Hold Her Down

your face. No,I had the high-powered P.R. career in the city. J.P. had to travelso much, and was firmly based out of the city, with no room fornegotiation. It wasn't long before I resented him not coming homeevery night. I only came back here after I had John. I knew thecity was no place to raise a baby, or so I said. I threw myselfinto mothering, probably to take the place of my long-gone career."She let that sink in, reflecting on what she was saying. "I hatedthat he got to keep living the life I loved, while I was making allthe sacrifices."

"I think that's called being amother."

"I know that now, and I'm glad now that I madethe sacrifices, but at the time I could not see the forest throughthe trees. At the time, I just hated J.P. For so many things. Forsucking me into his world. For getting me pregnant. For not reallywanting to be married. For marrying me anyway. For continuing onwith his life while mine, as I knew it was over. I couldn’t standto look at him, so I hit him where it hurt. I took his son awayfrom him."

"Wow." Elizabeth could not think of anythingelse. Nancy was just as fucked up as she was. Of course, Nancyprobably never tried to kill herself.

"I guess I'm pretty lucky that J.P. did notwrite a book with me as the main character. It would be much moreunflattering than that Kysa character is."

"I guess that's a positive way to look at it,right?"

"Yeah, and not to spoil the book, but the Kysacharacter is not too awful. She's hard and can appear cold, butcompared to Nellie, she at least has a backbone and the ability tothink for herself. I think, looking at it, I'd rather be thought ofas intelligent and capable, even if a little cold than to bethought of as a puppet to be used."

"Okay, so now that you've thought about it, doyou feel better about this book situation?" Elizabeth shifted. Thegrates of the heating vent on the windowsill were biting into herbare thighs. She didn't want to seem antsy, but she had to standup. Nancy looked at her, and almost seemed disappointed thatElizabeth was leaving.

"I just had to stand up for a minute. I guessyou're not feeling better?" Elizabeth continued, walking over tosit in the chair at the teacher's desk. The cushion of the seat andback provided some relief, and Elizabeth realized just how tiredshe was, and what a long day this had been. While she wasencouraged by this tête-à- tête with Nancy, she was truly justexhausted and wanted to wrap this up.

"I do feel better about that part. I'm stillembarrassed though."

"Embarrassed? What do you have to beembarrassed about?"

"Because I told a few people, in confidence,about the book, and how I thought it was about me. How I thoughtmaybe J.P. was still in love with me a little." Nancy shook herhead and again covered her face in her hands. "I only told one ortwo people, because I was really excited. But you know how therumor mill goes around here."

"Unfortunately, I do."

"Did you hear that I thought it was aboutme?"

Elizabeth shrugged apologetically. "Yeah, Idid."

"From whom?"

Elizabeth felt uncomfortable, but told anyway,like a child reporting back to her mother. "KristySpurns."

Nancy again shook her head. "You see, that'sthe thing. I don't know who to trust anymore. I never talked to herabout it. I know exactly who I told, and I know that they toldother people. It seems everyone wants me to be their friend, butvery few people want to be my friend. You know, when I really needsomething. And this is the kind of thing that is hard to talk aboutwith Archie."

"I can imagine. And I know what you mean aboutfinding it hard to trust people. It seems like everything is just abig competition here."

"It is," Nancy saidmatter-of-factly.

"I know, and I'm not very good at competing. Ialways lose, so after so many years, it gets hard to keep trying.Sometimes I feel like I've been held down for so long. I wasn't anygood at this in high school, and I'm no better twenty years later.But I do hate the feeling of walking into a room and knowing thateveryone has been talking about you. Makes me run in the otherdirection."

"Oh, no, you can't do that. That just gives thegossipmongers the power. You have to walk into the room with yourhead held high."

"You can do that. I can't," Elizabeth admitted."Sometimes, it takes everything I have just to walk into the room,even when no one is talking about me. I'm just not very strong, Iguess."

"Well, if I can walk into a room after all ofthis, you can too." Nancy stood up and headed for the door.Elizabeth followed her.

"Sure, Nancy. If you say so."

CHAPTER TEN: June 12, 2012

"What do you mean you're going away again?That's twice this month. Already." Elizabeth couldn't prevent theshrillness from creeping into her voice.

"Well, if you wanna go get a job that pays adecent salary so I can stay home all the time, be my guest," Petershot back. He barely glanced up from reading the paper as he slungthis insult at her.

Elizabeth wanted to hit Peter in the face witha cast-iron skillet. Unfortunately for Peter, Elizabeth wasunloading the dishwasher, and the pots and pans were within easyreach. Were they really going to have this fight again? She hadthought they were long past this. All the compromise, all thenegotiation over the past eighteen months was going down thetoilet. She glared at him, and then finally turned away, afraid shereally was going to hit him. Nothing had truly changed. She wasstill trapped with a husband who didn't respect her. And if sheneeded more proof than his words, she had his actions. They hadboth worked all day. Elizabeth had been refereeing since the kidsgot home from school and had cooked dinner. Now she was cleaning upafterwards, while Peter sat and read the paper. She would love tosit and read. But no one was going to swoop in and magically takecare of things.

"What's the big deal anyway? There's nothing onthe