Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why

go to school—“What is the worst thing that could happen?” Now they see the possibilities. Now we all see them everywhere! Things we never thought could happen at places of worship, at concerts, at shopping malls, at movie theaters, at schools, at schools, at offices, at places of worship, at schools, in parking lots, at places of worship—they happen, and keep happening. Perhaps it once seemed unthinkable that people would fail to take action if such things did indeed occur—but that is the glory of the present time! People are doing the unthinkable every day!

And that is not the only good news! Things we feared lost decades ago are back and thriving. The Nazi, the Confederate, and the measle are all being tenderly reintroduced to their former habitats, where they seem to be flourishing, with a little periodic encouragement from above. Pollutants are being joyfully reunited with their ancestral rivers. Even the dread wide-leg pant is now frequently sighted in the wild.

And it is not only the reintroduction of these treasures to the landscape that has so gladdened our hearts and spread out such wide and tempting vistas before us. Also to the realm of government do these great gains extend.

Before, if someone had told you that they wanted to be put in charge of a large section of the government even though they knew nothing about it and perhaps wanted to co-opt it for personal profit, you would have told them to dream a different dream. You would have told them that this simply could not happen. People would not permit it. Well, you were wrong.

And that was not all. Before, for instance, there were certain things that we could not imagine a president would say. There were certain things, for instance, that we could not imagine a president would do. There were certain people, for instance, that we could not imagine would be placed in charge of anything, let alone the government of the United States of America. But no longer!

Indeed, we have much less need of imagination than we did before. Once people could make whole careers conjuring up outlandish things that were not happening. No longer! Now—we need simply watch. Caricaturists are out of business, joining the ranks of travel agents and most (but not all) of the people who scan and bag purchases at the drugstore. We have become our own parodies, eliminating waste and redundancy. This kind of efficiency is what has allowed us to thrive at home and drop jaws abroad. We have killed off satire once and for all. It is dead. Long live reality!

Which is to say, that it is a wonderful time to be alive. Yes, wonderful! How marvelous to be stepping out of the thick mists of confusing facts and up toward the light of perfect clarity. How glorious to live in an age when things that once were fairy tales are now seen, daily, to be completely real—children sticking their slim fingers through the bars of cages, emperors with no clothes, women with their voices ripped out. Galileo would probably love to be alive now. So would Jesus, who, I believe, is scheduled to arrive shortly.

Yes, now is the best time. Nothing is off limits. Perhaps it was a brief folly to think that anything was ever off limits. Perhaps the so-called unthinkable has always been commonplace and it was only that a few lucky people did not notice. Well, we know better now. No one has any idea what the next day will bring! Time itself seems to have taken on previously unimagined dimensions! The unthinkable is happening every day! We have emerged from the close darkness of Before, shedding old scientific precautions and pushing aside all the warnings of the past, to stand bravely, to gaze unblinkingly directly into the sun!

NOTHING IS WRONG

AND HERE IS WHY

Prologue

Welcome to the New Physics!

YOU MAY EXPERIENCE some temporal discomfort.

It has been sixty years and you have barely crossed the span from Monday until Tuesday.

You entered the week comparatively young and spry and now you are a withered and wretched crone, demanding ointment, and things that you could swear happened yesterday were simultaneously three hundred years ago and never.

This is normal. This is how time works now.

Friday is both twice a week and not at all.

Each Friday lasts six years.

Tuesdays are only sometimes.

If you pause to look down at your phone in the middle of a routine activity, you will look up and see a barren, unfamiliar landscape and your hands will be covered in cobwebs. You are now three hundred years older than you were and you remember things no one else does and speak in a language that has been all but forgotten.

Do not panic. This is quite common.

Sometimes you will find yourself describing an event from the remote past and find that, in fact, it happened yesterday.

Sometimes you will find yourself describing an event from the recent past and find that, in fact, it happened never.

This mistake is common. Be sure to check your news with the news that has been Approved!

You may also notice that events happen and then unhappen. This, again, is normal. This is a sign that you are in this timeline with the rest of us.

Something may be very wise and smart and good to do and then it may never have occurred. Then all evidence of it may be buried. People may be very close to power and then they may vanish like ghosts. Things flicker in and out of existence. This is because only some of these things are being observed, although it is also possible that someone is meddling with the timeline and you should not mind it. Better, with these timelines, to leave well enough alone.

Q: Given all this confusion about time, should you be moisturizing?

A: Oh god, you should.

A: Moisturize, moisturize quickly. Absolutely you should moisturize. Oh, moisturize, without a doubt!

And do not panic. It does no one any good to