Matt cleared his throat, as if to swallow a large lump. “Anna, I’m the one who should be sorry. I should’ve told you about Tamara long ago, the history and the current situation. I thought I could handle the problem without it getting out of hand.”
“What problem?”
“That day in the park when I shared my history, I wanted to tell you about Tamara, but you made it too easy for me. You said that you forgave my past and didn’t need to know more. At the time, that suited me fine.” His iridescent blue eyes darkened with a troubled look.
“But, Anna, it’s not fine, and I need to tell you.”
She nodded, resisting the urge to look away. There was something about his intensity that made it important to face this head on.
“I’m not proud of the fact that in the past I used Tamara for the physical. More accurately, you could say we used each other. Now with my biblical understanding of how precious the gift of marriage and physical union is, I wish I could go back and change that decision, but I can’t.”
Anna felt a twist in her gut. The thought of them together made the green goblin of envy bubble and stew.
Anna dared not waste the opportunity. She didn’t want unanswered questions causing suspicion and mistrust any longer. “Then, back to the same question I asked you before—how far back is the past to you? And why are you currently seeing Tamara?”
Matt slumped back in his chair and shifted his eyes away. “This is where it gets complicated.”
Anna’s heart dropped to the basement of her soul. She took a long pull of air into her lungs and breathed out slowly. It took all she had to remain calm and collected in order to encourage the truth. “Go on.”
Matt fidgeted in his chair. “We’d better order first.” He waived the waiter over.
They made their selections, and Anna smiled after the waiter left. “One last moment of reprieve seems to be just what the doctor ordered.”
“Yes, I needed that.” Matt smiled a watery smile. “Another moment to figure out how to tell you something I’m not proud of.”
Anna blinked twice in an effort to hold back the sting of tears just below the surface.
“Anna, I truly fell in love with you that first night we were together. In my past, I’d been with Tamara and other women, and yet I’d never felt any of what you stirred in my heart, my soul—” His voice cracked, and she could see him swallow hard.
She reached across the table to momentarily squeeze his hand.
“Man, this is difficult.” He exhaled deeply and raked both his hands through his hair. “After our first night together, and then the fact you wouldn’t see me, I truly thought our relationship was over before it began. Tamara came knocking, and I weakened. That night, I felt the shame and the weight of my sinfulness like never before. You know the part of every person that nags at them—that knowledge of right from wrong before they’re even a Christian?”
Anna nodded.
“Well, that ate me up inside. My conscience demanded an answer. How could I love you and yet be with someone else? The hypocrisy disgusted me.
“I remember getting up from the bed and immediately taking a hot shower, as if to wash off the guilt, which didn’t work. Then, I asked Tamara to leave and told her we could remain friends, but the physical was done.
“She interrupted and smirked, confident enough to declare that we were a forever thing and I would never get her out of my blood. I admitted that I already had and that I’d fallen in love—real love—for the first time in my life. I apologized for our evening and admitted that sex without love pales in comparison, which really irritated her. Then I told her there would never be a repeat. And there hasn’t been, Anna. I swear I haven’t been with her since. But—”
Anna held his gaze. “But what?”
“But I should’ve paid more attention to her obsessive behavior. She was livid. Told me she hadn’t waited all these years just to let me go and pointed out how I loved someone else but spent the night with her. Then she said to go ahead and dabble with love until I got bored and in the meantime, she’d be quite willing to share.”
Anna gasped, “That’s what she said to me both times—at our engagement party and when she recently called.”
Matt turned white. “She talked to you about this at our engagement party?”
“Yes, but I asked you point-blank about your relationship with her, and you told me there was nothing current. I believed you. I didn’t feel I had to go into the sordid details of her tirade, nor dig into your past.”
“Anna, I’m so sorry. That last night I spent with her haunted me. The fact I could clearly love you and yet appease the physical made me realize the depth of my human darkness.
“Once I became a believer, I told Tamara I was a Christian. She laughed at me and kept sending me texts asking me if I was bored to death with my church mouse yet. She clearly didn’t believe a word I said. And although she kept trying, I never looked back, Anna, no matter what lies she told you.”
He reached forward and took both her hands in his. “I know I’m forgiven by God, but I have to ask … Anna, will you forgive me?”
Anna squeezed his hands tight before relaxing back into her chair. “Of course, I forgive you, Matt. I was the one who confused the situation, and you weren’t even a Christian at the time. However, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like that
