Hazel barrels in at a speed that seems like it should be impossible given that she’s wearing four-inch heels. She told me once that she likes to be eye level with her prey. I believed it then; I believe it now. The only difference is that right now I’m the prey in her sights. A laptop and a huge flip chart load down her arms and her hair brushes her jaw as she shuts my office door with her butt. Crap. It’s going to be one of those conversations.
She dumps her stuff on my desk and rolls her eyes. “Stop being so weird.”
“Is everything okay?” What I really mean is, are we okay?
Hazel flips up the lid of her laptop. “Was kissing me that bad?”
There is absolutely no good answer to that question. If I was a gentleman, I’d have acquired a very specific case of amnesia and wiped that handful of minutes from my brain. I definitely wouldn’t be sporting wood beneath my desk because, yeah, kissing Hazel was every bit that good.
Her mouth twitches. “I thought we had chemistry.”
“Uh.” Nope. I’ve still got nothing.
She punches a button and PowerPoint springs to life on her screen. God bless a well-organized piece of software. “And while I’m annoyed you sprinted out of your own house as if I had some really nasty case of the cooties, I’m willing to work with you on this.”
“What?” Hopefully my brain comes back online soon.
“You. Me.” She gestures impatiently between us. “I think we could be the answer to each other’s problem. I’ve made a deck with my plan.”
Plans are good. I’d prefer us to execute a plan of my devising, but I’m happy to listen to Hazel’s pitch. Plus, we both live and breathe slide decks, anyhow—it’s an occupational hazard. She flips the laptop around so I can see the screen and then plants her ass on my desk. Still, the title of her presentation catches me by surprise:
Hazel and Jack:
Friends with Benefits
There’s a fairly standard template for pitching. You hit the basics—company info, your concept, the problem—and then you start unpacking your proposed solution and why it’s going to be a financial winner. The first slide has company info—Hazel’s name and phone number. I already know this. I can’t quibble with slide number two, either.
The Problem:
No sex
“Yes, no sex is quite the problem.” I lean back in my chair and kick my feet up on my desk. Look at me, pretending to be all relaxed.
Hazel’s gaze drifts over my crotch. “Exactly. You’re not having it. I’m not having it. This means that we’re missing out on a number of key health benefits. Sex has been known to lower blood pressure, reduce the risk of heart attacks, improve bladder control—”
I hold a hand up. “Sex is healthy. Got it. Move on before I have an aneurysm.”
Hazel mock-glares at me and moves on to the next slide.
The Solution:
Jack and Hazel have sex!
I take a moment to make sure that no one innocently passing by in the hallway will get an eyeful of Hazel’s presentation.
“Did you put this on the company server?”
Hazel taps an impatient finger on my desk. “No. I’m horny, not stupid. Next slide.”
Market Size:
Two
She looks at the slide and then at me. “You should know that I’m not interested in sex with two guys. Or a guy and a girl. I find I have focus issues.”
“Hazel—” The pain in my dick intensifies. Why is she so goddamn direct all the time? “You need to stop saying sex.”
“I didn’t think you were this uptight.” She slaps her palms on my desk and leans forward. The problem with this is that the front of her bodysuit gapes and I can tell she’s not wearing a bra.
“I’m not uptight at all. I’m desperate.”
Very, very desperate.
“Why?”
“Because I haven’t had sex in months,” I growl. “Pretend it’s Lent, you gave up chocolate and now I’m devouring a box of Godiva in front of you, but you still have to act civilized.”
She nods decisively. “I think the potential size of the opportunity is huge. I’m up for sex one to three times a week. I say this because I know you like to plan your week. Next slide.”
The Competitive Advantage:
Hazel is easy
I can honestly say that I’ve never spent much—any—time thinking about how hard it would be to seduce Hazel. If I had, however, I’d have assumed that she’d make her date work for it. Hazel understands what she’s worth and that kind of self-confidence is sexy. I try to imagine myself dating her, taking her out for dinner and doing couple things. We’ve been friends for years. We talk. We spend time together outside of the office. But the kind of nakedness that comes with sex and emotional intimacy? Not a chance.
But whether or not I could date Hazel, one thing is certain and I say it out loud because we both really, really need to be on the same page here. “Nothing about you is easy.”
Hazel shrugs. “I’m a sure thing. You don’t have to wonder whether or not I’m going to put out at the end of the night. I also don’t require romantic dinners, compliments, presents or fancy dating scenarios, although foreplay and discretion are not optional. It would all be very simple.”
“So you just want me to show up, bang you and go? How exactly would this merger work? Because this sounds like a merger and not a start-up.”
Hazel decides to ignore me and instead clicks through to her next
