I make my way around the perimeter of the place. I’m not trying to avoid Hudson anymore—in fact, I don’t care if he sees me, but the bar is so crowded, I couldn’t even make my way over there if I tried.
“Alice,” Juliet whispers somewhere behind me. “Alice!”
When I turn around, I see that Juliet is staring at something to her right. My eyes follow her gaze. Then I see them.
Hudson and the woman are laughing and they’re so close to each other, their faces are almost touching. A moment later, she leans over and kisses him on the lips.
Everything suddenly feels like it’s happening in third person. Not to me, but to someone who looks a lot like me on the screen. I’m suddenly outside without my coat. The chill of January hits me like a pile of bricks. I look around. I have to find a cab. I have to text Uber. My mind wanders in circles. I can’t make a decision. All I’m decided about is that I can’t go back in for my coat.
“Alice! Alice, wait up!” Juliet runs out after me. She hands me my coat.
“He pulled away from her. He stopped her,” she says.
“What?” I ask, wrapping the scarf around my neck. I don’t understand a word of what she’s saying.
“She kissed him and he stopped her. He pulled right away. You just didn’t see it,” she says.
I pull my coat shut—the zipper is too complicated to operate at this moment.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask.
Juliet shrugs. “Well, yes, actually,” she says.
I guess. I guess that’s something. Except that it doesn’t really feel like a victory. I feel like I lost a long time ago. It feels like it’s all a little too late.
Juliet and I take a cab home in silence. She tries to talk to me, but I cut her off. I can’t. Talking just makes my thoughts cloudier and incomprehensible. Finally, we walk into our room. I climb into bed and hide under the covers. I just want the whole world to disappear. I’m still awake when I hear Hudson come back. I look at the time. It’s about half an hour later. I want to talk to him, but I don’t have the energy. When he peeks into my room, I pretend to be asleep.
14
The following day, I have another speech in Public Speaking class. I was planning on getting up early and practicing it before class, but I end up sleeping until lunch. I want to stay in bed all day, but I can’t skip it; it’s a huge portion of my grade. When my hands start to shake looking down at the paper with my script, I go to the kitchen and force myself to down two beers. They taste disgusting first thing in the morning. This worked last time. It has to work this time.
Walking over to class, I hope that I don’t run into Hudson. He has class in this area and I just can’t see him now. Not before I get this speech over with. When Professor Milner asks for volunteers, I raise my hand.
Walking to the front of the class, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Not because of my nerves, but the alcohol. I take a deep breath. You can do this, I say to myself. Thirty sets of bored eyes look up at the podium. They don’t care what you have to say. Don’t think. Just start talking. I unfold my speech. This speech is about gratefulness. We’re supposed to thank someone for helping us do something important.
“Thank you for having me,” I start. “I want to take a moment to thank my mother and father for…”
I stare at the paper. The words are there in black and white. All I have to do is say them out loud, but for some reason, I can’t. They don’t make any sense. I have an overwhelming urge to thank someone else.
“No, actually, I don’t want to thank my mother and father. I’d like to take this time to thank my boyfriend, Hudson. Thank you, Hudson, for never being there for me. Thank you for wasting two years of my life in high school and then breaking up with me a couple of weeks before college. Thank you for ‘accidentally’ becoming my roommate and confusing me with all of your crap last semester and tricking me into thinking that you’ve changed. Most of all, thank you for this semester. Thank you for promising to help me with my speeches and leaving me high and dry. Thank you for pretending that you have a lot of important work to do when in reality you’re just hanging out with that girl that looks a lot like Kate Middleton, from your office. Of course, thank you for mentioning how hot she actually is before I show up at the bar to spy on you. That was really the cherry on top. That made me feel a lot better watching you two make out. Most of all, thank you for doing all of that now before I wasted even more of my life on you. You fucking asshole!”
Shit. What did I just say?
I look up at the class. Thirty pairs of hands start to clap and cheer. Oh my God! I nod, hang my head, and make my way back to my chair.
At least I didn’t freeze. No, the words just came out. I couldn’t make them stop. I definitely shouldn’t have cursed.
After class ends, I try to make my way outside, past the professor, without him noticing. No such luck.
“Alice Summers. May I talk to you, please?” he asks.
“I really have to go,” I say.
“It will just take a moment.”
I take a deep breath and turn to face him.
“I’m assuming that was not the speech that you had prepared earlier,” he says. I nod. “And I’m assuming that you know that it’s illegal to
