“You need to cut the shit, Jude. You love her. We all could see it. Man up and go get your girl back.”
I close my eyes and drag a hand down my face. “I know. I know it’s not her fault, but…but…” I’m so damn tangled up inside. And I miss her. I fucking miss her.
All day every day, my love for her clashes with my grief, my regret, my anger. And I just don’t know how to cope with all these conflicting emotions.
So for now, I just want to go to my brother’s house and hide.
48
Iris
I agreed to meet up with my mom for coffee at Jittery Joe’s. It’s time we make amends. It’s been too long since we’ve talked and, frankly, I miss her, despite the fact that I’m still so mad.
But she won’t worm her way into my good graces without giving me the answers I’m looking for. I deserve to know the truth about my father. I’ve gotten a handful of anecdotes from my sisters here and there but the girls insist that I should hear my mom’s side of the story, too.
“How are you doing, kid?” Mom reaches across the table to squeeze my shoulder. She looks tired, nervous.
I’m so damn tempted to give her some catty comment. But what would that accomplish? She’s still my mother and I still love her. She was there for me when Kirk left and now as I’m struggling to hold the pieces of my shattered heart together once more, I could use her support again. “I’ve been better.” I wrap my fingers around my teacup. Chamomile. Jude’s favorite.
A long moment passes. A soft jazz tune plays low in the background as patrons chat and laugh around us. She observes me in that way that mothers examine their children. I’m heartbroken and conflicted and I’m sure she can read it all with one glance at my face.
Mom hesitates. “Can I tell you about Grant now?”
I shrug, steeling myself to hear it. Honestly, I’m not sure that I’m ready but I’m tired of being in the dark.
“I know the timing is shit, but I think you need to know what happened.”
“Okay,” I agree, nodding and shifting so I can meet her sad gaze.
“I should have told you years ago, Baby, but it started with a small lie to other people, and grew and grew until I almost believed it myself.” A regretful look passes across her face, and I listen as she continues. “I barely knew your father. I met him at a bar one night when he was in town for work. When I got pregnant suddenly, I had some soul searching to do. I wanted to keep my baby, but Grant had vanished. I was young, I was scared but there was no way I could give you up.” She gets a distant look as she stares at her coffee cup. “When I was about six months along, I found him again. That’s when he told me he was married. To Faith and Grace’s mother, I guess. No one was going to tie that man down, not even his own wife. He left us, and I was so embarrassed that I began lying to anyone who asked. I told everyone that I didn’t know who your father was. Stupid. I know,” she scoffs. “But you were the most precious little angel and I couldn’t stomach the thought that the bastard had willingly left you, abandoned you. I guess when you got older and began asking about him, it was just so easy to go with the story I’d told everyone else. I lived that lie for so many years, and it became something I didn’t know how to undo.”
When she finishes, we both fall quiet.
I silently merge these new puzzle pieces with the fragments Faith, Lily and Grace have given me in the weeks since we met. In my mind’s eye, I try to paint a portrait of the father I’ve never known.
I sit still, absorbing the fact that the man is eerily similar to all the jerks in my life. Talk about daddy issues, right?
Knowing now what she went through, I realize that my mom is one badass woman. She was able to stand on her feet even without the support of a man.
I want that. I want to be a badass, too. Right after the persistent pain in my chest subsides.
“I’m so sorry, Iris. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.” Mom’s voice shakes. “You’re better off not knowing him, baby girl. Grant is nothing but a lying dirtbag.”
I bury my face in my hands. Why does every single aspect of my life have to be so damn complicated? It’s like I’m cursed.
Resignation takes over. “Thank you, Mom. I know this must have been hard for you to talk about. So…thank you.”
“If you ever have any questions about him, just ask. I’ll answer if I can.” She stretches her hand across the table.
Slowly, I take it. She’s made her mistakes but I still love her. She’s my mother and you only get one of those.
“How are things with Jude?” she asks softly. “I heard about the bar fight. It’s been all over the internet, all over town. The things people are saying…” She shakes her head.
Oh, I’ve heard the things people have been saying. Things about me. My stomach flips with nausea.
And the reminder of the man I love has me aching instantly. “It’s over,” I say flatly. “He won’t speak to me. We’re done.”
She immediately shifts into shamelessly biased, protective momma mode. “Well, if he can’t see what a wonderful, smart, gorgeous human being you are, you’re better off without that shithead,” she says heatedly. “Don’t you take crap from any man, Iris. Don’t be scared to tell his ass to get lost. No matter how charming he is.”
I laugh weakly. “Of course you’d say that.” I’m pretty sure those are the same exact words she said when I told her Kirk packed all
