Suzanna
Without a Word
THAT NIGHT SUZANNA LAY AWAKE for hours on end, trying to make sense of the confusion in her heart. When she pictured Gregg’s quick smile, the laugh lines that crinkled the corners of his eyes, and the patient way he made time for Annie’s questions, she wanted to run downstairs, pound on his bedroom door, and beg forgiveness. But behind each of those thoughts came other ones. Memories of Bobby. For all those years, she’d held onto his love and carried it with her like one half of a broken coin, always waiting, always hoping, always searching for the other half. Now Bobby was here, asking to put the pieces back together again, make them whole, turn them into a family. Whatever the cost, she couldn’t deny him that chance.
Shortly before the first rays of light seeped into the sky, Suzanna decided she would go to Gregg and explain that Annie’s daddy was back. She would give no names and say only that he was asking her forgiveness. If Gregg loved her the way Bobby had loved her for all those years, he would understand and be willing to wait. If he refused, then that was proof positive Bobby’s love was greater.
It was after ten when Suzanna woke and came downstairs. She expected to see Gregg in the living room with the Sunday paper scattered about or sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a second or third cup of coffee and chatting with Ida. The living room was empty, and Ida was the only one in the kitchen.
Trying not to make her search for Gregg obvious, she asked, “Where is everyone?”
“Annie took Scout for a walk, and Gregg left early this morning.”
“Left to go where?”
Ida looked up with a puzzled expression. “His brother’s place. Didn’t he tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“He left a note to say he’d be staying with Phil for a few weeks. Apparently they’re working on some kind of a project.” Ida furrowed her brow. “I’m surprised you didn’t know.”
Suzanna felt as though a sharp knife had just pierced her heart, but she tried to pretend otherwise.
“Oh, right,” she said as if it were something that had simply slipped her mind, “I’d forgotten about that.”
“The two of you didn’t talk about it last night?”
“Um, I believe he mentioned it, but it was late and I was tired.” Suzanna’s stomach was churning, but anxious to change the subject she said, “I’m starving. Did you make pancakes this morning?”
“Starving? Didn’t you and Gregg have dinner last night?” Ida still had that quizzical look tacked to her face.
“Sort of. It was late, so he ordered an antipasto for us to share.” She said nothing about how the antipasto had gone untouched.
Suzanna poured herself a cup of coffee and sat across from Ida. She’d thought this morning she’d find Gregg still angry or perhaps refusing to grant her time to straighten things out, but she never dreamed he’d leave without saying goodbye.
Walking away solved nothing; she’d learned that the hard way. It was what she’d done with Bobby, and look at how that had turned out. Eight years wasted. Eight years of heartache and loneliness because she walked away without looking back.
She had a million personality flaws and stubbornness was definitely one of them, but Gregg wasn’t like her. He was logical, patient, tolerant even. He was more likely to listen to reason than make snap decisions the way she did. It made no sense that he’d leave without saying something…unless maybe he’d left another note just for her, and she’d somehow overlooked it.
Leaving her coffee on the table, Suzanna hurried up the stairs and began searching for what she believed could be the lost note. She checked beneath the door, on the hall table, under the bed, and when she found nothing, she lifted and shook the scatter rug that was halfway across the room. Still nothing. No note and no trace of one ever being there.
After exhausting the search, she sat on the side of the bed, shoulders slumped and face buried in her hands. She could almost see Gregg settled in the club chair at his brother’s house, chatting with Ginger, a bitter smile tugging at his mouth as he claimed their relationship had been a mistake from the very start.
“I’d expected so much more from her,” he’d say, and Ginger would most likely nod in agreement.
For a while Suzanna thought of telephoning him to suggest they talk things through rather than end it this way, but when she tried to pinpoint exactly what it was they could talk through she had nothing. The situation was what it was. Yes, she loved Gregg, but that wasn’t enough. Bobby deserved a chance. He was Annie’s daddy, and nothing would ever change that.
For two days Suzanna went about life as if she were on auto-pilot. She went to work, helped Ida with the dinner dishes, and listened to Annie’s prayers as she tucked her into bed, but her thoughts were always elsewhere. She tried to imagine what she would say to Bobby when they met at the Ellington. Although it was proving impossible to forget Gregg, she’d decided that Bobby was her future. He knew her secrets and loved her anyway; he was in love with the real Suzanna Duff. Gregg had been in love with the fantasy of Darla Jean Parker.
Darla Jean was just that: a fantasy. If she were honest with herself, Suzanna would have to admit she’d known all along it couldn’t last. Sure, she’d hoped it would, but there’s a world of difference in what you’re hoping for and what you can actually hold in your hand. Her daddy had taught her that. Her destiny was decided the first time she let Bobby make love to her. Now it was time for her to give up the fantasy, go to Atlanta, and settle into a
