I covered my face. “I’m sorry,” I said again. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t know how to react when you said it and I panicked. But I did care about you, Lincoln, I just didn’t show it right. I didn’t show it at all.”
He shook his head dismissively. “And now you’re having a baby. It’s kind of funny.”
“Why?” I asked defensively.
“You couldn’t even deal with getting your drunk friends out of the bathroom at my house at the end of the night, and now you’re going to be totally responsible for another human being.”
I took a breath so I didn’t snap back something nasty, because he was right. “I think I’ve changed. I hope I have, because yeah, I’m going to be responsible for her. I’m going to do the best I can.”
From the look on Lincoln’s face, he didn’t have very high hopes for my future efforts.
I breathed again. “Lincoln, I really hope you can see that I’m truly, genuinely sorry. I’ve had time to think about the way I acted toward you, and it was just inexcusable. You did nothing but treat me well and I treated you…”
“Like dog shit,” he finished. “Like something to wipe off your shoe.”
I nodded. Pretty much.
“I heard that the dad is a football player. I heard you screwed some Woodsmen guy and now you two aren’t even together,” he said carelessly, but his whole body was still tense.
“Uh, yeah.” That summed it up. “César Hidalgo.”
“Is he going to be involved in its life?” Lincoln pointed to my stomach. “Or are you going to have to chase him around for child support?”
“He’s going to be involved,” I said, feeling like I wanted to defend César but knowing that this wasn’t the time for it.
Lincoln nodded. “That’s good. Lucky for the baby.”
“I got very lucky,” I agreed, and Lincoln frowned.
“I’m seeing someone else,” he told me. “A really sweet, normal woman. I could picture us having a future together.”
“That’s great!” I said.
“Yeah, she’s great,” he agreed. “Considerate, loving. No drama, no emotional problems. She’s not fucked up at all.”
“Ok, I get it,” I said sharply. “I hurt you, now you want to hurt me back.”
“No, I don’t think it’s possible to hurt someone like you,” he told me.
“Someone like me? What does that mean?”
Lincoln stared at me. He didn’t look angry anymore, just kind of resigned. “I’m sorry I wasted that much time with someone who doesn’t have the ability to love and be loved. Someone so shallow and superficial that she can treat people like garbage and then run off to sleep with a Woodsmen for fame and fortune.”
“That’s not what I did. That’s not me,” I told him. The words choked out of my throat. “Lincoln, I’m very happy you found someone new and I wish the best for both of you. I really am sorry that I treated you so poorly. I hope some day you’ll take that to heart.”
“Sure.” Clearly, he didn’t believe any of that. “I’m glad I got to see you, just to put all this to rest. Good luck with your baby, Camdyn.” He stood and looked down at my stomach. “Actually, good luck to the baby.”
I sat at the table for a while after he left, hunched over around my stomach. I watched idly as a tear splashed into the gross tea, and then I went home.
“I can’t believe it,” César said. “You actually got dandelion greens?” He grinned. “Five boxes of cookies, but also dandelion greens. Maybe there’s hope for you yet.”
“I can’t take the credit for that. I ran into a former friend and he helped me find the right stuff.” Why was I still lying? “Not a friend, he was a former boyfriend,” I corrected. “Lincoln. He found the greens for you.”
“If I ever meet him, I’ll have to tell him thanks.”
“Yeah, I owe him one,” I said, and César glanced over at me.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing. I think I’m just tired. I’m going upstairs for a while,” I said, because he loved it when I rested. I could tell he was watching me as I left the kitchen.
My room looked a little different now that I had repacked most of my belongings, not into garbage bags this time, but into labeled boxes. I had done everything except the stuff that was the biggest mess, my mom’s “personal papers.” I had been pushing that off, and now was not the moment for me to want to stroll down Soleil’s jumbled-up memory lane. Instead, I lay on my side and dozed some before César called me for dinner. The emotional stuff took it out of me.
The dandelion greens were disgusting, no matter how much magic he’d worked on them, and I decided that the next time he put those on the grocery list, I would not be able to find them so easily. Both of us pushed them around our plates, until his phone rang mid-way through dinner and he got up to take it, and I went to the sink to dispose of those bitter stalks. I listened to his side of the conversation between him and his agent, settling the details of a shoe commercial he was going to shoot.
“You really have to go to Chicago tomorrow?” I asked when he hung up.
“I won’t be gone very long. Think of it as a vacation for yourself from me.” He smiled.
I wasn’t interested in a vacation from him. “Will you get lots of new shoes? Will any be in a ladies’ size nine, preferably narrow?”
“Do you really need football cleats?” he asked doubtfully.
I shrugged. “Maybe not.”
“Look at this, though,” César said, and scrolled through his phone. “They’re making something special for us.” He opened up a picture of a tiny pink and white shoe. “Cleats for the baby. Just soft rubber bumps on the bottom,” he explained. “I think they’re going to want her to be in ads with me, too. They
