She killed my unborn child. Without my consent.
But you weren’t around. He shook his head. It didn’t matter. That didn’t give her the right to make such a cold, callous decision. No right at all.
What if the baby had been a boy? Or a sweet girl like Rebekah or Rachel? He sniffed, trying to keep the lid on his emotions. He stood up again and resumed pacing.
Lord, You could have prevented it. You could have made her change her mind.
Then what? Would he have been any happier if he came back to Freedom Lake to find out he had a twelve-year-old child? He would have felt like he was robbed of his child’s life. Of course, maybe she would have told him the moment she found out where he had gone.
If she did, would Rebekah and Rachel have been born? Would he have tried to get back with her instead of moving on with life with Charlene? He wouldn’t trade the time he had with her.
“Ahhh!”
Why was it all so difficult?
He gripped the back of the bench, his breath coming in spurts. In the corner of his mind, he could see Michelle’s face as she told him. The tears streaming down her face. It was too bad she didn’t feel like that before she decided to kill their child.
Sort of like you wishing the girls were dead?
His body tensed up. That wasn’t the same thing.
Why not?
He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his palms against them. He didn’t kill his girls. But you thought it.
His heart picked up speed. It was the one thing that ate at him. Even though he hadn’t told anyone how he felt. He had thought it. Lived it, even, for a few months. He had wished they had died instead of his wife. They could have always had more kids, but he could never get Charlene back. At least, that had been his line of thinking.
Was Michelle’s thoughts similar?
Had she thought it would be better to try again when she was able? When she had someone to support her? Have someone to do life with instead of being alone?
A boyfriend who didn’t ditch her?
A grimace took over his face. Michelle had said she regretted it the moment it started, but it was too late. Had it eaten at her soul like cancer cells? Spreading with no end in sight? He gulped. He knew regret. Had wakened up to it for the last three years before he turned back to God. Before he accepted the grace God so richly offered.
Grace. What was it that Chloe had said? That it turned people to Christ. That it increased their faith. The more sin abounded, the more need for grace, right?
He was no better than Michelle. Sure, he only thought it, and she actually went through with it, but he knew from the look on her face that her regret matched his. Well, it may actually be more than his. Because as horrid as his thoughts were, they didn’t come true. He loved his girls with all his heart. He had been overcome with grief.
Wasn’t Michelle?
It was true, at the time she was still grieving her parents’ death...and his abandonment. He cringed. Shame, tightening his entire being. Froze him. He had ditched his eighteen-year-old-pregnant-orphaned girlfriend. Left her alone, scared, ashamed, and who knew what else.
And here he stood clinging to self-righteousness. Part of him didn’t want to forgive her. Part of him wanted the anger to swirl around him like the rising tide and consume any love he had for her. He wanted to fuel it and validate his feelings.
Yet in doing so, he would be discounting every good thing Michelle had ever done. He would also suffer the same fate of unforgiveness, for didn’t God call them to forgive one another so they could be forgiven too? Because, he was the reason she had been in that predicament. If Guy had guarded her virtue as he should have, that decision would never had been made. Michelle wouldn’t have been left alone to deal with the cards life had dealt her. That he had contributed too.
It was obvious she was on the path to God. She was more genial. Look at the way she encouraged Bekah to enunciate more slowly to help her speech impediment. The way she cautioned Rachel to look out for Bekah instead of ruling over her. The way she listened to his day, giving him her undivided attention. Never, never, had anyone focused on him so...so wholly. She didn’t stare at her cell phone or an iPad or any other device. She didn’t look away at the TV, but met his gaze as he poured forth whatever he was thinking.
She showed she cared with every look...touch. She hadn’t said it, but he was pretty sure she loved him. Like she did thirteen years ago.
He groaned. He’d been an...well, he couldn’t say that. But it was fitting. He didn’t know how long it would take to not think of the abortion without the what-ifs, but thinking of his life without Michelle...
Well, that was a level of Dante’s place he was unwilling to experience.
“Now what, Lord?”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Michelle clapped her hands to the music. Today, she had finally been able to connect with the words during worship. She had much to be thankful for even if her heart had cracked wide open when she saw Guy. He hadn’t seen her since she had arrived late to ensure she wouldn’t be noticed. No one would look for her in the last row in the sanctuary.
Yet she missed sitting next to Chloe and Jo, even though it freed her to worship the God who had given her grace. Thank You for Your forgiveness. Please help me to hold
