“You were always such a passionate fellow, Ben, so full of love”, Euan said the word love as if it left a bad taste in his mouth. “But no matter how I adored the passion, your desire to be mine alone restricted me at a time in my life when I did not want to be restricted. Do you understand? I needed to see the world, taste the exotic flavors and to find which suited me best.”
“I didn’t suit you?”
“No, you did… you do…” Euan sounded pained.
“But you married?”
“Yes, I did.” Euan paused for a moment of thought, as if he were weighing out how to proceed. “As you know, our…predilection is one that could see us jailed. Therefore, I trust that you will not repeat a word of what I tell you.”
I nodded gravely.
“Lady Eliza, my wife is… like me,”
“What do you mean?” This was a most unexpected turn of events.
“She believes love comes in many forms and can be had with both men and women.”
I could not believe what I was hearing.
“We made an arrangement that suits us. She is a good friend and a wonderful mother to our sons. But we live separate lives unless we are attending a public occasion. She takes male and female lovers, as she pleases, as do I. It is a good marriage and works very well.”
I was appalled by what I’d just heard.
“Inconceivable. That kind of arrangement goes against the teachings of the Church. It breaks sacred wedding vows and, I hasten to add, the laws of the land.” I blustered self-righteously.
“Would you rather we lived pious lives without pleasure…without love because a politician—who is probably buggering his valet—says it is wrong? Or a withered old man in Rome who never tugged his prick has decided what I can and cannot do with my own body?”
This was outrageous, blasphemous talk. I was staring at Euan with incredulity, lost for words. Had the death of his father driven him mad? My whole body was aflame with anger, and confusion. How could this be so? I had no idea such understandings could be reached between a man and a woman where both parties could remain in the marriage while seeking pleasure elsewhere.
Euan sat back in his chair and sipped from his teacup. I also sat back and gripped the arms of my chair while the import of what he’d said hit home. I considered what it would be like to have a companion at home, to have a woman as a friend to share my life and yet not be my bed partner. The thought of it flawed me. If I’d known such an arrangement was possible my life might not have been so lonesome and solitary. But no. This went against everything I believed in. I had made my decision to become emotionally frigid and try to deny my shameful sexual needs. The only reason I was at Dunecht Hall was to make my purchase, not rake over the bones of my failings as a man, and my reckless past relationship.
“You are forgiven,” I said. “We were both young and foolish. I am glad you have a companion and a family. I am happy for you.” I conceded, although my throat felt like closing with each word.
“Have you no companion of your own?” Euan ventured.
“The Good Lord is my companion,” I said automatically reaching to lay my hand upon the silver cross that sat warmly against my chest.
“Of course, of course”, Euan replied but he looked a little sad at hearing my answer.
“Did I do this to you?” He asked softly.
“I don’t know what you mean?”
“Make you so buttoned-up and pious?”
“Don’t flatter yourself. You didn’t make me anything! You made your choices, and I made mine!” I justified, my temper rising.
“Your preference doesn’t sound like much… fun, Benedict!”
I was outraged. How dare he! How dare Euan judge me and my choices? This conversation was over. I stood abruptly.
“What we did was illegal and shameful. Have we not both seen better men punished for sharing such affections?” I said coldly, shutting down the improper talk.
“Now, could you ask your man to show me to my room please, I am quite exhausted from my journey.” The easy friendliness was now gone from my voice. My heart thundered in my chest and if the weather and my creaking body would have allowed it I would have run from the hall like the devil was at my back.
“Oh, of course. Forgive me.” Euan said his voice unable to hide his disappointment that I was ending this conversation. He stood and strode to the fireplace and then tugged on a bell pull. Within moments the butler, Mr. Rennie, entered the hall.
“Please show Mr. Hannan to his room,”
The Viewing
Dinner was a formal affair. The gong sounded at six p.m. calling all to the dining room. I dressed in a long black frock coat, matched with a splendid green silk waistcoat; kerchief and bow tie. I made my way down the wide mahogany staircase, overlooked by exquisite Italian Renaissance paintings, and a ghastly array of mounted animal heads.
Although all cities and towns in England now availed of gas lighting, the pipes had not yet been installed here in the wilds of Scotland and so the house was still lit with candles and oil lanterns as it had been when I last visited. I paused before I entered the dining room. The earlier meeting with Euan had tied my stomach in knots. I’d expected, as gentlemen of standing in our later years, we would be formal and stiff with one another, but Euan reached out and touched me without thought, as if it was
