“We’ll do a really good job,” Katie told me. “We can have it at Davis’ house, I mean, my house with Davis. We live together, but it still feels a little strange to me,” she explained.
“Come on, Camdyn!” Lindy said, smiling and nodding. “Let us do this.”
I looked back and forth between them. “One of you is about to pop out a baby, and neither of you even know me, except from when I acted like an idiot over dinner,” I said slowly. “Why would you want to have a shower for me?”
“First, because it would be fun. And also, I feel a little like I have something to prove,” Katie told me. “The last baby shower I hosted ended in a brawl. Like, a physical fight between Woodsmen cheerleaders. We almost had to call the cops,” she expanded. “I’m hoping for redemption on my second one.”
“My sister-in-law threw mine instead of Katie,” Lindy put in. “I didn’t want any bloodshed while I was opening gifts.”
Katie shot her a withering look. “We’re trying to convince Camdyn, remember? There won’t be any brawls, no bloodshed at all!” she assured me. “We want to do this because you need one, and despite the, um, misunderstandings at that dinner, we both liked you.”
I thought of César’s family, how interested his mom and grandma had been in going to a shower for me. “I don’t know,” I hedged, not wanting to turn them down flat when they were being so nice. “I don’t think it’s necessary.”
“Do you have all the baby crap already?” Lindy asked.
“There’s a big pile growing in one of the guest bedrooms,” I said. “César has been buying a ton of gear like carriers, car seats…”
“But what about the fun stuff? The little clothes and stuffed animals? All the books?” Lindy asked. “That’s what a shower is for. That, and also so everyone gets to say how beautiful you look, and how wonderful you’ll be as a mother, the bull you really need to hear right now.”
I swallowed. “The thing is, I still haven’t told anyone. I’ve been wearing giant clothes and keeping my mouth shut.” I looked down at my billowing shirt, borrowed from César’s closet. I could have been wearing a yurt.
Lindy followed my eyes. “You know what else I was thinking for you? Maternity clothes! You should come by my house and take the stuff I’ve grown out of. I bet we were close to the same size, before this.” She pointed to her stomach. If it had been a small planet under her shirt before, it was fully Jupiter-sized now. “You’re ten inches taller or whatever, but you’re really slim. You’re going to carry so much better than I am.”
“But back to the baby shower,” Katie directed us. “I want to know why haven’t you told people yet.”
“I told César’s family,” I defended myself. “Or, well, he told his family,” I modified. “I told you guys.” No, also wrong. “Ok, yeah, I started crying and Lindy guessed.” I sighed. “No, I haven’t told anyone.”
“But they’ll know soon enough, won’t they? Why haven’t you announced it yet?” Katie persisted.
This woman was a dog on a bone. Where to start? “At first, telling people would have made it real, and I was so afraid for this to be real. I was trying to pretend a lot that it wasn’t, or it was just so far away that I didn’t need to think about it yet.” I could tell by their faces that this line of thinking underwhelmed both of them. “I know that it wasn’t a very mature reaction. I’m aware.”
“That was at first. What about now? Are you still afraid?” Lindy asked.
“Yes, of everything. People will ask me questions and be excited, and I’m going to fall to pieces, or freak, like I did with César’s family.”
Both women looked at me so sympathetically that I reached for another napkin.
“What exactly are you afraid of?” Lindy asked. “Maybe it would help you to talk about it. Like, are you scared of losing control of your body?” she suggested. “The physical pain of labor and delivery? The fact that you don’t have any family to help and support you? Not being in a stable relationship with the baby’s father? Your life changing in ways that you could never expect and aren’t sure you want?”
Holy shit. “Yes, all of the above!” I yelped. “Jesus and Mary, can you stop?”
“Ok, listen.” She shifted around and grabbed my hand. “I’m going to tell you what my mom told me, because I was shocked when I found out about my pregnancy, too, and really, really scared. Yes, things will change. Your life, your body, everything. Like, for example, my mom’s boobs went up from a B to a C and stayed there. But that was a welcome change! And if my ass stays bigger, I’ll be so glad!”
“I think what Lindy is trying to say is that yes, things will change, but everything does in life, and there will be wonderful differences that you don’t need to be afraid of,” Katie clarified. “Is that right?” she asked her friend, and Lindy nodded. “I know that I’ve had some hard things happen to me, and sometimes I thought I would never be ok,” she went on. “But all the hard things also led to some great stuff, stuff that I never could have expected. Things that wouldn’t have happened without the bad that came before.”
Easy for the not-pregnant woman at the table to say, because she didn’t have to squeeze Jupiter out of her pelvis. But yes, I got her point. “I see what you’re saying and you’re absolutely right.” It was like finding out that Warren Wilde was my father: awful.
