“I didn’t hear the words ‘apologize’ or ‘sorry’ in your long-ass speech. It was a cop-out explanation, which sounded more like an excuse. Just to be clear—you’ve hurt me, Nika. Not just physically—my balls still resent my dick for liking you—but also for shutting me down all those years ago. You being here is a solid for Val. Don’t mistake my generosity for sympathy, because I have none. I loved you, and you smashed my heart into dust. Nothing can change that. Definitely not a half-assed apology.”
He charged to his room. I chased him.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to stop him. “I never apologized for kneeing you in the balls and I never will. You fingered someone else in front of me.”
He turned around sharply, pinning me to his wall and growling in my face.
“No, I didn’t, Nika. I fucking pretended to. We did that as a joke, Maya and I. I knew you were looking and wanted you to finally snap out of your goddamn bullshit and own up to your feelings. She did me a solid.”
I felt the air leaving my lungs and my eyes widening in shock. He boxed me to the wall, his arms on each side of my head. I had nowhere to run. Not that I wanted to. For the first time since we’d met, we communicated our feelings with words and not slow grinding.
“I knew I was heading to New York the week after, and I didn’t want to leave things hanging. At that point I’d have taken anything you had to offer me. Be it a goodbye kiss or a long-distance relationship. But I wasn’t sure if you were into me. Not the way I was into you, anyway. I didn’t know if you were in love with me or with the idea of having a senior dude constantly chasing you. I wanted to make you jealous.” His eyes dropped to my mouth as he licked his own lips. “And I did. I was going to tell you the truth about Maya, if you’d have let me put a fucking word in. But no. You went for my nuts instead.”
I blinked at him in horror. “You didn’t really do it?”
If there was a stupidity contest, I wanted in. I hoped there was a cash prize. I could definitely do with a nice boost to my savings account.
Adam pushed off the wall, spinning on his heel and advancing back to his room. I tailed him. “Of course I didn’t finger her. I was half-obsessed with you.”
“What about the other half?” I asked jokingly.
“The other half knew you were going to break my heart, and damn, do I beat myself up every day for not listening to it.”
I was at his heel again, feeling like a foolish puppy, riding a dangerous high full of affirmation. There was also a sweet, dreadful ache for the time we’d lost together laced into that feeling. Before I managed to get into his room, he slammed the double doors in my face.
“Sorry, Nika,” he warned from the other side of the door. “I’m never putting myself through this again.”
“Through what?”
“Pining for you and wondering how you feel.”
“It’s been a decade. I’ve changed.”
“You greeted me with ‘I thought you were in New York’. For the record, my pathetic ass was going for a hug prior to that. We’re obviously still playing the cat and mouse thing. Spoiler alert: I’m Tom, and I’m getting hammered and injured by little cunning Jerry. No more.”
I stared at the doors, letting my head drop into my hands. He was right. He’d greeted me with a terrific smile before I’d barked at him. The truth was, I was a great communicator until it came to Adam Mackay. It felt like my pride was slipping from between my fingers whenever we were together. Like I needed to make sure he knew I wasn’t in love with him. Only I was. The entire time. Maybe I still could be… What a mess.
I heard his back sliding down one of the doors as he sat on the other side. I did the same, pressing my back against the door he leaned on. I could practically feel the heat of his body radiating through the wood. The back of his head thudded against the oak in a steady rhythm. I knew his eyes were closed, like mine.
“Fuck,” he hissed, laughing humorlessly. “I did this to pacify your brother, but one look at you, and I’m back to square one. I don’t suppose you’d be open to the idea of staying at the Chateau Marmont until you figure your living situation out? My treat.”
“Um.” I fought a slow-spreading grin, something warm and fuzzy nestling behind my ribcage. He cared. He felt. He liked me back, even after all those years. “I’ve never been to the Chateau.”
“It’s great. Designed like a brothel, but great.”
“Been to a lot of brothels, Mackay?” I quirked an eyebrow.
“Absolutely not.” There was a comedic pause. “Just a couple.”
I laughed. “What about Betsy?”
“My assistant can take care of her.”
“What about us?”
“There is no us. You made it pretty clear a decade ago. And again this week.”
Adam Mackay liked me.
No, more than that, he liked me enough to make a stupid mistake when he was a teenager in a bid to make me jealous. His plan had worked. Too well, in fact.
Now that I knew his motives, it changed everything.
Was it awful that it (mostly) made me forget all about Chris? It wasn’t that I didn’t care for my ex. I did. And I knew I would never, in a million years, cheat on him while we were together. But Chris didn’t truly love me, and if I was being honest with myself, I didn’t truly love him, either. The only reason we chose each other was because we were the safe option for one another. I knew I was never capable of
