‘…’
‘Kalpana, please don’t cry. I know you’re confused. I can understand that. I, too, am confused. But please know that you’re not going to face the situation alone. We are in it together. I know you can manage better than me. I knew you were pregnant. We need this child, Kalpana. Nature has bestowed us with a gift. We’ll find a way to accept it. Once we accept the fact that our actions alone are not responsible for everything that happens to us, things start looking different. Then we’ll not face each other but face the situation. We’ll be ready to welcome the new arrival. The new one is going to bring us closer than ever before. And will be closest to us. Now come on, my dear! Look at me and give me a smile! That’s it. Shabash!’
‘Kalpana, there’s no anxiety now.’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘I explained the situation to the shop owner. I told him my plan and he agreed right away. What do you say?’
‘What can I say? You haven’t told me your plans.’
‘Didn’t I? Listen. This is what I plan to do… You will be joining after four days, isn’t it?’
‘I’m worried sick. I’ll be joining office after five months. I don’t know how I’ll manage my work.’
‘You’ll be fine.’
‘What about you?’
‘You don’t worry about that. Now, listen to my plan. You’ll leave home at eight-thirty as always. I’ll leave at ten after getting Deepak ready. I’ll drop him in Andheri, at your parents’ place. Then I’ll go to my shop. I’ll stay there until four-thirty. Come back with Deepak before you arrive. When you come home at five-thirty, I’ll go back to my shop and work until eight-thirty or nine. I’ll return by ten. How’s the idea?’
‘Isn’t all this running around going to be too taxing for you? I’m worried you’ll fall ill.’
‘Why should we think of falling ill? What’s the point of thinking along these lines?’
‘I can’t understand you!’
‘Just wait and watch!’
‘He doesn’t listen to me at all these days.’
‘I can’t understand. How can a three-year-old be so stubborn with his mother?’
‘I don’t understand what he wants.’
‘Don’t say that. He doesn’t understand what we want.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Don’t get upset. Leave your job, if need be. But don’t be upset all the time. Do you realize how many hours we spend either fighting or trying to pacify each other?’
‘What can I do then? Deepak is making me go mad…’
‘He’s with me from eight-thirty in the morning. I know him. He doesn’t know us. Think from his perspective for a moment. He’s with his father in the morning, from eight-thirty to eleven-thirty. Then he spends time with his grandparents, until four. His mother, who’s exhausted from her office work, looks after him in the evening. How should he react? Whom should he follow? Whom should he listen to? We call this our home, but we’re hardly here. Deepak may be our son, but we’re hardly with him.’
‘What am I supposed to do, Shekhar? This is all because of my job. And the job is for us to get the flat. Am I not trading my entire youth, energy, all the joys in this world, to get something unreal? Shekhar, why are you so insistent on having a flat of our own?’
‘Seeing myself and six of us suffer in a two-room flat, I’d decided that I wouldn’t allow one more person to suffer the same fate. I’ve seen parents getting fed up of their own children, a brother turning into an enemy. We were crammed so close that we were never together. It couldn’t be called a home. I had to find a way to wipe out that image from my mind. My insistence on an independent flat is to ensure we live our own lives. And the job becomes a means to that end.’
‘Oh, you’ve come back early? Deepak? He seems to be fast asleep.’
‘He dozed off while watching the circus.’
‘And you walked all the way from Dadar with Deepak in your arms?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why didn’t you hire a porter?’
‘A porter is for luggage. Not for carrying small children.’
‘You must be tired.’
‘Yes. But I had no choice.’
‘Wait. I’ll get the bed ready. Put him there.’
‘Did you eat the rice I’d prepared?’
‘No.’
‘Why?’
‘I was sitting in the balcony, lost in my thoughts.’
‘Huh?’
‘I was lost in thoughts from the past.’
‘What about them?’
‘I was remembering all the conversations we’ve had. Over the last eight years.’
‘Wow!’
‘Shall I tell you?’
‘Sure.’
‘Are you really sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘You won’t get upset?’
‘No, I won’t.’
‘Promise me.’
‘Have I ever been upset with you?’
‘That’s what I want to ask you.’
‘What?’
‘Sit here. Put your head in my lap.’
‘You seem to be in a different mood today.’
‘Now lie down quietly.’
‘…’
‘What’s wrong with you? I had to stop you earlier, but these days I find that you’re trying to avoid me. Why?’
‘Now don’t start that again. You’ve got a promotion today. Tell me how they congratulated you at the office.’
‘I will tell you all that later. Answer me first.’
‘No. Let it be.’
‘Don’t get up. Just stay there with your head in my lap and tell me.’
‘What?’
‘Why are you avoiding me these days?’
‘…’
‘Please.’
‘You won’t like what I have to say.’
‘I will. Tell me.’
‘Very often, you don’t like me coming close. You try to push me away.’
‘There’s a reason for it.’
‘What?’
‘I’m dead tired by the time I reach home, and want to sleep. I don’t feel like doing anything then.’
‘I’m exactly the opposite. When I’m tired to the bone, I need you badly. Often, I try to touch you, to hug you. But you brush me off. I’m tempted to force myself on you, but I could never make myself do that. I can’t see you only as someone to satisfy my lust. I would be no different from an animal then. That thought has prevented me from doing certain things.’
‘I’ve troubled you a lot, haven’t I? You’re far too good for me.’
‘Far too good, huh? Not at all! I learnt a lot of philosophy because I had no choice.’
‘Meaning?’
‘When my brother
