“What is the matter, tree?” the boy asked. “Are you all right?”
“No,” the tree said, and shivered. “I am not. Trees like me should be for children, not grown men. Look.” And the tree pointed, and the boy saw for the first time that there were not many trees like his still standing. “I ought to have been cut down long ago.”
“Cut down?” the boy asked, and for the first time in his life the boy was frightened. “But then what will happen to me if I do something wrong?”
The tree shrugged. “The same thing that happens to everyone else,” it said. And the tree groaned and fell.
And the boy saw that the world was not quite so wonderful when you could not shelter anywhere better than a Reasonable Doubt Shrub (which is nice, but nothing like a Privilege Tree). And the boy saw that it was not he who was wonderful, but his tree, which had protected him for so long, without his realizing it. And the boy, at last, grew up.
Some say.
August 19, 2016
Part IIITHIS FOLLOWS
YOU MAY WELL BE THINKING, “HOW PLEASANT it is to live in a world so blandly normal, so absolutely dull.” And you are right. This world holds no surprises. The voices you are about to hear are just logical, expected parts of life in the present—things that follow naturally from the established rules of our beautiful universe. There is nothing disturbing about them, because they are so routine and ordinary! These are things we have now, definitely. These are just things that we all know must happen, in accordance with the way we know the world to work. This all follows.
Also, this section comes after other sections.
Excuse Me, Director, I Have Some Questions About My Role in the Spring Play as a Crisis Actor
After the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, many students spoke out in favor of gun control—and certain very specific parts of the Internet accused them of being “crisis actors” hired for the occasion. Naturally, crisis actors would require a crisis casting.
Dear Mr. Spencer,
First, I am SO excited to be cast in the spring production this year as a crisis actor, and I look forward to giving the role my all! Since I have previously starred as Courtney (Legally Blonde), Chorus (Grease), and Factory Worker 3/Third Alternate for Madame Thénardier (Les Mis), among other roles, you know you can expect 100 percent commitment from me, even though I am only a sophomore.
As an actor this gives me what I have always craved the most: total anonymity, no attention whatsoever, and a guarantee that no one will ever learn my name. My mom is always like, “Why do I have to drive you to the theater three nights a week, and why can’t you go out for track this semester?” and I’m like, “Because NOTHING, Mom.” She’s supportive, though. I have hinted that I am making great connections. I know that you are connected globally to a large network that literally pulls all the strings of the world, so I am wondering if after this you could get me onto Broadway or at the very least Off-Broadway.
My mom has not asked about the big bag of gold bullion that I have in my room, but she wants to know if I’m really being utilized to my fullest extent, and upon reflecting on it, I have some suggestions to make about my character.
I think the role of Crying Girl with Sign is actually the heart of the production and we overlook this at our own risk. I am already off book (no big deal; I am very devoted to my craft), and I have some ideas about how to expand my part. Right now, I am instructed to cry while holding a sign, cry while not holding a sign, and then, into a microphone, say, “I’m not a crisis actor.”
I was thinking I could say into the camera, “I’m NOT a crisis actor,” and then I could wink, add, “Courtney, take your break!” and then do a split. I can do a full split. I didn’t do it in auditions but usually I can.
I could also say, “I’m not a crisis . . . I’m an actor” in a voice. I can do a number of voices: old woman, Lucille Ball, something that sounds like an old-timey newsman, and sort of a Grover-Yoda hybrid. My voice is my instrument! It is just one of the many arrows in my acting arsenal.
Another thought that came to me was that I could rap the line. “I’m not / a crisis / or a member of ISIS / I’m an ACTOR!” but obviously I’m not Lin-Manuel Miranda. (I WISH! Once he favorited a tweet that I did where I sent him a drawing of himself as a crab and it was honestly the best day of my life, not to boast.) But if you like the idea, I can write a longer verse. I am a triple threat! Not in the sense that anyone is in danger from me, just in the sense that I act, sing, and dance. Obviously no one is in danger.
Damien Tucker is going to be amazing in his lead role as Articulate Person that Part of the Internet Will Become Very Suspicious Of. If you want us to be in any scenes together I AM VERY READY. In my mind, Articulate Person that Part of the Internet Will Become Very Suspicious Of and Crying Girl with Sign have a long history together, and I can act with my face and body—or do a dream ballet!—if you do not think this merits another line. We could even KISS right before he says his line (do not tell him I suggested this).
I also want to know if you plan to do anything about the fact that Laura Jenkins never
