And then, as he listened to the low voice of the praying pastor, he remembered...
“Thank you so much,” Olivia said, standing at the door to see Pastor Herschel off again. Sawyer had slipped away after the prayer, and she wasn’t sure where he’d gone.
“I’m glad I got to see you, too,” the pastor said, stepping outside.
“I don’t know what to say about my brother, though,” she said hesitantly. “I didn’t mean to make this visit about my own problems. You were supposed to be here for Sawyer.”
“He seems more concerned about you right now,” the older man said.
“Yes...” Sawyer had been trying to help, and she appreciated it, even if his sweet gesture made him more difficult to hold at arm’s length. Being here with Sawyer was already opening up old memories, old feelings...old failures. She felt her eyes mist in spite of her attempt to hold back her emotions. “The thing is, Pastor, this situation with my brother is embarrassing for me. I should be able to sort this out on my own, but somehow it’s gotten too big for me to get a handle on.”
“All families have their tensions,” he said with a kind smile. “As a minister, I see it all. Believe me, this is not so rare as you may think. Deaths in the family have this tendency to be watershed events. Sawyer’s father’s death, your mother’s death... Everything afterward is different. Relationships change, dynamics change. These things do happen. You’re not the only ones.”
“Mom would have hated this,” Olivia admitted, a lump in her throat. “She wanted me to take care of Brian. Instead, we have a mess.”
“We’ll both pray, and then we’ll see how the Lord moves us,” the pastor said, reaching out to touch her arm. “And keep taking care of Sawyer. I understand that he doesn’t remember any of us, but you being here—it helps more than a pastor popping by. I can tell you that.”
“Thanks,” she said with a weak shrug. “I hope so.”
“Tell Sawyer thank you for letting me visit,” the pastor said. “I hope I didn’t offend him.”
“I’ll let him know. It was nice of you to come by.”
The pastor waved and headed down the steps and toward his car. Olivia shut the front door and sucked in a deep breath.
She crossed the living room and looked around. Where had Sawyer gone off to? Down the hallway, the toddlers’ bedroom door was open, and she walked softly in that direction.
“Sawyer?”
She peeked inside, and she saw him sitting on an ottoman, elbows resting on his knees, his back to her. The room was dim, the curtains shut, and the sound of the toddlers’ soft breathing came from the two cribs across the room. She stepped inside, and when she came closer, she saw that he was holding a tiny pair of socks, sized for newborns, in his hands.
“Sawyer?” she repeated quietly.
He looked up, and there were tears sparkling in his eyes. “I remember it...”
He ran his calloused fingers over the soft cotton.
“You do?” she breathed.
“I remember her belly—Mia’s. It was huge.” His voice was low and rough. “I could put my hand on it, and I’d feel them move around in there...” A tear slipped past his lashes, and he dashed it off his face with the heel of his other hand. “And I remember taking them home... They were so tiny. I was so alone. I missed Mia so much. I can’t even describe it. Lloyd sat up with me that whole night, and we took turns giving the girls their bottles of formula. Just two guys and two tiny baby girls...”
“Oh, Sawyer...” she breathed.
“I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember that,” he said huskily. “I remember trying to put diapers on them, and they were so little that the diapers just about fell off of them. And I was afraid to put them into the cribs, because the house was cold—it was wintertime—and I was afraid they’d freeze. So me and Lloyd, we sat up together, each with a baby on our chests, and we kept them warm.”
Tears misted Olivia’s eyes in response. He was getting it back...and she could see how much he loved his daughters.
He licked his lips and let out a shaky breath. “Is the pastor gone?”
“I saw him off,” Olivia said. “He was worried he’d offended you.”
“Nah. I just... I remembered, and I came in here to see them, and to see if I could get more back.” He swallowed hard, and turned his watery gaze toward her. “Olivia, I wasn’t much of a husband, or a father.”
“That’s not true—” she started.
“Yeah, it is.” He shook his head. “It is. Mia loved me, but I put her through a lot. I didn’t talk about my feelings, and I worked constantly. She put up a good front, but I wasn’t making her happy.”
“I don’t believe that,” Olivia said fiercely.
“Ask Lloyd. He’s the one who filled me in. I wouldn’t even go to church with her.” He shook his head. “After she died, I sent my daughters to church with extended family. What kind of a father does that?”
“A hurt one,” she said quietly. “At least you sent them.”
He shook his head. “Not good enough.”
Sawyer rose to his feet and walked over to Bella’s crib. He reached down and stroked her cheek with the back of his finger. He was motionless for a moment, and Olivia wondered if she should leave him, but then he turned back toward her.
“You didn’t know me as well as you think,” he said bitterly.
“Sawyer, I don’t know what kind of man you think you were, but I knew you!” she said, crossing the room and stopping in front of him. “Family has all sorts of tensions—the pastor was just telling me that. And your family was no exception. But that doesn’t change who you are!”
“And who am I?” he asked, spreading his hands. “Because I don’t
