* Can Only Drink From Cups With Small Umbrella
On The Side Syndrome (common in adults)
EATING DISORDERS
* Can’t Swallow Unless Watching
A Screen Syndrome
* Only Eats Food Off Other People’s
Plates Syndrome (common in mothers)
* Only Eats Chippies Syndrome
(common in all children)
* Frightened To Death Of Ice-Cream
With Sprinkles Syndrome (only found in adults)
HEARING DISORDERS
* Can Hear The Weather Coming Syndrome
* Hears Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer All Day Long Syndrome
* Can Hear Other People Thinking Syndrome
HOMEWORK DISORDERS
* Can Only Do Homework
On The Toilet Syndrome
* Eats Homework After
Completing It Syndrome
* Homework Causes Head To Go
So Droopy I Can’t Lift It Up
Off The Kitchen Table Syndrome
* Can’t Do Anything Until
The Very Last Minute Syndrome
KISSING DISORDERS
* Can’t Stop Kissing Telegraph
Poles Syndrome
* Believes My Nose Is Just Way
Too Big To Kiss Anyone Syndrome
* Will Only Kiss People With Noses
That Are Just Way Too Big Syndrome
* Kisses Like A Fish Syndrome
PLAY DISORDERS
* Thinks Chinese Burns Are
Playing Nicely Syndrome
* Can’t Stop Trying To Catch Clouds Syndrome
(highly dangerous)
* Always Ruins Everybody’s Game Syndrome
* Hides When Supposed To Be Seeking, And Seeks
When Meant To Be Hiding Syndrome
PLAIN PAINFUL DISORDERS
* Nothing’s Ever Right Syndrome
* ‘It Wasn’t Me!’ When It Plainly
Was Syndrome
* Has To Be First At Everything
Syndrome (often occurs with
Knows Everything Syndrome)
* Cranky As A Cassowary Syndrome
RANDOM & RARE DISORDERS
* Sticks Feathers All Over Body
And Pretends To Be A Bird At 2.38 pm Precisely
Every Day Except Sunday
And Every Second Tuesday Of The
Month Syndrome
* Toes Growing In The Nose Syndrome
* Has Hair Growing Between The Toes
In The Nose Syndrome
* Not A Single Strange Or Weird Thing
At All Syndrome (extremely rare)
SEEING DISORDERS
* Can See Around Corners But Not
Straight Ahead Syndrome
* Can See Through Clothes / Can See Through
Own Eyelids Syndrome
* The Sky Looks Purple / All Clouds Are
Lime Green Syndrome
* No One Can See Me Picking My
Nose When Driving A Car Syndrome
SITTING DISORDERS
* Screams Like In A Horror Movie Whenever
Seated Syndrome
* Ears Wiggle Violently Whenever Seated Syndrome
* Can Only Sit On Other People Syndrome
* Can’t Sit Down, Not Ever, Never, Not Even
At The Movies Syndrome
SKIN DISORDERS
* Has Stripes Like A Zebra Syndrome
(or Thinks I Have Stripes Like A Zebra Syndrome,
see THINKING DISORDERS)
* Grows Barnacles And Droopy, Floppy, Flappy Bits All Over Body Syndrome
* Can See Through Skin Syndrome
(often accompanied with Can See
Through Eyelids Syndrome)
SLEEP DISORDERS
* Can Only Sleep Hanging
Upside Down Syndrome
* Whistles While Sleeping Syndrome
* Keeps Waking Up In The Bath Syndrome
* Calls People On The Phone And Tells
Them They’ve Won The Lottery
While Sleeping Syndrome
* Can’t Get Out Of Bed Without A Large Boat Horn
Blown In My Ear Syndrome
SPEAKING DISORDERS
* Talks In Slow Motion Syndrome
* Never Says ‘Yes’ Or ‘Sorry’ Syndrome
* Can’t Speak Softly, Only Yells Syndrome
(common in most families)
* Speaks Backwards Syndrome
(also known as Gobbledygook Syndrome)
THINKING DISORDERS
* Can Only Think In Russian But Doesn’t Speak
Or Understand Russian Syndrome
* No Daydreaming Syndrome (always accompanied by No Imagination Syndrome)
* Thinks Everything’s A Disaster Syndrome
* Always Say What I’m Thinking Syndrome
(also known as Blurt It All Out, Why Don’t You? Syndrome)
* One Minute I Think I’m A King, Next Minute
I’m A Caterpillar Syndrome
WALKING DISORDERS
* Feels Like I’m Slipping
Off The Earth Syndrome
* Must Ride An Elephant To School
Or Refuses To Go Syndrome
* Legs Always Hurt When Approaching
A Big Hill Syndrome
Dr Boogaloo returned.
‘Gosh,’ said Blue, ‘I’ve met people who are cranky as a cassowary but I’ve certainly NEVER met someone with zebra stripes!’
‘Quite. People hide the bits they think are strange,’ said the Doctor. ‘I don’t know why. Strange has a bad reputation these days. Didn’t used to, but it does now. Most of us have weird bits and bobs. It’s what makes us interesting. It’s what makes us us. But if they’re causing us pain or trouble, that’s a sure sign we need a retune. We don’t want too much suffering. Just enough to make us wise.’
Dr Boogaloo began rummaging through his collection. His long thin index fingers squiggled up and down the silver boxes like a pair of cricket feelers searching for food.
‘You have so many recordings, there must be millions!’ said Blue.
‘Quite,’ said the Doctor. ‘Collecting songs is a lot like counting stars. You never really stop. Aha! Here it is – Laughter Disorders.’
Squeezed between the Ketchup Disorders and the never-ending Licking Disorders (who would have thought anyone could actually like licking hairy caterpillars?), the laughter section was tiny.
‘Hmm, Laughter Tastes Like Anchovies, Laughs Like A Sausage Dog, Can Only Laugh With Both Cheeks Full Of Grapes – thank goodness you haven’t got that, Blue, we’ve lost a few youngsters to that one. Laughter and grapes do NOT mix! Now, let’s see. I think I’ll try this and this and a bit of this …’
The Doctor grabbed tapes by the armful. He flew up and down ladders that with the press of a button whizzed along the walls. A cherry picker hoisted him up to the ceiling, where he pulled down dozens more. With piles of tapes stacked high to his chin, the Doctor instructed Blue to relax while he programmed her treatment in the control room.
‘There’s a grassy hill to your left, Persian rug to the right. Take your pick.’
Blue fumbled her way to the left until she felt grass beneath her feet. She sat down. If she hadn’t known she was inside a cabin, she would have sworn she was in the middle of a field
