The sun had set now, the last smudge of red along the horizon, and they stood there in the growing darkness, a fence between them, and her heart aching in her chest.
“How am I supposed to just walk away from the woman I love?” he whispered.
The breath whisked out of her lungs as the words hit her.
“You love me?” she whispered.
Thomas looked at the fence between them irritably. “Yah, I do.”
Thomas climbed the fence, and then vaulted himself over the other side. He tugged her into his arms and pulled her close. She could feel his face against her hair, the stubble on his cheek scraping against the stiff cotton of her kapp. It felt good to have his arms around her, his heart beating strong against her.
“The question is,” he said, his voice low and gravelly, “do you love me?”
Patience felt the tears rise up inside her. She’d been fighting this for longer than she’d realized. This man had managed to slip beneath her cautious defenses, and she’d fallen for him. She’d been praying and praying for Gott to take this away, but... It was too late.
“Yah,” she whispered. “I do.”
The inevitable heartbreak she was trying to protect herself from had arrived. She’d fallen in love with him in spite of all her best efforts. And now all she could do was pray that Gott would take her through.
The dusky darkness was growing ever deeper, and Thomas looked around them. In the distance, the Kauffman house’s downstairs windows glowed with light from the gas lamps, but it felt far away, and the chill of oncoming autumn whispered through the grass. He’d been standing out here praying for some sort of insight, some wisdom that could come only from Gott, and instead he’d come face-to-face with the woman he couldn’t seem to get out of his system.
Was she his answer? Dare he hope it? Thomas cupped her cheek with one hand, and she leaned into his touch. Her skin was so soft, and her eyes glittered in the lowering light. She loved him... Somehow, he hadn’t expected her to admit it. But he wasn’t alone in this ocean of emotion—she loved him, too! His heart welled up inside his chest. If she loved him, there was hope, wasn’t there? He wasn’t just some foolish man pining for a woman who didn’t see him the same way. This was different...
“You love me,” he repeated. “Then let’s find a way.”
“What way?” she asked.
“So I’m supposed to find someone else?” he whispered.
“Yah.” Her voice sounded strangled.
“And if I want you?”
“I want you, too... But it isn’t about that, is it? Do you think I want to be the one who holds you back from the full life of a growing family?” Patience demanded, her voice strengthening. “You seem to think this is about your sacrifice only, but I’m not the kind of woman who can give a man half the life he wants and figure I’ve done well for myself. Getting a husband is a fine accomplishment, but marriage is about a whole lot more than a wedding, because after the excitement and when things calm down again, you’d still want kinner. You’ll still need them! That isn’t going away. And when women in our community got pregnant, women I’ve made quilts with, I’d constantly wonder what you were thinking, because I would know that you settled for me. I wouldn’t be sure if I was enough, after all.”
Enough! Could she even wonder that?
“You would be,” he insisted.
“No!” She took a step back. “No, Thomas! I have older sisters. I’ve seen the rhythm of marriage. It starts out passionately where nothing else matters but the two of them, but a family matters. And your needs won’t go away. Neither will Rue’s.”
Rue... She was the one he needed to worry about, and Patience had made a painfully accurate point. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to give his daughter enough reason to stay Amish, to stay with him... But there was an Amish proverb that said, Don’t bother telling your child what to do, she’ll only copy your actions anyway.
And what would Rue do as an only child in an Amish community? She’d be different in two ways then—born English, and having no siblings at home. She needed stability, and it was very difficult to achieve that when Thomas couldn’t give her what all the other Amish kinner would have. When she got to be a teen, she’d do what her own daet had done—she’d launch herself out into the unknown, away from the community, away from her daet. He’d lose her, and he couldn’t take that chance.
“It won’t work,” he breathed.
“No, it won’t.” Patience’s chin quivered.
How much heartbreak had this woman gone through already? He hated being the cause of more pain for her, but sometimes love wasn’t about a feeling. Sometimes love had to be broader and deeper. It had to persevere and sacrifice, and it had to do the right thing, even when it didn’t want to. He had to be a daet first. He’d brought Rue into this world, and Gott had brought her home to him. He could no longer follow his own heart when it came to the woman he longed to be with, not when being with her would jeopardize his daughter.
A child was a gift from Gott, and she was lent to him for only a little while. He’d never forgive himself if he let his daughter go in order to satisfy his own romantic longings. Whatever his daughter chose when she grew up, he had to know that he’d done his very best by her and have no regrets to haunt him in his old age.
“I’m still going to love you, even if we can’t make this work,” he said huskily.
“Yah, me, too...” Her voice was thick was tears.
“So what do we do?” he asked.
“We carry on,” she
