“My Majestic Spikiness,” he babbled, “don’t you think we should simply make the best of it and return to Mumphis? We don’t need Cairo and the rest of the world. Mumphis is a lovely little town, really, with all the shops one needs. It’s just that . . . I don’t like feeling the feeling of your feelings. If you know what I mean?”
Cainus shook with rage. It was not his own, it was the rage he was absorbing from the Unpharaoh. It turned his patchy skin purple and he shivered violently.
The Unpharaoh glared at him. Without so much as a word, she sprouted two long, hairy spikes from the base of her head. She balanced on the spike-legs gracefully for a moment, like a ballerina. Then she gave Cainus a swift kick to the head before tiptoeing through the rubble and heading outside.
Cainus rubbed his patchy head. “I take it that’s a no, then.”
The Beard Mallow rolled like a huge fluffy die and came to a stop outside the rear of the museum.
Most of the Animal Mummy army had scampered off into Cairo to cause more damage, as the Unpharaoh had ordered. The Elephant Mummies were still here though, obediently guarding the museum’s exterior.
The area was a wreck. Fires crackled, rubble lay strewn about, water gushed from a broken pipe. A few helicopters whirred overhead, wary of coming too close.
The Elephant Mummies poked the giant fluffball with their trunks.
“What is it?” asked Madge the big-boned Elephant Mummy.
“It’s a cloud, it’s fallen from above,” replied Betty with the floppy ears. “The exploding building must have broken the sky. Look! There’s another cloud coming out of the museum . . . and it’s walking.”
Madge peered at where Betty was pointing. “That’s a storm cloud, Betty. It’s so dark! I haven’t seen many storm clouds in Egypt before.”
“Especially not a walking one with red eyes and a bad attitude,” agreed Betty.
The Unpharaoh Beard tiptoed towards them on its needle-like legs at great speed. She pressed a hairy finger to her nostril and let fly a stream of fireballs. Madge and Betty leaped aside as the balls slammed into the fluffy Beard, toasting it black like a marshmallow at camp.
Inside the Beard Mallow, beads of sweat ran down Bab’s face. “Man, it’s hot in here.”
“What’s that smell?” asked the Prof.
Sniff, sniff. “Smells like sweaty human to me,” Scaler said, and pinched her pinhole nostrils shut.
“Pee-yeww, it’s burning hair!” Bab hollered. Wisps of toxic smoke began to fill the marshmallow, making him and his mum choke.
Shlop!
Unable to take the heat, Bab’s Beard Mallow shrank away and retracted onto his chin. Its occupants fell in a heap on the hot pavement.
They were just getting their bearings when the Unpharaoh Beard jumped on them.
“Oof!” Bab gasped.
“Whoofff!” spluttered Prof Sharkey.
The Unpharaoh used her prickly spike-legs to pin Bab and his mum to the ground. Bab could hardly breathe.
For a mop of hair, he thought, the Unpharaoh Beard is extremely heavy.
“Now that you have witnessed your worlds collapsing,” the queen sneered, “it is time to get rid of you. I could end you so easily, Bab and Shoshan Sharkey.”
“Don’t rush into it,” choked Bab.
“I shan’t do it at all.”
Bab wrinkled his nose. What?
“You would not suffer enough if you were destroyed by your worst enemy. No, no. I have thought of much better people to finish you both off.”
She crouched and peered into Bab’s face. Her scratchy hairs pricked his cheeks. Heat blazed from her eyes.
“You value love and friendship so dearly,” she croaked. “Let us see how you like them when they turn against you. Animal Mummies!”
The Animal Mummies snapped to attention.
“Kill Bab Sharkey and his half-brained mother!”
Scattered through the nearby streets, the Animal Mummies stopped pulling the city apart and gasped, horrified by their new order. But there was no resisting the power of the Beard. For centuries its magic hairs had commanded the animals of Egypt, and today was no exception. The mummies had no choice but to obey.
Teeth gnashing, claws extended, hearts broken, they started towards Bab and the Prof.
Without their burgermuffs, Scaler and Prong had heard the command too. Tears streamed down their faces as they slowly turned to attack their dear friend.
But the hairy queen pointed a long, spiky fingernail at them. “Hold it right there, fish and bird.”
Scaler and Prong stopped as ordered. Prong gave a little honk of relief.
“You two mummies are awfully fond of each other, aren’t you?” said the Unpharaoh. Her usual vicious croak sounded almost tender.
“Oh yes,” Prong honked, “Scaler and I are the bestest buddies in the whole of Mumphis-est!”
“Aww,” cooed the hairy head. “Such a friendship deserves special treatment, then. You are excused from killing your Pharaoh.”
Scaler and Prong beamed and bowed to the Unpharaoh. “Thank you!” they enthused. “Thank you, that’s really very nice of you!”
“Instead . . .” The Unpharaoh leaned in close to them and whispered her most dreadful command yet: “You will unwrap each other!”
“Oh, great,” Scaler moaned, helplessly turning towards her ibis friend. “As if killing Bab wasn’t gonna suck enough.”
Bab struggled to get out from beneath the heavy Unpharaoh leg-spike. “Scaler, look out,” he spluttered.
Prong had flapped into the air and was now pelting towards Scaler at full speed, her beak slashing the hot air like a samurai sword.
“I’m sorry, Scaler,” she honked. “I don’t know what I’m doing but my bird body seems determined to kill you!”
Scaler looked about in desperation. The pavement had been broken up by fireballs and rampaging mummies, leaving an exposed patch of sand. Scaler tore off her sewn-on legs, wrapped them in her fantail, and dived into the open patch. Behind her, Prong’s beak stabbed the sand like a javelin.
Like a mole underground moving at super speed, Scaler flopped and bucked, making cracks and humps in the pavement above her. Prong followed them, pecking at each one, till Scaler jumped out at her like a
