Eventually, I’ll have to stop this. I can’t keep seeing her alone. I’m inching closer and closer to the line I can’t come back from.
I slept with her when she wasn’t a student. If anybody were to find out, at least I’d have that defense. If I do it now, I have nothing. She’s in my class, so I can’t play dumb and pretend I didn’t know.
A million other thoughts bounce around in my head, along with excuses, loopholes, justification. I try to convince myself it’s not the worst idea. And it’s only when I’m about to drift off to sleep that I think about why I’m so obsessed with finding a way around the rules.
She was a one-night stand. I’ve had those before. I have a handful of women I could call up right now and be with if I wanted. Why do I want her so bad? Is it because it’s wrong? Or is it because I like her?
* * *
Saturday morning, as I drink my coffee, eat breakfast, watch sports clips from last night, and read some of the paper, I keep thinking about Nova. Flashbacks of last night keep hitting me over and over. I daydream about all the things I want to happen. I can’t shake her and it’s a little worrying.
Eventually, it’s time for me to meet up with Barbara, and I’m desperate for the distraction, so I get to the park a little early and find a park bench to wait on.
A few minutes later, Barbara comes speed walking up the concrete path.
“Got here a little early and did a lap already,” she says. “Gonna sit next to you and catch my breath a bit.”
I chuckle. “Sounds good.”
She exhales. “Okay, let’s talk.”
“You don’t waste any time, do you?” I say with a grin.
“You can’t waste time in life. It’s too short.”
She’s right about that. “Not really sure where to start.”
“Well, the last time we talked, you mentioned not thinking you were meant to have a woman in your life. Why is that?”
I let out a breath before I start talking. “Do you remember Jenn Pascal? I was with her for a few years.” Barbara nods. “She and I met in college, talked about getting married, though I never actually proposed. Anyway, I thought that was my forever. She knew me and my life story. She knew what happened to my parents and how I was left to take care of my brothers. Fast forward a little bit and she started having issues with the fact that my brothers came first. Merrick was still young, and I needed to be here with him. She wanted to take day trips and plan vacations and even talked about moving away from Gaspar after we were done with school. It caused tension between us, but I thought she understood my responsibility.
“After a couple years, she basically lived with me. She wanted to move things forward in our relationship, but hated that I came with three others. I think staying in my house with all of us made her realize she couldn’t do it. I understand that it’s hard for someone to take that on. We were both in our twenties and I had three boys I needed to finish raising, and she wasn’t trying to be a stepmom figure.”
I stop for a little while, because I’ve never gone over this with anybody before, and it’s bringing back all these feelings that I had buried several years back. I never wanted my brothers to know the reason she left. I didn’t want them to feel at fault or guilty in any way, because that was on her. Not them.
“When she left, she didn’t say a word. I came home, and her dog, Sugarfoot, ran up to me. I thought she was upstairs, but after searching the house, I came to realize she had left. I found a letter on the kitchen counter.”
“What did it say?”
“She told me she had loved me, but she also said that I’d never be able to find someone to stick around if I wasn’t prepared to put more effort into the relationship. She wanted me to put her first. She wanted the freedom I couldn’t provide. She just wanted more than I could offer at that time. Taking care of my brothers was my life. I busted my ass for them. I was going to school, I was working, I was cooking and cleaning, doing homework, disciplining, teaching them to drive, cook, wash clothes, and how to be good men. Even after Cillian and Royce moved out, I had my hands full with Merrick. I was busy. I don’t blame her for leaving.
“So, I guess I just figured I’d always be busy. Family would always come first, and I’d never be able to put in the effort a woman deserved. So, I stopped trying. I had casual hookups, short-term situations that women were always aware of ahead of time. I didn’t lead anyone on. I thought I was doing everybody a favor.”
Barbara’s silent for a few seconds, taking it all in, then she says, “You grew up fast. You had to. I get that you were an adult already, but a young one, and yet you were immediately thrust into a parent role. No warning, no help. Sometimes that can create a hero complex. You have to be able to solve everything and come up with solutions to any and every problem. You thrive on being in control. Sometimes people like that struggle with trusting others, and they’re very self-reliant.”
I stare off, listening to her descriptions and realizing she’s pretty spot on.
“What you did for your brothers is award worthy. You were a better parent to them than a lot of other kids have. Look at them, Elijah. Royce owns his own bar. He’s happy and successful. Cillian is a
