****
The next day at school, I had a lot of work to catch up on, so I spent my lunch and study hall gathering up the work I had missed from the previous day. At lunchtime, I talked to Gram, and I was happy to hear that she was being released from the hospital that afternoon. Marc was going to pick her up and bring her home. It was surreal to think that Gram and Marc and I would be in the same house again. Marc said he was extending his stay. He didn’t say for how long, but my heart hoped for permanently.
This was going to be a big day for me. It was the day I planned to tell Brandon about my mom. I meant to bring the pamphlet with me so I could do it right after school let out, but I left it at home. For some reason, I needed the physical pamphlet to open the discussion. It was like a security blanket, and I just knew that with the pamphlet in my hand I could do it. That morning, I saw Brandon quickly in the parking lot, and he asked if I wanted to hang out after school. I figured I’d have us go to my house, and I’d do it there. That would be good. Then I could even show him pictures of her. For some reason, I felt less afraid now. Once Zoe had talked to me about freeing myself from my mom’s death, something seemed to click. And now, more than anything, I wanted to be free.
I met Brandon in the parking lot after school. He greeted me with a hug. His hugs felt great. “I have to do something for my mom, and I was wondering how you’d feel about coming with me.”
Something about his tone made me nervous. It was serious, and a little cautious. “What do you need to do?”
He kicked at a pebble on the ground. “My Aunt Mary went and put some flowers on Bobby’s grave, and the thing is, you’re not allowed to put real flowers at the gravesite. Something about too much maintenance for the staff of the cemetery or whatever. So you can only leave plastic flowers. My mom wants me to go and remove the flowers my aunt left. And I wanted to know if you’d come with me.”
To the cemetery? “Oh Brandon.” There was a lump in my throat the size of a softball.
He took my hands in his. “I know it’s uncomfortable, but after you told me about your brother… I don’t know. I feel closer to you or something. I mean, Bobby was my brother, and he meant the world to me. I think he’d be cool with the girl I’m falling for paying him a visit. What do you think?” His eyes were so soft, and I felt like I could see his sweet spirit inside him. Maybe it was the part of Bobby that he carried with him that shone through his eyes. Whatever it was, I had to say yes. Today was going to be a day of going forward, not backward.
Chapter Twenty-Two
If there had ever been a time to have a panic attack, it was that moment. And I was pretty sure I was on the verge of one. Brandon was driving, and with each road that took us closer to the cemetery, a new symptom would manifest itself. It started with sweaty palms. Simultaneously, my heart rate accelerated, and my stomach felt queasy. My throat felt numb. I tried sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking, but then my knees were bopping up and down.
“Are you cold?” Brandon asked when he saw me shaking.
“What? Oh, no. I’m fine. In fact, I’m a little warm.” I rolled down my window and let the cool, late afternoon air whip against my face. By the time we got to the cemetery, I practically had my whole head sticking out the window, like a dog on a long car trip.
Brandon held my hand, and we walked to Bobby’s grave. Pins and needles were shooting off throughout my entire body. I shouldn’t have been there. Part of me wanted to ask him if I could stay in the car, but right when we got there, he thanked me again for coming with him. That and the sweetest, softest kiss he had ever given me was what got me out of the car. Soon after, we were standing at Bobby’s grave. My breath quickened, and I needed to close my eyes and concentrate on not passing out.
“You know what’s weird?” Brandon said, “It feels so different when I’m here. I feel closer to him or something.” He looked at me, his eyes searching for a sign of approval.
“That’s not so weird.” Right after my mom died we all went to the grave, and I almost didn’t want to feel the closeness I did to her then. After all, she was dead. I wanted to feel her, not her spirit.
“Well I have this uncle, my mom’s brother, who’s never been here. When Bobby first died, I came here every day for two weeks. Then one day, my uncle said to me, ‘You know he’s not there. Bobby’s long gone. His spirit’s long gone too. You’re just standing at a grave marker. You could just as well stare at his picture. There’s no reason to go to the grave.’ After he said that, I stopped coming till the day Nicholas and my mom came, so Nicholas could let the balloon go.” He knelt down, and removed the stargazer lilies that his aunt had placed on the grave marker. My
