Leaning closer, I breathed him in. “Different. Good. Like home.” My words didn’t make much sense to me, so I could only imagine how they sounded to him, but I only repeated what my brain managed to concoct.
I stepped into him, and he stiffened, lowering his hands from my arms and resting them at his sides. At first, I thought I’d misread the interaction between us and was embarrassed, but then he wrapped me in a welcoming hug.
“Maddie.” My name never sounded so good before.
“Do you really think I’m beautiful?” I searched for the compliment even though he’d already told me he thought I was.
Call it insecurity.
Call it low self-esteem.
Call it whatever… I wanted to hear his answer again.
When I looked up at him, he lowered his face, his mouth several inches from mine. His tongue swept over his bottom lip, the sheen of wetness glistening… teasing.
“Yes.” I almost forgot I asked him a question, focusing on his mouth before I lifted my gaze and looked deep into his eyes. There was some sort of emotion laced behind them, but I couldn’t sort out what it was exactly. Compassion? Desire? Intrigue? Although I would’ve expected to see pity again, there was none.
Seconds passed with us staring at each other, and under other circumstances, I would’ve felt awkward under the microscope, but sharing such intimate space with Lincoln fueled my need to connect with him. Unsureness fell to the wayside.
Leaning up on my tiptoes, I pressed my lips against his and at first, he didn’t move, his only reaction to my boldness was a quick pull of air. I counted the seconds, and if he didn’t kiss me back, I would pull away.
One…
Two…
Lincoln grabbed the sides of my face and pulled me closer, which I thought was near impossible, but he managed to capture my mouth with a firmness I’d only dreamed about. He tilted my head and begged for entrance with the tease of his tongue. Once I opened for him, our kiss turned frenzied. I followed his lead, exploring his mouth as he did mine, breathing his air into my lungs and feeling like if we stopped, I’d cease to exist. But as quickly as our kiss happened, he stopped it, moving back while still holding my face.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, shaking his head and looking like he’d hurt me. “You’ve been drinking. I should’ve never kissed you.”
Hearing what sounded like regret in his voice, I pulled my head back, and his hands dropped. “Did I not do it right?”
“What?”
“That was my first kiss. Did I not do it right?” Sudden embarrassment stole over me, tamping down any shamelessness I’d felt. I’d seen some of my girlfriends kiss their boyfriends before, and I had hoped I’d emulated what I’d seen. But maybe I failed.
“What do you mean that was your first kiss?” Lincoln looked at me like I’d grown a second head.
“I’ve never kissed anyone before.” I thought my words were self-explanatory.
“How is that even possible? How old are you?”
“Eighteen, but my parents were super strict, especially my father. Being the daughter of a pastor didn’t do anything for my appeal with the boys. Mix that with I attended an all-girls school, and there wasn’t much opportunity for kissing. Then when I met Pike, I thought maybe he would be my first, but that didn’t happen.” I looked away for a moment when I said, “I prayed none of them would try and kiss me whenever they forced me. I wanted to keep something sacred. Besides, they weren’t interested in that stuff. Only the….” Looking back into his eyes gave me a brief amount of comfort that he would understand, but when I saw him tremble, if only for a second, my nerves took over. “I’m sorry.” Those two words were the only thing I could think of to say if he was, in fact, upset with me for whatever reason. Hopefully my apology was enough for him not to shut me out, in whatever way that meant.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Maddie. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He cradled my cheek in his hand when he spoke again. “And no, you didn’t do it wrong. You were perfect.” He leaned closer, and I thought he was going to kiss me again, so I closed my eyes, but then his lips pressed against my forehead. Releasing a disappointed breath, I took a step back afterward.
“I thought maybe you wanted to kiss me. You said I was beautiful. I misunderstood.” I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me, pressing his chest flush to my back.
His warm breath spanned across the side of my face. “I did want to kiss you. I shouldn’t admit this, but I wanna do everything with you, but I can’t.”
Without looking at him, I asked, “Why?” Was I ready to have sex with Lincoln, a guy I barely knew, simply because I desired him, especially after everything I’d been through? No. But did I see any harm in sharing a passionate kiss like the one we just had? Again… no.
“Because it’s not right.”
He gave me the answer I feared he would. Because of what his enemies did to me, he no longer saw me as decent, as worthy. My father always told me that if I was to ever have sex outside of marriage, I’d be considered dirty, and no one would want me otherwise. I now see he was right, even though I hadn’t chosen to have sex with those men.
“I understand.” I tugged my arm away from him. “Because of what happened, I’m no longer clean.”
“That’s not what I meant at all. I don’t think that. I just can’t—”
“It’s okay. I should’ve never thrown myself at you.” Tears blurred my vision, and I was thankful I wasn’t facing him, but I needed to be alone, and I wasn’t about to go back out to the
