“I’m not drunk.”
“Intoxicated, then. Either way, you can get expelled for this.”
“Expelled?”
My head starts to buzz. My eyes come in and out of focus. Oh my God. What did I just do?
“I’m so sorry, Professor Milner. It will never happen again. I was just having a really bad night.”
“Yes, I know that,” he says with a little smile. “I heard all about it in your speech.”
He’s mocking me. I shake my head. Look down at the floor. I don’t know what to do.
“I’m going to have to fail you on this assignment,” he says.
I’m going to get kicked out of school. What am I going to do?
“But,” he says, giving me hope. I look up at him. “I won’t report this incident to the Dean of Students if you promise to go see an alcohol and drug abuse counselor.”
“But I don’t have an alcohol problem. I hardly ever drink,” I say.
“You’re drunk in my classroom. That’s enough for me to know that something is wrong.”
“Okay,” I say, dropping my shoulders.
“You have to see this counselor every week for the rest of the semester. Starting this week,” he says. “If you miss a meeting, I’ll have no choice but to report your behavior to the Dean of Students.”
“The rest of the semester?”
Professor Milner ignores me. He writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to me.
“The counselor’s name is Dr. Greyson. She’s very nice. Here’s her office number. I’ll let her know to expect your call.”
The buzz from the alcohol starts to wear off by the time I get home. Instead, it’s replaced with a blistering headache. As if the day wasn’t completely shitty already, it also starts to rain and I get completely soaked walking back to the dorm.
I put on a fresh pot of coffee as soon as I get in. After I change out of my wet clothes, I go back out to the kitchen and see Hudson pouring himself a cup.
“That’s my coffee,” I say.
“I think there’s enough for two,” he says with a smile.
“I don’t care. I’m going to drink two cups myself. You have to make your own.”
“Okay, jeez, what’s wrong with you?” he says, pushing the cup toward me.
I shake my head. The Advil hasn’t kicked in yet. It hurts to talk.
“I saw you,” I say after I finish one cup of coffee and start on another.
He stares at me as if he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
“Yesterday, at The Martini.”
“What…what were you doing there?” he asks.
I look him straight in the eyes. They twinkle in the light. Look as beautiful as always. I hate them now.
“I was talking to Juliet about how I don’t see you anymore and she suggested that we go spy on you,” I say. “Who is she?”
“Nobody.” He shrugs.
“Didn’t look like nobody. You two looked really cozy together.”
“Alice, she’s nobody. Just Kathryn. I told you about her. She works with me.”
“I thought you all go there together? As a group.”
“Well, yesterday everyone suddenly cancelled,” he says.
“How convenient,” I say sarcastically.
“Listen, nothing happened,” Hudson says. He puts his arm on my shoulder. I shrug him off.
“Don’t touch me,” I say. “How can you say nothing happened. You two were laughing the whole time. She put her hand on your leg. Then you kissed. I saw you.”
He shakes his head.
“I pushed her away. Immediately. I don’t like her that way. I love you.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” I say.
“I know that she likes me, but she’s my colleague. I want to be nice. She also knows about you.”
I shake my head. This conversation isn’t really going as I had planned.
“I just hate being this way with you, Hudson. I hate that you’re gone all the time and now I’m becoming some sort of jealous, crazy girlfriend. This isn’t who I am.”
“I know.” He nods. “I know that I work too long and I should not go out with everyone so much. There’s this whole party atmosphere there. It’s hard to explain.”
I shrug. I understand, but I don’t really hear an apology. At least, not one that I believe. Just a lot of excuses.
15
Neither of us says anything for a while. I want to tell him that I don’t know how to deal with this. I know he wasn’t cheating— I don’t think he would, no matter what Juliet says. Even though the flirting and the interrupted kiss is as far as it will go, I still feel shitty about this. The main thing I want to tell him is to just stop. Take a break. Have a little fun. I feel like we’re some sort of old married couple that are like two ships passing in the night due to their hectic work schedules. Mainly his schedule, actually. I don’t say any of these things. Instead, I sit across from him and pout.
“I’m sorry, Alice,” Hudson finally says. He takes my hands in his. He stares at me—I feel his gaze burning a hole in my face—until I look up. I see my reflection in his eyes. I also see someone who is at a loss as to what to do. The despondent look in his eyes frightens me.
“I don’t know, Hudson.” I shrug. “You really hurt me, you know? I just felt like a total idiot sitting there, watching you flirt with Kathryn.”
“I wasn’t flirting. We were just laughing over what someone said back in the office.”
“It looked like flirting,” I say. “And then when you kissed…”
Shivers run up my spine. I can’t even handle saying the word.
“We didn’t kiss, Alice. She kissed me. I didn’t see it coming. When it happened, I pulled away right away and I told her that I have a girlfriend and it’s going to stay that way. That I love you.”
“I guess,” I say, sighing.
“But I understand how you feel.” He finally says something I want to hear. Something I’m yearning to hear. “I understand that it was awful for you. Just as it
