After showing my uninvited guests to the door I heard a board creak on the landing. I looked up to see Euan standing at the top of the stairs in my paisley pyjamas. His face appeared ashen and his eyes, bloodshot. I knew then that he had been eavesdropping at the study door and heard everything.
“You are welcome to stay for another night or so to make plans.” I invited. Euan nodded and then scurried back to his bedroom.
Paramour
I awoke to see the outline of a man sitting in my hearth chair, the dancing flames of the low fire not quite reaching to shed light on his features. My immediate emotion was a flash of rage. I wanted to roar at Euan and tell him to get the hell out of my room. He was not and never would be welcome in my bed again. However, the figure spoke and in that moment my heart burst with relief and joy.
“Sorry to make such a dramatic entrance, old boy!” Sebastian Cavell said in a low, intimate voice. “You looked so peaceful in sleep and I couldn’t bear to wake you.”
“How did you get in?” I said in a sleep-roughened whisper.
“You forget dear heart; I am an adept second-storey man!”
Gods, that affectionate name made my blood sing. There was so much I wanted to say and yet, now Cavell had returned I was mute. We sat in my dark, silent bedroom both staring at shadows. I had not seen my companion in three days and in those three days my thoughts manifested in a cycle of longing, anger, and self-pity. I’d missed him, more than I care to admit. I moved to put my bedside lamp on, but Cavell gave a sharp order of “Don’t!” Confused, I turned back to face his shadow.
“I need to say some things, but I cannot have you see me when I say them.” He warned.
Oh, this was it. Cavell was ending our affair and I would be cursed to live the remainder of my sorry life without fellow feeling. I supposed I could set my adoration at the feet of the Lord once more and find my pious path. I sat up straighter waiting for the body blow. I would take this on the chin like a man, and I would not give Sebastian the satisfaction of seeing how the thought of being without him crushed my soul like a bug in the dust. The silence was visceral as if I could reach out and cut my finger on the shards of fractured space between us.
“Seeing you with him in the carriage, seeing him…touch you…I felt like I’d been run through with a sword.” Sebastian revealed in a far-away voice.
“I meant to save you from the cabal, but I could not save you from yourself, could I, Benedict?”
I was stunned by Cavell’s first shot.
“I don’t understand why, after everything Euan had done, after he’d thrown you over, and manipulated your affections, your first impulse was to reach for him, and rescue him from the smoke.” This was not what I’d expected to hear and Cavell’s wounded insinuations completely knocked the stuffing from me.
“Then it came to me, you did it because that is the type of man you are. You are a magnet for lost sheep. You are so kind-hearted and generous that you would help a one-legged vagrant who begged for coppers outside your place of business—just as you would help a mendacious, self-consumed philanderer like Euan Ardmillan.”
I could not believe that Sebastian would think that Euan had a chance with me—that I would even consider reigniting our relationship.
“I guess it was all my own fault.” He said in a maudlin tone, “I was so dazzled by you and let my guard down. I should have kept tabs on his whereabouts. I should have realized that Euan would never be fool enough to let you go so easily again.” My heart was in my throat.
“I know that jealousy is not an attractive trait in a fellow, but I must admit when I saw that scene—Euan naked and on his knees surrounded by aroused men… and you, my dearest Benedict—I became murderously jealous of Euan and his power over you. I wished—I wish you could feel as deeply for me.” Sebastian said sorrowfully. “But I understand now that will never be the case.”
No! This barrage had to stop.
“I hope that you will at least keep my secrets, even though it is clear you do not want my heart.”
Hearing the pain in Sebastian’s voice elicited such a maelstrom of feeling that I could sit in silence no longer. I tossed the covers back and leaped from my bed, fury, and passion entwined. I stalked across the bedroom to stand in front of Sebastian. There would be no more of this talk of my supposed affection for Euan Ardmillan. Sebastian needed to know exactly what he meant to me and I would make damn sure he understood.
I dropped to my knees between his splayed thighs. I looked up and I could see him clearly as the firelight caressed his face. My God! I was dizzied by the beauty of the man.
“Enough of this self-piteous nonsense!” I said as I grabbed hold of his hands. “You’ve got this all muddled in your head.” I raged,
“It would have been so much easier if you hadn’t stormed off after rescuing me. I would have explained that the only feelings I have left for Euan Ardmillan are distrust, disappointment, and pity. It may interest you to learn that I was not indulging in congress with Euan, or anyone else. Euan betrayed the cabal and they were torturing him.”
“Oh,” Cavell
