My body rises and falls with each kiss. Slowly, I pull off my shirt and take off his. He unbuckles his pants. I drop my bra to the floor. He wiggles out of his pants. Helps me out of mine.
“I’ve missed this, Alice,” he says in my ear.
I love the way he says my name. I’ve missed this, too. Lying naked next to him with our bodies intertwined, I feel at home. Like I’ve never belonged with anyone else. His breath matches mine. Our hearts beating at the same pace.
He climbs on top of me, draping me with his whole body. I’m in a cocoon. I’m safe. I grab onto his shoulders for leverage. His muscles are hard and strong, but the skin is as soft as silk. We move in unison. We moan in unison. When it comes, I look into his eyes and see stars.
“Well, that was good,” Hudson says, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and snuggling next to me. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you,” I whisper.
When we were together, we started a quirky tradition of thanking each other after sex, if we were both left satisfied. I’d completely forgotten about it until he said those words. They make me smile. We lie in bed for sometime as darkness starts to fall. It’s not even 5 p.m., but twilight comes quickly, especially on rainy and cloudy days. I know that Juliet will be getting back soon, so I start to get dressed.
“I’ve missed you, Alice,” Hudson says, propping up his head with his hand.
“I’ve missed you, too,” I say, tossing him his underwear and jeans. “Juliet will be home soon.”
When we are both dressed, I remake the bed.
“I want you back, Alice,” Hudson says.
I’ve been wanting to hear those words a long time. Since the summer. Now that I’m actually hearing them, I don’t feel the way I had thought I would. Making love was wonderful, but I don’t want him back. We shared a good moment, but maybe that is all it’s supposed to be.
“No, I can’t Hudson.” I turn to him.
This is not what he had expected to hear. I see the fire and hope in his eyes disappear. Disappointment sets in.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“Hudson, this was nice. Really nice.”
“Nice? Are you crazy? This was amazing.”
“Okay, yes, it was.” I give him that. “But I don’t think it’s right for us to get back together. Not now.”
“Not now?” he asks. I see that I’ve given him hope. That’s not what I meant to do.
“Not ever,” I say definitively.
“Why?” Hudson asks. He puts his arms around me, but I push him away.
I don’t know why. It doesn’t feel right. I try to figure out why.
“You’re in a tough spot now, Hudson. I get it. I’ll be there for you as a friend. A really, really good friend. But you just want to get together because you’re lonely or anxious about the future. You don’t have to be, I’m here for you, but I can’t be your girlfriend again just because you’re going through a tough time.”
Disappointed, he walks away but stops at the door.
“I don’t want to be with you because of the money. It has nothing to do with that. You asked me why I came to the cabin. It was because I was worried about you with Simon, but that wasn’t all of it. I didn’t come up because Tea and I broke up. I came to see you because I missed you and I want you back. I made a mistake, Alice.”
I nod. Take a breath. I don’t go to him.
“Alice, I was a real jerk. I shouldn’t have ever broken up with you. There was nothing wrong with us. I just did it because I didn’t think that we should be so serious in college. I thought we were too happy. Like it couldn’t possibly last because we were too happy. I was so stupid, Alice. Childish. I wanted to date other people. When it came right to it, I couldn’t. Not really.”
“Thank you,” I say after a while. “I understand now.”
I am grateful for the explanation. I didn’t know it, but I’ve waited for the truth about why we broke up for a long time. Now, it is out there. I have closure.
He’s waiting for me to come to him. To forgive him and say that I love him and that everything’s going to be okay. His arms are to his sides. He’s shown me all of his cards. I know that he’s telling the truth, but something’s holding me back.
“I love you, Alice,” he says. It’s his last attempt.
“I love you, too,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry. But I just can’t.”
Tears cloud my eyes. A large one breaks free and rolls down my cheek. My throat aches from sorrow.
4
It’s finals week. Where did the time go? Halloween and Thanksgiving were a blur. I went home for Thanksgiving, but I hardly remember any of it. Thankfully, my finals are spread out and aren’t stacked up like Dylan’s and Hudson’s. I don’t have any double final days and have at least a day to study for the next one. It could be worse, of course, but it could also be better. I look at Juliet. She’s practicing breathing for her breathing class. I wish I had a breathing test instead of three final papers.
I
