But Gott wasn’t soothing her heart! He wasn’t taking these feelings away! Why not? She was trying to do the right thing—not to toy with something so powerful as this kind of attraction between a man and a woman—and Gott wasn’t doing what everyone assured her He would do if she just took a step in the right direction. Gott was not making this easier.
The grass was long and lush. There was only about two acres between the Kauffman house and the fence at the end of their property, but Patience liked this walk—wildflowers mingling with grass, the birds twittering their good-nights in the copses of trees, and the warm wind reminding her that there was still life on the other side of loss.
As she came within sight of the wooden fence that separated the two properties, she saw a figure standing there, head down, shoulders stooped, leaning against the top rail. It was Thomas—she’d know him anywhere. She slowed her stride, wondering if she should turn back. He lifted his head, looking out toward the sunset—away from her and to her left. What was he doing out here—the same as her? No one walked out this direction unless they wanted privacy, and it wouldn’t be right to interrupt his, and yet—
Thomas turned then as if on instinct—and he seemed to have spotted her, because he straightened.
“Patience?” he said, his voice surfing the breeze toward her.
She couldn’t turn back now, and if she had to be utterly truthful, she didn’t want to.
“I just came for a walk,” she said, closing the distance between them. They stood on either side of the wooden fence, the grass rippling around her as she looked into Thomas’s pain-filled face.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m...just thinking, I guess,” he said. “Are you?”
Did her own misery show on her face, too? “I’m praying,” she said.
“What are you praying for?” he asked.
“Comfort,” she said. She didn’t want to tell him that she was praying for Gott to empty her heart of whatever it was she was feeling for him.
Thomas leaned against the fence. It came up only to just below his chest, and he reached for her hand. She came closer and reached out, and he caught her fingers in his strong grip. It was a relief to have this contact with him, and she shut her eyes for a moment, wishing she didn’t feel it.
“I missed you,” Thomas said, his voice low and gruff.
“Thomas...”
“I know, I know,” he said. “I’m supposed to turn this off, aren’t I? I’m supposed to recognize that it won’t work and do the honorable thing.”
“Yes!” she said. “We both are! What are we, if we aren’t honorable?”
Patience took a step closer. The fence loomed between them, the grass tickling her legs, and she looked down at his work-worn fingers moving over hers.
“Have you managed to stop feeling this?” he asked.
“No,” she whispered. “But I’m praying for it... Oh, how I’m praying...”
Tears misted her eyes and she swallowed hard. Thomas released her fingers and she pulled her hand against her apron. She didn’t know what to say. She had no words of wisdom here, no answers that would fix this problem for them.
“You’re all I seem to think about,” Thomas said. “And when I see you, I—I don’t know even know how to explain it. It’s like I can’t be content until I’ve held your hand, or...kissed you.”
“But Thomas, you know what you need... And I’ve already turned down one man because I can’t live my life being the second best he settled for. I can’t be that for you, either.”
“Should we avoid each other, then?” he murmured.
“Maybe...” But the very thought was a painful one. It would hurt for a long time, but eventually, she’d find her balance again.
“The bishop came to visit tonight,” Thomas said.
“The bishop? Why?” she breathed. Had gossip already spread? Had someone seen them together? Possibilities tumbled through her head, and she couldn’t help but feel that welling sense of guilt. A couple couldn’t play with these things. Especially not the schoolteacher!
“It was about my mamm,” he said.
“Oh...”
He gave her a brief overview of the bishop’s visit and his request for their input, and then he heaved a sigh. “I can’t ask the bishop to turn my mamm away, and yet, I’m scared for Rue.”
“You’ll raise Rue right,” Patience said, but even as the words came out of her mouth, she knew it wasn’t enough.
“I’ll need to get married,” he said, and his voice caught.
Patience stared up at him. She could hear in his voice that it wasn’t her that he’d wed, either. He’d have to find someone who could give him kinner to fill in those gaps in his home.
“Yah, you will,” she said, trying to sound braver than she felt. “It will be okay.”
“Will it?” he asked. “Really?”
“I think you need to—” she started.
“No, tell me how you feel about it,” he interrupted her. “Because I’ve been thinking myself in circles. What really matters here is how we feel.”
“No!” she snapped. “No! I’m not doing that, because it isn’t fair! I hate it, okay? I hate it! And I won’t go to your wedding, either!”
“Good. At least you hate it as much as I do.”
Thomas reached for her hand again and pulled her up against the fence. He dipped his head down and caught her lips with his. His kiss was sad, and filled with longing. She let her eyes flutter shut, leaning against that rough wood that held them apart as he kissed her tenderly. When he
