“So, you’re nudging her in your direction?”
“Gently.”
“By making her fall… for another guy?”
“Yes!”
He squints in confusion. “Nope. You’ve lost me again.”
I sigh. “This secret admirer is brand new. He’s simple and suave and he always knows exactly what to say — but! — someday soon, this guy will go distant on her. The flowers have already stopped showing up. Flat-out ghosted, you know what I mean?”
“I am familiar with the term.”
I part my hands, signaling a fork in the road. “Suddenly, that path isn’t looking too great, but the other path…” I point at myself. “This one? This one looks familiar. This one’s great in bed and very, very charming.”
“And sober,” Roger adds, feigning a gasp. “And employed.”
“This path ain’t looking so bad anymore for Melanie Rose. This path is endgame. It’s happily ever after and destiny and all the other fantasies she writes about every day.”
Roger chews his lip. “Question.”
“What?” I ask.
“What part of that isn’t emotional manipulation?”
I open my mouth to answer, but exhale hard. “You just don’t get it.”
“Robbie, and I say this as your one and only friend…”
“You’re not my only friend, Rog.”
He chortles. “Yeah, right. Robbie, as your only friend, I mean it with love when I say that I look forward to the day when all of this blows up in your face.”
I laugh. “You’re such a good sponsor.”
He raises his mug. “I’m the best.”
“Hey, Rob!”
I instinctively flinch as I hear the familiar voice.
Val.
She stands over our table, smiling from ear-to-ear as she stares at me with wide, crazy eyes.
“Oh. Hey, Val,” I say. “How you doing?”
“I’m doing great,” she says. “And yourself?”
“I’m good. What brings you to this neighborhood?”
“Oh, just doing a bit of shopping,” she says, casually flipping her long, blonde hair. “Meeting a few friends for lunch, too. Saw you over here and just had to say hi.”
I glance around. Not a single gaggle of college girls in the joint. No shopping bags, either.
“Hi,” I say.
Roger kicks my shin beneath the table. I glare at his wagging eyebrows.
“Val, this is my friend, Roger,” I say under protest. “Roger, my neighbor, Val.”
“Enchanté,” he says as he extends his hand.
She places her fingers in his and smiles as he kisses the back of her hand. “C’est un plaisir de vous rencontrer, Monsieur Roger,” she replies.
Roger gasps with delight. “Your French is exquisite,” he says, looking her up and down.
“Thank you,” she says. “I just returned from a semester in Paris.”
“You don’t say,” I mutter from behind my mug.
“Really?” Roger says. “I just love Paris. Most beautiful city in the world, I say.”
Val giggles as she quickly turns back to me. “Speaking of which, have you thought about my party?” she asks.
“A party?” Roger repeats. “You’re having a party?”
“Just a little get-together with some friends,” Val answers. “Celebrating my return to Chicago.”
“Well, that sounds like fun! Doesn’t that sound like fun, Rob?”
I kick Roger’s ankle beneath the table, but that smirk never budges. Damn masochist. “Yeah, I checked my schedule, Val,” I say. “It doesn’t look like I can make it. Sorry.”
“Nonsense!” Roger says. “That thing we had that night was canceled.”
“You don’t even know when—”
“Of course he’ll be there!” he says over me. “He wouldn’t miss it for the world. A girl only comes back from Paris once in a lifetime.”
Val squeals. “Excellent! I’ll keep my door unlocked for you,” she says, winking at me. “Anyway, my friends are waiting for me, so…”
“Okay, Val,” I say, glaring at Roger. “See you later, Val.”
Roger grins at her. “Ca me fait plaisir de discuter avec vous,” he says.
She blushes. “Bye!”
Roger watches her leave, his eyes permanently glued to her ass as she scampers off toward the hostess station around the corner.
Once she’s gone, he quivers slightly. “I want one,” he says.
“No, you don’t,” I say.
“She’s perfect. Get me into that party.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“She’s barely legal, Rog.”
“But legal.”
“And my landlord’s daughter. He’s an ex-wrestler and very over-protective.”
Roger groans with delight. “Potential daddy issues.”
“And psycho. You realize she probably followed me here, right?”
He bites his lip. “Don’t stop, Robbie. I’m almost there.”
I laugh, but shut it down fast. “We’re not going to that party.”
“Yes, we are,” he says.
“It will be nothing but dumb college girls, man.”
He shrugs. “I don’t see the problem.”
“And booze.”
“Oh.” He straightens up. A man of responsible authority. “I’ll be right by your side the whole time. Don’t worry about that. We shall not give into temptation. At least…” he smirks, “not with booze.”
“I won’t need you by my side because we’re not going.”
“Yes, we are.”
“No, were not.”
He takes a sip from his mug. “Honestly, it sounds exactly like what you need to get over Melanie.”
I frown. “I don’t need to get over Melanie.”
“The divorce you finalized months ago says otherwise.”
“We’re just taking a little break, that’s all.”
“Really, dude?” Roger cants his head. “Really?”
“I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Good. Because I don’t.” He peeks around the corner, desperate for one last glance at Val’s rear end, but she’s obviously long gone now. “Look, at least go and wingman for me,” he says.
I laugh. “You don’t need my help to get laid.”
“You’re damn right I don’t!” He smiles. “But I do need you to get me through the door.”
“Pass.”
“Please.”
“No.”
“Pretty please?” he says. “With shackles on top?”
“Sprinkles,” I correct.
“I said what I said.”
I bite down to stifle my laugh.
“Just get me through the door!” Roger says, chuckling. “Then, you can sneak back home and not have sex with your ex-wife ever again some more.”
I scoff. Roger’s persistence has never been more annoying than it is right now. Might as well stop postponing the inevitable. I’m not getting out of this until I give him what he wants, but at least it’ll be easy to sneak out afterward.
“Fine,” I say. “I will get you through the door.”
Roger slams his fist once on the table. “That’s my boy!” he says.
“But then, I’m out.”
He deflates. “That’s your call, but I strongly encourage you to reconsider.”
“No,” I
