This led to many fights and many lonely nights.Elizabeth turned inward and stopped asking for affirmation. Evenwhen dressed up in her finest, Peter never commented on how shelooked. She knew it must be because he did not find her attractive.She could walk around the room naked, and he would not initiatehaving sex. Meanwhile the other mothers at school told her howtheir husbands propositioned them two to three times per day. Everyday. Sometimes she wondered if Peter was having his needs fulfilledelsewhere, but decided that that was ridiculous. She didn't knowhow he met that outlet in his life, but she knew that she couldn'tfulfill his needs any more than he could fill hers. On those fewoccasions that they did make love, it was awkward and somewhattedious. From the books Elizabeth read, if they were really inlove, it should be a lot better.
They lived side-by-side, but were not together.Elizabeth tried her best to mold herself to fit Peter's needs. Shetried her hardest not to yell at the children, because it drovePeter mad. He claimed his parents never yelled, which Elizabethfound hard to believe. Peter himself was quick to yell at thechildren and never recognized how often he did so. But God forbidElizabeth raise her voice. When she did, Peter never focused onwhat the children were doing to necessitate her raising her voice.He only focused on how awful she was to constantly be yelling atthe children. On the other hand, Elizabeth was the only one whoenforced rules and standards in the house. Her children neededroutine, and Peter never quite got on board with an establishedbedtime. That, in and of itself, led to many fights betweenElizabeth and Peter.
The marriage seemed to work out well for Peter,but not so much for Elizabeth. Peter got up every morning, showeredand went to work. Every so often, he would pop a frozen waffle inthe toaster, or pour a cup of juice for one of the kids atbreakfast. Sometimes he would put the food away from the dinnerElizabeth cooked at night. Sometimes not. He would stack the dishesup next to the sink, rather than in it, which drove Elizabeth mad.About once a month he would load the dishwasher, although he seemedincapable of actually running it. As his business travel wasincreasing, Elizabeth was left alone more and more. When he washome, Peter played the doting father role perfectly. He attendedschool and sporting events. He hung out with the children in theevening. He was a fun daddy. Things were generally amicable betweenPeter and Elizabeth with the kids there, as long as she was notyelling.
But there were occasional biting comments thatcriticized the way Elizabeth handled things. Small, but pointed,remarks that one really had to pay attention to hear. But shealways heard them and took them to heart. And of course there werethe fights about money. Always about money. When the kids were notaround, Elizabeth and Peter were either bickering about how thehousehold was run or ignoring each other. When she really thoughtabout it, it was almost worse when Peter was home. He loved thekids as best he could, and was great with them, but paid littleattention to Elizabeth. It was one thing to sleep alone every nightwhen your husband was away. It was quite another to sleep next tosomeone who refused to touch you. On the nights he even bothered tocome upstairs to share her bed. She could not remember the lasttime they had had sex.
But Elizabeth didn't know how to define herselfoutside of the context of wife and mother. She knew she was nothappy but could not see herself ever really making a move to leavePeter. She knew she didn't have the guts to do it. After all, inher experience, she was the one who was left, not the one who didthe leaving. And her mother had assured her over and over that noone would want a divorced, middle-aged mother of two. She askedPeter to go for counseling in the past. His response was to laughat her, telling her that she could go if she wanted, but he wasperfectly fine the way he was. Agnes' advice on the situation wasthat Elizabeth should try harder to meet Peter's needs better. Thatwas the job of a wife.
Elizabeth was failing as a wife and probablyfailing as a mother. She knew she had failed as a daughter, neverable to live up to Agnes' high standards. No matter how hardElizabeth tried, it seemed that she was doing nothing but failing.She tried to hold back the tears that accompanied this realization.The sky was quickly growing dark and sleet had started to fall.Elizabeth was thankful for her GPS, a voice in the darkness,telling her where to go. If only she had a GPS for herlife.
It looked as though she had about forty-fiveminutes left before she would reach her destination. She was in arather remote area with narrow, winding roads, and the houses werefarther and farther apart. Often the houses were not even visiblefrom the road, just dots of light peeking through the trees. Thesmell of wood burning stoves was permeating through the vents ofthe mini-van. Elizabeth was praying that a
