Turned out they couldn’t go into the park itself, as city engineers were running final tests on the rides, readying them to run during the Pumpkin Festival that weekend, so they headed to what they now called “their” playground.
Sable walked over to the swing and sat, the chains creaking ominously under her weight. And she shoved her hands deep into the wool-lined pockets of Rafe’s jacket. It smelled like him. All warm and clean and delicious. She drank it in deep, knowing that, depending on how this conversation went, it could be the last time she would have the chance for a long while.
Digging her nails into her palms so that she didn’t cry, when she looked up at Rafe he was standing over her, holding a tray of coffees from Bear’s. And he looked...uneasy.
“It’s freezing out here. And I’d love to get on the road soon so we can be back before dark. Maybe we should just take these home.”
Home. The Barn. Too many memories, new and old, swept over her, making her feel nauseous. “Not hungry.”
Rafe’s eyes narrowed. Then he placed the coffees on the dip at the bottom of the slide. Rubbed a knuckle over his cheek. Eyes locked onto hers. Waiting. As patient as time itself. Always giving her every second she needed to get to where she needed to be.
Why did he have to be so wonderful?
This was going to hurt like hell.
But keeping on as they had? Falling deeper and deeper? Watching him learn to love her again, while knowing he didn’t fully trust her, would only hurt the both of them more.
“I’ve been thinking,” she said, her voice cracking.
“About?”
“You know the new series I’ve been working on?”
She earned a single nod.
“Well, Nancy’s been bugging me about heading back over there, to New York. To talk about the concept with a couple of galleries who are showing interest. And while I’m there I thought I should really start looking at some places in Brooklyn.”
“Brooklyn.”
“In the street I told you about. Near the great schools.”
Rafe crossed his arms over his chest and looked out into the distance. Then he laughed. At first it was a shot of breath through flared nostrils, then it was actual laughter, then he finished with his fingers pressed into his eye sockets.
Sable nibbled on the inside of her lip and waited for him to speak.
“I guess I ought to be grateful you’re actually telling me this time.”
“Excuse me?”
“Come on, Sutton. We’re right back where we started. Is this some kind of test? Do you want me to tell you not to go? Do you want me to beg you to stay?”
His gaze flickered to her belly, where he thought she might be building a baby inside her right now. His baby. And the hope in his eyes was palpable.
She didn’t move. Not a single muscle. She was hurting so badly at the thought of having to tell him there was no baby, she couldn’t see straight.
If only she’d kept to her original plan. For it had been cool, calculated, devoid of attachment. It had put her needs front and centre. And now she was practically living with Rafe. Sharing her needs with his. Getting used to falling asleep in his arms. Falling for him all over again.
Falling? She’d fallen. Slowly at first, trying so very hard not to, and then all at once.
How could she not?
He was Rafe. Her Rafe. Once and always the absolute love of her life.
So if she cared for him that much, why was she putting him through this at all? How could she trap him into being connected to her in the most real way for the rest of their lives?
He’d not wanted this. He’d never wanted this! Yet he was doing it for her.
She was more upset about telling Rafe she wasn’t pregnant than she was about not being pregnant at all. Because deep down she knew, he’d always known, that she was the absolute love of his life too.
But if they were meant to be together, it shouldn’t be because of a baby. It should be because they wanted it. Despite any obstacles, or promises, or family influence.
This? Being together but not together. Pretending they were so sophisticated, mere friends with benefits. It was cruel and unusual treatment of someone she cared for more than anyone else in the world.
If he had changed, if he truly wanted this, he should have the chance to do it for real. To fall in love with someone he trusted implicitly, someone who had never broken his heart. To have kids when he was ready. The story of how his kids came into being one that would make them feel safe and wanted and loved.
If she truly loved him, she had to set him free. For good.
While Sable’s mind spun, Rafe swore, then pushed away from the slide. He came to her, grabbing the chains of the swing. “What do you want me to say, Sable? Do you want me to tell you I was so devastated when you left the last time that I broke three fingers when I punched that big old tree in your mother’s front yard? How I didn’t get out of bed for a week. That it took for Janie to finally get me up by asking for food when she hadn’t eaten for a day.”
Sable tried to swallow but her throat had closed up.
Rafe looked deep into her eyes. And said, “Stay. These past weeks... I didn’t expect, when I asked you to be with me, that it would be like this. I’d thought we’d be scratching an itch. That all that tension would dissipate over time and we could both move on. Instead it’s shown me what my life can be like, if I let it. That I haven’t been fully alive since the day you left.”
Sable’s soul sang, while her heart wept. If
