But with the words out, I couldn’t hide any more. ‘I didn’t know it was the last time, of course. She was getting dressed to go to some function or other. I didn’t ask because I was so surprised she’d let me into her bedroom at all, never mind her dressing room. Both were strictly off-limits to every one of us. But that day was different. She was...strangely indulgent, didn’t berate me when I played dress up with the diamonds she’d expressly forbidden me from touching.’
‘How old were you?’
‘I’d turned nine a couple of days before.’ The recollection brought a small smile, my mother’s presence at my ninth birthday a wonderful phenomenon in itself that’d made my small heart burst with joy, the belief that my fractured family was on its way to becoming whole again, a sacred conviction I’d nurtured for days. A wish I’d refused to let Gideon’s condescending sneers ruin. I’d later discovered that he’d somehow known it was a foolish dream. My clever brother, perhaps the cleverest one of us, had seen what was coming, used his trademark sarcasm and icy indifference to safeguard himself against hurt. He’d known what was coming but had kept it to himself.
I hadn’t been so lucky...
Jensen’s hand wrapped around my ankle, infusing warmth into me, as if it would lessen the pain of the recounting. Nothing could. But I appreciated the gesture.
‘I was tall for my age and my mother and I were of a similar build.’ We were more than that. My mother had given birth to a near replica of herself, the only differences between us the hazel eyes inherited from the Mortimer gene and my black hair to her chestnut waves.
‘So she let you play with her stuff...’ Jensen coaxed.
‘Normally it took her hours to get ready. This time she took even longer. And I got to spend every minute with her.’ My heart stuttered and my fist tightened at the recollection. ‘I don’t even remember what we talked about. I really wish I did. I wish I’d paid better attention...’
‘The time spent was more important than the words said.’
‘Was it, though? Because she left for her party and I never saw her again.’
His fingers tightened on my skin. ‘What?’
‘She was done being a mother. She wanted to live her life. Those hours in her dressing room may have been her way of saying goodbye. Or maybe it was just a meaningless indulgence for her. Thing is, I never got the chance to find out.’
Jensen exhaled slowly, then turned to drop a kiss on my knee.
I was glad he wasn’t looking at me. I didn’t think I could bear him witnessing my pain. Not that he didn’t have a very good idea. He was far too clever for that.
‘My brothers and I found out later that it’d been their intention all along. To leave that night and never return.’
Jensen frowned. ‘Both your parents left?’
‘Yes.’ My throat was clogged with ravaging pain. ‘It became sort of a recurring theme. My cousin Damien’s parents did the same thing too.’
He cursed under his breath. ‘Who told you?’ he asked.
‘My aunt Flo knew. Hell, she probably tried to stop them because...well, that’s the kind of person she is. She didn’t succeed, obviously. So a day after spending what I thought was the start of the mother-daughter bonding I’d dreamt about, I was effectively an orphan, despite my parents still being alive.’
‘Min Gud,’ he muttered under his breath.
My fingers weaved through his hair, anchoring myself. He made a thick, pleased sound at the back of his throat, leaned into my touch.
‘Was that what drove you and your brothers apart?’ he asked after a minute.
Fresh anguish washed over me. ‘No. That was all me.’
‘How?’
‘I got it into my head that I could make things right, get my mother to come home. I begged and badgered my way into getting them to agree for us to write letters to my mother. It took a few months but I finally got them on board.’
‘Did she reply?’
I laughed again, but the sound broke apart, catching the sharp edge of my grief. ‘Oh, yes, she did.’
‘Graciela...kæreste...’
I didn’t know what the endearment meant, but I shook my head, eager to dispel the threat of tears and unlock the lump lodged in my throat. ‘I’m fine. It’s fine,’ I insisted.
His fingers drifted up my calf. ‘It’s not. You know that as well as I do.’
‘You’re supposed to agree with me.’
‘I do, for the most part. You did what you needed to try to make your family whole again.’
‘No, I pushed and control-freaked my way into making things worse.’
‘What did she say in her reply?’
That knot built in my throat again. ‘In a nutshell? That I wasn’t worth it.’
He inhaled sharply. ‘Graciela...’
I didn’t look down, didn’t want to see sympathy or pity or embrace any form of gentleness. I was too scared my lacerated heart would fracture into a million pieces if I succumbed to the promise of empathy. Did I deserve it? When I’d dragged everyone down with me into the pits of despair?
‘No one blames you for trying—’
I laughed again, my fingers tightening in his hair to stop his words. ‘Oh, believe me, they do. Gideon most definitely did. He didn’t hold back. Bryce was soft-hearted enough not to hurt my feelings with his words, but I could see in his eyes that he totally blamed me. I ruined us, Jensen. He went from being a loving and carefree younger brother to avoiding me every chance he got. I was a pariah in my own home. I’d enter a room and they’d leave. In the end I begged Aunt Flo to send me to boarding school. Then I charmed my way into mid-term breaks and school vacations with any friend who would have me because I couldn’t face going home. And it worked. I didn’t go home for
