Elizabeth tried to regain her composure. Sheglanced out the window above the kitchen sink and watched Teddy andSydney playing together in the back yard, enjoying the summerevening. The kids would be out of school next week, and Elizabethwas not sure how they would fill their days. Her hands were busy,rinsing the dishes, the hot water scalding her hands. The pain wasa relief, as it disrupted the rage that was threatening to emerge.Okay, think positively, she told herself. Peter was considering thecalendar, trying to be an active part of their lives. It seemedthat he was trying. She needed to as well. "Nancy is having agathering at her house on Saturday. Some big shindig for Archie'swork people, and she invited us."
"So?"
"Well, I really wanted to go. This is a bigstep, being invited to her house."
"You have one conversation two weeks ago, andnow you're in? What are you, her BFF now?" Peterscoffed.
"Why do you say it like that?"
"That woman is cold and calculating. She'sdomineering and degrading. I don't understand why you want to beher friend or care what she thinks."
"She's not that bad."
"Yeah, right."
"No, really, she's not. I think she'smisunderstood. Everyone wants her to be their friend, but fewpeople are a true friend to her. I think she thinks of me as havingtrue-friend potential. Plus, it's not fair to complain about howshe judges others and then judge her in the same way."
Peter shrugged. "Maybe. I don't see what shehas to offer. I still don't understand why you care so much whatshe thinks. Why does it matter to you so much?"
Now it was Elizabeth's turn to shrug. "I don'tknow, it just does. It's like my chance to repeat high school, andget it right. You know, sit with the cool kids at lunch for achange." She closed up the dishwasher, perhaps with a little moreforce than necessary.
"You've got to stop living in the past. Highschool is long over Elizabeth. It's pretty sad that all these yearslater, you're still hung up on that."
"That's easy for you to say. You liked highschool. You were popular."
"I just didn't care what people thought of me.I still don't. I cannot for the life of me fathom why it matters toyou so much. I thought you were doing better with that. You seemedto be, but you haven't really changed at all, have you?" Peter'swords shocked and hurt Elizabeth, despite the fact that she hadbeen thinking the same thing about him.
In a small, hurt voice, she replied, "I'mtrying. I really am. I just thought it would be fun to go andsocialize while not working some PTA event for once."
"Then go."
"How am I supposed to go, if you'reaway?"
"Get a sitter. We would have had to get one togo together anyway. See if your mom will take the kids."
Elizabeth felt herself relax slightly. Peterwas right. She had to stop thinking that, just because he was away,she had to do it all herself. That was part of what had gotten theminto so much trouble in the beginning. She refused to delegate,instead playing the role of martyr. Agnes operated in much the sameway, and Elizabeth hated it about her mother. She had not seen thatshe was doing it herself. Okay, maybe Peter had a point.
"I'll see if Isabella is available to watch thekids. She's sat for them enough that I think they'd be okay for theevening, don't you?"
Peter was engrossed in a story in the paper,and Elizabeth had lost his attention again. While his advice hadactually been at least partially valuable, Elizabeth hated that sheonly had his attention for such brief periods. She also hated thatshe had been trying to change, but that he couldn't see it. She wastrying, and had been trying. He didn't see it. She feared he neverwould. She had given herself a confidence boost by taking care ofher appearance. She felt attractive and could even stand to look atherself in the mirror most days. She was almost able to walk into aroom with her head up, instead of slinking in and heading right forthe corner. Peter didn't understand that having someone like Nancydesire her friendship validated Elizabeth. It told her that she wasa useful person. That she meant something. She often wondered howPeter did not need any external validation. She didn't think shewould ever be able to understand that.
On the surface, she admired Peter'sself-confidence. But with further probing, it was actually kind ofdisturbing. By not caring about what others thought about him,Peter was disconnected. This included being disconnected fromElizabeth. He operated in his own bubble, detached and apart. Hedidn't let others affect him, but he did not see the effect of hisactions on others, either. And what Elizabeth needed most wasconnection. Growing up as virtually an only child, all Elizabethever wanted was to be a part of something. She thought marriagewould be the ultimate partnership. Her own parents, Agnes andThomas, though seemingly incompatible, were incapable of survivingwithout each other. Their relationship was dysfunctional andsymbiotic, but they were absolutely two parts of awhole.
Even now that there was a more even splittingof the work in the house, Elizabeth and Peter were not reallypartners. They still did not fit together correctly. She felt thatthe best way to describe their relationship was the book,'The Missing Piece' by ShelSilverstein. But still, after all this time, after eleven yearstogether, Elizabeth was still trying to make the pieces fittogether. She was not strong enough now, and was not sure if shewould ever be strong enough to roll on her own.
Peter left for his trip the next day, withoutever really revisiting or finishing the conversation. This botheredElizabeth, that they never really finished a conversation becausehe always drifted away before she was done. Despite all of theprogress they had made, Elizabeth still wondered if they would makeit. She wondered if it would have been better to cut her losseseighteen months ago, rather than putting in all this work, stillonly to fail. At least, if the marriage failed, at this point shecould say she tried, right? Would people know what sacrifices shehad made
