“Like, she had one guy who used to slap her. He did it in front of me, and I was so scared. He slapped me, too, when he got mad. I broke my wrist when I tried to stop a fight between her and another guy. She thought he was cheating and she jumped on him, totally of control and screaming. He threw her against the wall and then he pushed me down. That was pretty much an accident but she told me what to say on the way to the hospital so he wouldn’t get in trouble.” I paused. “I bet your dad never…”
“Never,” César said. “Never, and I never, ever would. Not to you or the baby. What did Warren Wilde do about this?”
“He knew about all of her different guys, but he didn’t know everything that went on. I didn’t tell because Soleil was my friend. I didn’t want her to get in trouble.” I thought. “Well, I told him one thing but it was when I was older, like fifteen, I think, and I was so mad about it that I couldn’t keep it in. One of her boyfriends came into the bathroom when I was in the shower. He was naked and jerking off and he tried to get in with me.”
“Fucking—”
“Yeah, totally,” I agreed. “Warren came over and threw him out of the house and yelled at Soleil for hours. He was furious. He would have gone apoplectic if he knew some of the other stuff.”
It was very quiet in the room. “What other stuff?” César asked.
“She had a few guys live with us who were pretty bad. They, you know, touched me and things.”
“Touched you…”
“You know what I mean,” I answered, because I wasn’t going to be able to say much more to him about that. “It’s ok, now. I had an appointment with a counselor and I’ll probably go back to see her again.” That brochure I had picked up at the Woodsmen exhibition game had spurred me to make a call to talk to someone.
“Cammie, honey.” I could feel César’s heart pound. “Your mom let men do that to you?”
“Soleil didn’t know. She was really trusting,” I tried to explain. “She always thought that her boyfriends were awesome but she always picked such losers. They did stuff like hide at our house so they wouldn’t get served papers to have to pay child support. One of them stole her car. Ellie keeps trying to convince me that Soleil was to blame in what happened with Warren, that she’s equally to blame for them having me and for not telling me the truth. Yesterday, she told me stuff that Warren had done when I was a kid to help me, like he gave Soleil all kinds of money for me that she gave away to men or spent on herself. I remember staying with them when Soleil was on vacation, but I guess she was actually in rehab. Ellie said Warren kept sending her, trying to clean her up.”
“That wasn’t enough.” César’s voice was low and hard, and his body was tense against mine. “Whatever he did wasn’t enough, if that was what was happening to you. He should have taken you away from her.”
“Everybody should have done a lot of things. And what if I’m like that? I never wanted to be a mom, just like Soleil. So what if I turn out like her?”
“You won’t.”
“I already am,” I insisted. “I run around dating but I won’t settle for anyone.”
“That’s not a crime. Lots of people do that. You heard from my family how I wasn’t a priest, either.”
“Yeah, but I’m doing it because…” I couldn’t put it into words, exactly. “I’m doing it because I’m like Soleil. And I used to think that was fine, and that was fun, but now I don’t know. I’m even pregnant by mistake, just like she was.”
“But I’m not Warren,” César said.
“Thank God,” I agreed, and I sighed. “Thank God I have you, César. This baby is the luckiest little girl in the world that you’re her dad.”
I thought that both of us were crying a little. I didn’t remember going upstairs, but I woke up in the morning in my bed, and it was time for my first day of work. He had already made breakfast.
∞
A few days later, Lyle held open the door to the stadium for me. “I’m glad to have you back here,” he told me. He had been insisting on walking me out to the car at the end of every day, because he said I had to be careful in my “condition.” I thought he just enjoyed chatting as much as I did, and the two of us yapped all the way to the parking lot.
“I’m glad to be here,” I told him, and it was true. The job was really fun so far—unpredictable and a little chaotic, but I was figuring out how to navigate my way. I realized how little work I’d done for the past few months at the winery when I compared it to how much I was doing now, and it actually embarrassed me. We were also busy at home, getting ready to move and making some decorating choices about the new house. I had been occupied enough to shake off some of my funk. It helped a lot that Lindy had given birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl, and every time I got down, I focused on that to remind myself that there were a lot of wonderful things in this world.
One of them was César, and I was heading over to the Woodsmen practice facility now to say hello. I liked to pretend that I needed to be there for my job, now that I had an official Woodsmen sticker on my car, but that was a lie. I just wanted to see him. I waved to the lady in the security
