throw up from looking at this. Why the fuck would you get us a fanny pack?”
“No, this is a man pack,” he said, pointing to the loops on the back. “You know, so your keys don’t dig into your nuts.”
“I’ll gladly let them dig into my nuts if it means that I never have a fucking fanny pack around my waist,” Burg muttered.
“I don’t know. I think this is pretty cool,” Sinner said, snatching it out of Cazzo’s hand. “I mean, think of how useful this would be.”
“Right?” Craig grinned.
“This has to hold, what? At least two magazines.”
“Three,” Craig corrected. “Here, try it on.”
Sinner undid his belt and pulled on the fanny pack. When he was all done, he started loading shit into the pack, making it sag just like a fucking fanny pack from the weight of what he was adding.
“This is so fucking awesome,” Sinner grinned. “Seriously, I love this thing.”
“See? I told you!” Craig turned to me. “I told you they would love this.”
“I don’t,” Cazzo muttered. “And if you wear that out on a job, I will find a way to make sure that you are on the receiving end of a bullet.”
“I’m so psyched about this,” Sinner grinned. “It’s probably the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Designed for men to be worn by men.”
“You should totally go do an advertisement for them,” Craig laughed. “You could be their spokesperson.”
“And
