She kissed me once, twice before her lips returned to brushing against mine again.
“Let yourself have me… I’m yours.”
I wished it was that simple. That I could have her and it would be okay. Nothing in my life was that easy.
“I need you to understand all I’ve ever known is pain. Pain when someone touches me. Pain when someone speaks to me. Pain that tears you apart and the pieces never fit back together again. I don’t want to cause you pain. You’re too precious for such things.”
“Not all pain is equal or bad, Ror. You give me the type of pain I crave. When you hurt me, I feel alive. It heightens my pleasure. I know you’ve been through hell and back. I know you’ve suffered. I want to help you feel good. To make you happy. Give you what you need. Please let me. It’s just you and me here. I know you won’t go too far. I know you won’t break me. I trust you. Let that be enough for both of us.”
I pulled back so I could look at her properly. Her expression was so sincere. It’s not that I didn’t believe her, but my fears were still present. Fears of hurting her. Of her touching me during sex without warning and me freaking out over it. Then again, she’d touched me several times when I hadn’t been expecting it and I hadn’t lost my shit with her.
Reaching up, I twirled a lock of her hair around my finger, settling it across her chest.
“I didn’t bring you in here for… sex.”
“I know and we don’t have to do it either. I don’t need sex to be with you. That’s not what this is. I just want you… and maybe some kissing if you’re comfortable with it, but the other stuff? I’m not trying to pressurise you. I’m trying to tell you it’s okay if you want to let go with me. I’m trying to get you to see you don’t have to be afraid that I’ll run or I’ll break. I’m not going anywhere, Rory, no matter what you do to me.”
I stroked my fingers down her collarbone, brushing across the top of her chest. Her breath stuttered a little.
“I’m scared of you touching me, little star. I’m scared when your hands are on my bare skin, I’ll feel different hands… fists… and all the pain inflicted on me again and again. I don’t want that to happen, especially not when I’m inside you for the first time.”
She reached up, careful to do it slowly so I could see what she was about to do. Her hand grazed across my cheek.
“Then let me try without it being sexual. When there’s no pressure for it to be anything else.”
I leant into her touch, shivering as her fingers tightened around my face.
“Can I touch you at the same time?” I whispered.
Her eyes softened and grew ever more tender.
“Of course you can. Whatever you need.”
I didn’t deserve her. Yet it no longer mattered. Ash was mine.
I pulled away completely, sitting up and rubbing my face. She was right. Maybe we did need to do this slow. Take the pressure off. Maybe if she touched me without it being an issue, then I could move forward. I could let myself be with her fully.
I stood up and put my hand out to her. She shifted, turning so her feet landed on the carpet before putting her hand in mine so I could pull her up. I led her over to my bed, eying the open door warily. Shutting it completely seemed wrong but having it wide open for anyone to see what we were doing didn’t feel right either.
I left Ash by my bed and pushed the door over. When I returned to her side, she looked up at me with caution in her expression. I reached for her, my fingers curling around the bottom of her t-shirt. Pulling it off, my eyes immediately went to her chest, taking in how it rose and fell steadily and her perfect set of breasts contained in a see-through teal lace bra. I could see her nipples straining against the fabric. Swallowing hard, I tried not to think about how much I wanted to bite down on them until she cried.
“Lie down, little star.”
I watched her get on my bed. The first person other than me to be on there. It seemed fitting she’d get that first. Ash already had a lot of my firsts. The first girl I’d let go with when I kissed her. The first girl I’d ever been in a committed relationship with. The first girl I’d ever wanted completely.
Breathing hard, I pulled my own t-shirt off. Ash’s eyes roamed over me, making me very aware I might not be what she was expecting. I watched her throat work as she swallowed. There was nothing in her expression which told me she was disappointed. Quite the opposite. Naked fucking desire shone in her blue eyes.
I looked down at myself, wondering what it was about me she found so attractive. I hadn’t let myself go or anything, but there was a long faded scar running down the side of my abdomen from where one of the other foster kids had cut me. It was Quinn who’d taken me to A&E to get stitched up. My foster parents hadn’t given a shit about it nor had they even told the boy off who’d done it. They didn’t care about anything other than money and getting high. That’s when they got abusive. I shuddered, closing down those thoughts before they got me worked up.
I knelt on the bed and crawled over her, breathing hard. Our bodies were so close together. The anticipation of this had my stomach churning. I needed her to get it over with because I couldn’t stand the tension in the air between us.
“Ash, please,” I whispered, staring down at her. The girl I wanted more
