A few other things we are cutting:
Chemical Safety Board: Give us CHEMICAL DANGER, which sounds way more metal.
Corporation for Public Broadcasting: Instead, anyone who turns on the radio will be able to hear audio footage of a Trump son shooting a rare land mammal.
National Endowment for the Arts: The NEA will be destroyed and replaced with an armored helicopter with a shark painted on it.
National Endowment for the Humanities: The NEH will be replaced with half a fighter jet and a bunch of drones. This is the only art America needs.
U.S. Institute of Peace: Wimpy.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: We will all live outdoors in the new Hard Power America, and we will pump steel together and shout “GRRR,” and there will be no mental illness because it is only in your mind.
Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars: This is counterintuitive given Wilson’s track record of racism, which is no longer the handicap that it once was, but you must remember that he also tried to start the League of Nations, which was like the United Nations but more so.
There is a $2.6 billion line in the budget to pay for the wall until Mexico pays for the wall. I think? Sounds right. The education budget is also cut so I can’t tell if this logic makes sense.
All schoolchildren will be taught by an F-35 wearing a Make America Great Again hat. They will also have new school choice options including the choice not to afford any school at all, because at school you are taught things like grammar and pronouns and spelling and history, and these are all potentially inimical to the future we are trying to build. We will also be cutting Meals on Wheels, as well as after-school programs to feed children, because they are not improving performance as we would like. Feed children just to feed them? What are we, SOFT? No. No we are not.
AMERICA WILL BE STRONGER THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN! Anyone who survives will be a gun covered in the fur of a rare mammal, capable of fighting disease with a single muscular flex. RAW POWER! HARD RAW POWER GRRRRRR HISSS POW!
It will be great.
Author’s Note: This story was so accurate and true that the Trump White House sent it out in its 1600 Daily email of Good, True, Accurate News! This goes to show that we can all be Real News if we set our minds to it.*
March 16, 2017
* This is 100 percent not a parody. They actually did this. This is one of exactly thirty-five sincere sentences in this book! Write your best guesses about the others on a postcard and send them to Mike Pence, One Observatory Drive, and he will tell you if you were right!
Every Story I Have Read About Trump Supporters in the Past Week
Many so-called Journalists have gone to so-called Real so-called America in order to describe the thoughts and sentiments of Trump supporters as his agenda progresses across the land, ravaging everything in its path. It is important that we hear this story again and again, as many times as possible! I will tell it to you now, but better.
IN THE SHADOW of the old flag factory, Craig Slabornik sits whittling away on a rusty nail, his only hobby since the plant shut down. He is an American like millions of Americans, and he has no regrets about pulling the lever for Donald Trump in November—twice, in fact, which Craig says is just more evidence of the voter fraud plaguing the country. Craig is a contradiction, but he does not know it.
Each morning he arrives at the Blue Plate Diner and tries to make sense of it all. The regulars are already there. Lydia Borkle lives in an old shoe in the tiny town of Tempe Work Only, Arizona, where the factory has just rusted away into a pile of gears and dust. The jobs were replaced by robots, not shipped overseas, but try telling Lydia that. (I did, very slowly and patiently, I thought, but she still became quite brusque.) Her one lifeline was an Obama-era jobs training program, but she says that she does not regret her vote for Trump and likes what he says about business. She makes a point of telling me that she is not racist, but I think she probably is, a little.
Next to her sits Linda Blarnik. Like the rusty hubcaps hanging on the wall behind her, she was made in America fifty years ago, back when this town made things, a time she still remembers fondly. She says she has had just enough of the “coastal elitist media who keep showing up to write mean things about my town and my life, like that thing just now where you said I was like a hubcap, yes you, stop writing I can see over your shoulder.” Mournfully a whistle blows behind her, the whistle of a train that does not stop in this America any longer.
Linda’s sister, Carla Blarnik, is married to an undocumented immigrant yet voted for Trump, who has vowed an increase in deportations. Asked to explain this contradiction, she shrugs. “Do not tell Bert this,” she says, “but I have been trying to find an unobtrusive way to break up the marriage for years and this seemed like just the loophole I was waiting for.” Huh. Okay.
Their waiter is David Mattress, a sentient robot who will be shut down if Trump’s budget is put into practice. He loves Trump, insofar as love is possible for him. When asked, “Don’t you realize the contradiction of this position?” the other regulars leap up and shout at me because the last time this question was posed to him, David short-circuited and emitted large quantities of smoke. “First that magazine writer,” Linda scolds
