“It was”,
An awkward silence fell once more and I became distinctly uncomfortable sitting in my study with this man, a man whose tenderness had shaken my very foundations. He remained a criminal–at-large on the run from the police. I realized then that it had not even crossed my mind to tell Scotland Yard of his disguises. I concluded it was very much in my best interest to keep this man on my side and out of jail. I sipped my scalding tea and then taking on a businesslike tone I said,
“What can I do for you Mr. Cavell, that is, apart from allowing you to make use of my facilities and my garments again?”
“It’s becoming quite the habit, isn’t it?” Sebastian chuckled, and the sound of his light laughter infected me, making my stern countenance soften. “I require some assistance and you are most knowledgeable, so I thought I would call in on a friend.” He explained, his eyes sparkling.
“I did not realize we were friends”, I returned roughly and then heard how mean-spirited that sounded. Damn it. I must do better.
“I would… like us to be friends, Benedict.” Cavell replied, a little wounded. I did not have many people in my life I could appropriate that label to. With my habits and peculiarities, I kept most people at arm’s length. I never offered my hand to be shaken as was expected of a man of good breeding. And so a reputation for being prickly and ill-mannered preceded me.
“What exactly would that entail?” I asked as if we were conducting a business transaction.
“What does friendship usually entail?” Sebastian sounded bemused. “Conversation, walks, dining, sharing common interests—“
Oh, I could well imagine what those common interests were!
“Would you be agreeable to beginning… a friendship?” Cavell quizzed tentatively.
I considered the offer for the length of a breath. Friendship had given me nothing but heartache in the past and so I did not particularly feel as if I knew how to be a good friend, but I was lonely and knew his friendship might just lift my spirits. I recalled the moment I saw Sebastian at my door. I was glad to see him. I had thought of little but him since our liaison. Maybe my friendship could lead him onto a more honest life path.
“Very well,” I conceded.
“And over time maybe it could be something more?” Cavell added, his eyes beseeching. I was taken aback. This was most unusual. The man was galloping ahead of himself.
“P…possibly,” I stuttered. No man had shown this type of intense interest in me since Euan. I was flattered. Silence fell; Cavell bit his lip and awkwardly looked up at the ceiling as if searching for cobwebs. Maybe he had said too much or not enough? Whatever he was thinking to say appeared to make him distinctly twitchy in his seat. Cavell righted himself in his chair and then said,
“Look. Can I be frank?” I gestured for him to continue, unsure if I wanted to hear what he had to say.
“I explained my profession to you. I work in disguise.” I nodded.
“It is hard to be…myself and to meet people…men I can be myself with.” He paused as if trying to measure his words before saying them.
“I discovered that I can be myself… with you. I would like you to be my friend, Benedict. Do you understand?”
The discussion of feelings was always excruciating and embarrassing. I avoided such talk as much as I could. However, our gazes met, the spark became a flame—and I could not look away. Reading between the lines, what he was asking was wondrous, and yet, because of who this man was—what I believed he asked of me was recklessly dangerous for both of us—not to mention, illegal.
“There comes a time where even the flightiest of birds needs to stop and find a perch. I’m tired, Benedict. I’m tired of superficial acquaintances. I’m sure you can imagine—”
“I think I can”, I admitted, holding on to my hot teacup to anchor me. I recalled that Sebastian had once told me of how he engineered a back alley upright with Euan Ardmillan to get the measure of the man! I understood that his dishonest life did not offer Cavell the true friendship he desired.
“I would like to earn your trust, and if you decide you cannot offer me something more I will concede and be happy to call you my trusted friend,” Cavell said and then he took a nervous sip of tea.
I knew exactly what more meant. Sebastian’s eye contact was true, and the earnestness in his voice made a lump form at my sternum. I watched him with a mixture of affection and alarm, for even though I had seen him full of confidence and patter before, this time he was nervous and talk of feelings appeared agonizing—as if he feared my rejection. Not even Euan had spoken so earnestly to me and I found I was touched by Sebastian’s regard. The silence that fell between us took on a frigid, fragile quality as if one wrong word would shatter something new and beautiful.
“I….I am humbled by your kind words.” I stuttered. “But… I am not a young man Sebastian and I need you to know I will not enter into this…friendship blindly. I appear to enjoy your company, but the truth is that you are at an advantage.” Sebastian looked up at me, perplexed.
“You have watched me and become familiar with my habits over many months in your disguises as Josiah and John Edwards. However, I met you a mere eight days ago.”
“Gods, is that all? It feels like I’ve known you forever!” Sebastian admitted rubbing his hand across his mouth. His pupils flared, sending a dart of attraction my way. He
