His eyes were so bleak. All I wanted was to hold him. “My father thinks if we go, we do it because he embarrasses us.” He shook his head in obvious frustration. “It’s not true. I love my father. I just need to go.”
The pain in his voice broke my heart into a million pieces. I wished there was something I could say, but I knew there wasn’t anything that could make this decision less agonizing for Elias. I touched his shoulder, and I could feel the tension ease a little. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“There’s nothing you need to apologize for, and thank you for coming tonight. I needed you to meet them.” He sighed and looked up again. “I don’t know how any of this will go, but I have to speak my truth. I can’t—”
He choked on that word, and I moved closer. We were hidden by a hedge of trees where we were standing. I moved so I was facing him and put my arms around his waist, my head against his chest.
“I’m so tired of hiding.” His voice was strangled, and I could feel the misery rolling off him in waves as he tightened his arms around me. “But every time I get close to telling them, I feel like it will be irreversible.”
“I know,” I said lamely, not sure if anything could make this better.
We stood here for a few seconds, and when I tried to pull back he kept me there, a strong arm around me. “Stay.”
“Elias, I don’t know if we should—”
“Please,” he pleaded as he lifted my chin with his hand.
He kissed me. And as always, from the first taste I was lost.
I heard the surprised gasp first, but what made me jump back from Elias was the loud crash that followed it. We looked up and found Elias’s mother who was looking at us from a few feet away in complete horror. Her hands were suspended in the air, and there were shards of glass scattered in front of her on the ground. It looked like she’d been bringing us something to drink when she saw us.
“Mama.”
She shook her head, and her voice came out thin and strangled. “Elias, this is not how you do things. No, my son. This is not how you do things.” She stumbled forward and the crunch of the glass under her feet sounded like thunder, so loud in our horrified silence. After a moment she looked down at her feet, she seemed dazed, like she had no idea how the wreckage of glass and ice got there. After giving us a final glance, she walked back to the house.
I looked after Negash, feeling like my heart was going to crawl up my throat. I turned to Elias, who hadn’t moved or said a word since his mom came out. The way his mouth contorted, but could not make words, as if the realization of what he’d just done had robbed him of the ability to speak, made me finally start moving.
“You need to go talk to her. I’ll go home,” I said numbly.
I started walking fast toward the gate of the compound without daring to look in the direction of the house, overcome with guilt and dread that I’d brought this down on Elias. “I’m taking off, okay? I’ll go out to the main road and get a taxi. I’ll call you later.”
I heard the crunch of the glass, and suddenly I felt Elias’s hand gripping my elbow.
“Desta. Stop.” He sounded so desperate and so lost that I froze. The need in his voice kept me from running. I had to dig my fingernails into my hands in order to keep from reaching out for him.
Touching him like that out here in the open was not an option, so I moved away. He let go of my elbow, and then we started moving toward the car. “I will take you home.”
We both got in, and I had to push the heel of my hand into my chest. My heart was beating fast and my breaths were coming in short pants. I was convinced I’d ruined everything for Elias. His relationship with his parents, his departure to the States. His life. His future. I’d fucked up everything.
I opened my mouth and what came out was a croak. When I tried again, my voice sounded small and scared. “I’m so sorry.”
Elias was still silent, and he gripped the steering wheel of the car with such force I thought he was going to snap it off with his bare hands. I could see him trying hard to control his breathing, his eyes closed tightly. After a few more seconds I saw his shoulders loosen, and he opened his eyes to look at me. They were like embers, hot with whatever he was feeling.
“Never be sorry. Never be sorry for touching me or loving me.” His voice gave out then, and despite my fear that his would make everything worse, I kissed him, because I couldn’t not reach for him if he needed me.
Our mouths met in a chaste kiss and we pressed our foreheads together. “What’s going to happen now? I’m scared I’ve made everything worse by coming here.”
He shook his head forcefully. His hands interlocked at the back of my neck. “No. Don’t say that. I need to talk to them and I don’t know what will happen, but I can’t lie anymore.”
He let go and sat straight again. When I looked toward the house, his mother and father were standing by the window. “There are some things I need help with so I can go to New York. I was going to ask my parents and my sister. Now I don’t know if that will happen. I don’t know if I’ll be able to walk away from my parents and leave things like this.”
That was like
