The End of the Moment We Had

of movies you like? That’s what I asked before, remember, and you said you’re not a soundtrack buyer, right? And then I was like, why not? And that’s when the movie started, I mean it was just the trailers, but we couldn’t really talk any more, so that’s where the conversation ended, right? You remember all that, right? So can we pick up where we left off? And when I asked that, he said sure. So I did. So when you say you don’t buy soundtracks, why is that? To be honest, I am really curious, like do you have a reason? When I was asking him this, I leant even more of my body weight against the wall. I wanted him to lean on the wall too, so we could be leaning the same way on the same wall, except that he was going to be facing me and talking to me, so I was like inviting him to join me. But not surprisingly, he didn’t lean. Though I have to say it was a pretty subtle invitation. I knew it probably didn’t even get through to him.

So he said, yeah, when it comes to soundtracks, sometimes I want to buy it right after I’ve seen the movie, and especially if it’s like a good movie, or like if the music made a strong impression, so sometimes I feel like I have to buy it—and I said, uh huh, yeah. He kept going, so, yeah, I get it, sure, but you know, every time I go and buy one, and I’ve bought a bunch, it’s always like, I mean I’m saying this from experience here, because I’ve bought a whole bunch, but don’t you always just get tired of the soundtrack like almost right away? No? Maybe you don’t, but I do, you know, and at some point I realized that, and I was like, okay, from now on, no more soundtracks for me, so I stopped. He was still standing there, not leaning on the wall. I thought what he was saying was so right on. I mean, I was pretty impressed. Yeah, I totally get what you’re saying, I said, I mean totally! And then I felt like I was kind of floating. I got nervous, I had to say something, so I blurted out, I guess I should stop buying soundtracks too. But as soon as I said it, that floating sensation got worse, I didn’t feel like I had got anywhere. All he said was, it’s whatever you want, buy ’em or don’t. And I said, oh, right, you’re so right. And I kept going, basically everyone’s got their preferences—or, you know, not preferences, but you know what I mean—and so like everyone’s different, right? So everyone can buy them if they want or not buy them if they don’t, is what you’re saying, right? He said, sure. Oh god, I was so unbelievably stupid, when I said, I guess I should stop buying soundtracks too, I mean what kind of a statement is that, I have no clue—I should just shut my mouth and die. But even if it was a statement, the response is obvious, so saying something like that like it’s a statement, I mean it was so lame, but I said it, and thinking about myself saying it, I was like oh my god, I’m the worst, my life is over, and I actually said that out loud, which I didn’t even realize until after I said it, I’m so stupid I should just die, and he must have been thinking the exact same thing. When he heard me say my life is over, he made a confused face, or I’m pretty sure he did. But he wasn’t making that face to be mean or anything, it just happened, which actually made it hurt even worse, and I had no idea what to do next. I never know what to do next. I’m always about to fall apart, which I guess is selfish of me, or weak. I couldn’t stop thinking about our soundtrack conversation when I said, I guess I should stop buying soundtracks too and he said, it’s whatever you want. But what he really meant to say was make up your own fuckin’ mind, moron. And I finally realized it, I mean I only just realized—too late—but that’s what it was. It took me this long to understand that I really am a moron. I felt humiliated, even though it was too late to do anything about it, and my body started getting all hot. But maybe I was getting hot from something besides humiliation, maybe something a little different, but I’m a moron, so I don’t really know what else it could be. But either way, I was getting hot, and I felt like I needed to say something, and I ended up saying something totally stupid. Today’s like my lucky day, I’m the worst at getting tickets, I know I should have pre-brought a ticket ’cause it’s cheaper that way but I didn’t, but I mean because of, you know, I got my ticket for cheaper so I totally got lucky, really. So I really, I want to say thanks—and then I took the quickest little breath, like as if I was swimming, and I kept going. But I know if there was an extra ticket, that means that there was supposed to be someone else (with you), so like, sorry, um, if it’s no big deal, and I mean if it is, then don’t worry about it, but I’d like to know (your) name, first name only would be okay, or like a nickname, but I just want to know what I can call (you). By that point I was barely keeping it together. By the way, about the (you) (in parentheses), that’s because I wanted to say it out loud but couldn’t even do that. Before I knew what I was doing, I told