“Please, don’t feel sorry for me.”
“I… I don’t feel sorry for you as an adult,” Gwen said. “I’mactually in awe of you. But my heart aches for that tiny baby, andthat brave boy I never got a chance to know. I would have liked tohave thanked him. I would have been his friend. Here, I thought Ihad it rough. Oh, Crispin, how is it you turned out sowell?”
“You think I turned out well? That’s an interestingperspective.”
“Seriously, you’re smart, educated, caring, loving and giving.How can someone who’s never received love, give it sofreely?”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it that, as if I have a choice in thematter. Like I said before, never having experienced it left mecompletely vulnerable. I’ve wanted it so badly, but I didn’t knowhow to get it. I opened myself countless times to strangers, fosterfamilies came and went. With each placement, I hoped I’d find thatfamily or at least one person to call me theirs, but sadly, itwasn’t meant to be. That’s why at the age of six, I decided I wasunlovable, simple as that.”
“I don’t get it.” Gwen refused to accept it. “If they fixedyour heart, I assume you were healthy after that. Why didn’tsomeone adopt you then?” She was so upset, she shook as she spoke.“Why didn’t any of the foster families keep you?”
“I may have been healthy in all respects, but like I said,people don’t want to get attached to a sick child if they can avoidit. And even though physically I may have been fine, my soul wasalready damaged, and it showed through my outer shell. I wassmaller than most kids my age and quite pale. Neglect will do thatto a child, to anyone. As far back as I can remember, I justassumed I was sick. Everyone around me treated me as if I weren’tto live very long. How do you think that feels to an impressionablechild? You just start believing it. For the longest time, I thoughtI had a weak heart, a sick heart.”
“You’re healthy now, though, aren’t you?” she asked.
“According to my last physical, I have the heart of a longdistance runner,” he said. “How ironic is that? Turns out, I wasn’tsickly at all. I was just led to believe so. The mind is a powerfulthing. You can convince yourself of anything if you put your mindto it.”
“This is all so sad, Crispin.”
“It’s pathetic, but it’s my reality. Take it or leave it. Atleast, you know now. I am no literary hero, I am Crispin Clover, ofno fixed address. How do you feel about me now?”
“Makes me love you even more!” she gasped, ignoring the staresfrom around the pub as she flung her arms around him once again.“If you think any of this makes me love you less, you’re sadlymistaken, sweet Crispin.”
“Prove me wrong and I’m all yours.”
Unable torespond, Gwen turned to her food. They ate in silence followingthat painful revelation. It had been hard to hear, incomprehensibleto her. She had never been exposed to such harshness, and thethought of the man she loved having to grow up in such a way brokeher heart. She was glad he had opened up to her. It definitelyhelped to know where he was coming from. He had been afraid itwould change her mind about him, but it only reinforced her lovefor him. He had survived such a cruel childhood and had grown up tobe the man he was. In truth, she had nothing but admiration for hisfortitude.
Crispin chewedhis food but tasted nothing. He’d lost his appetite. He was torn,relieved, but nervous at the same time. Gwen’s reaction to hisstory had surprised him. He had expected her to turn away from him.Who would want to deal with such emotional baggage? Truth be told,he was ashamed and embarrassed to admit to such a pathetic past.Why would anyone want to be with such a pitiful wretch, a worthlessstray?
He hadn’t toldanyone about his childhood in such great detail ever before. It wasa difficult thing to talk about. He did not want her pity, though.He simply needed her to know so she could decide for herself if shewanted to continue their relationship. While he was glad to havegotten it off his chest, he worried she might change her mind whenthe initial shock wore off and the information sunk in.
Pushing herhalf-eaten plate away, Gwen faced Crispin once again. She took himin with her eyes. None of it made sense. To look at him, you wouldnever know he came from nothing. He had such a regal air about him.Where did that come from? He had such beauty, too. So handsome andfine of features. Everything from his posture to his mannerismswould have you believe he was someone of note.
“Quit looking for anything beyond the obvious, Gwen,” he said,jarring her from her thoughts. “There is no mystery to me. This isit.”
“Have you ever wondered who your real parents were?”
His faceturned hard, his eyes narrowing in response to her question. “Icare not who they were,” he said through clenched teeth. “Whoeverthey were, cared not for me.”
“Sorry I asked,” she said, placing her hand on his knee.Feeling him flinch, she decided to let it go for now.
Chapter 29
“You have noidea how much I love you,” Crispin whispered in her ear, in theearly hours of the morning. “How grateful I am to have found you.”Gwen had awoken in a panic. At first, she didn’t know where shewas. She had gotten used to the inn in London. When she woke up inthe new room, it had thrown her off.
“Me too,” she eventually said, calming at the
