Does my son’s heart beat in your chest?
Of course she would never ask such a thing of the little boy, she couldn’t even come up with a way to approach the subject with David. No, it was best if she just treated this child as the adorable little boy that he was instead of asking herself all of these what if questions.
“You two look like you’ve had fun,” she said to Jack and Davey.
“This is Pepper, Daddy, he knows a lot of tricks,” Davey said as they all headed back into the stable. “Mr. Jack says it was his son’s dog, but his son isn’t here anymore because he died and went to heaven.”
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” David said as he looked over to her and Jack. He rubbed his hand behind his neck and Sarah could see he was worried about her and Jack’s feelings with what could be an awkward conversation.
Bending down she petted Pepper. Kolton had gotten the black lab while the two of them had still been in college. Though now more gray than black, the dog was still up for a game of fetch when she had the time.
“I’m sure Kolton would be happy to know a little boy like you was playing with Pepper,” she said to Davey then gave the dog a last scratch behind its ear.
“That’s what Mr. Jack said,” Davey said as he took up the petting of the dog.
“Davey, would you like to help me put some of this tack up?” She held out her arms and showed him the equipment she was carrying. “Jack, can you show David what to do with that saddle?”
As they put away Fancy’s equipment, Sarah listened to the little boy talk about the time he had spent with “Mr. Jack.” It was plain to see that Davey was enjoying the time he had spent on the farm and she was reminded of all those dreams she and Kolton had for their own son when they’d watched him running around the grounds of the farm. They’d planned to fill their house with children and had looked forward to sharing their love of horses with them. But those dreams had ended in just one second by a driver trying to make it through a yellow light. There wouldn’t be children filling her home or running around the farm now. That dream had died with her family. There would be no more children for Sarah. Even if she met a man she wanted to have a relationship with it would never be the same as she had with Kolton. And she would never risk having children again. She wouldn’t be able to live with the knowledge that she could lose them at any second. She wasn’t even sure what Jack would do with the farm once he was too old to keep it up.
“And then Mr. Jack showed me all the trophies his son had won in the rodeo and he said some of them were yours, too,” Davey said as he turned toward her. Sarah blinked. She hadn’t thought about those old trophies in years.
“What is that?” David asked as he and Jack joined them again. “You’ve won trophies?”
“She was a champion barrel racer,” Jack said, smiling over at her with pride. “You’ve never seen anything like the way she could get her horse to respond to her.”
“Really? I had no idea you had so many hidden talents,” David teased as he looked back over to her.
“It was many years ago.” Heat flooded her face, “I haven’t raced since I finished college.”
Her days of racing were long gone but after Kolton and Cody’s death, she had discovered the only place she felt like she was in control was on the back of her horse, far away from people where she could cry and scream and not have to worry about what other people thought of her.
By the time David and Davey had left the farm, Sarah was ready for a good long ride. The tension of being around the little boy and the pain and joy that it brought to see him enjoying himself around the horses had confused her. The thought of all her son would miss made her heart raw with emotion. But Davey’s laughter was like a bandage to her soul.
When she and Sugar made it to the back pasture, she let the horse run. It wasn’t until they topped the hill that she realized where she had come. Looking down across the field she saw the large white stone and mortar house with its covered windows and locked doors. Hers and Kolton’s forever house where they had planned to raise Cody and later his brothers and sisters. Only now her forever family was gone and her dream home was as empty and lonely as she was herself.
She dismounted the horse and sat down on the green grass. There should have been good memories there, memories of all the firsts they had experienced: Cody’s first words, first steps and the first night she and Kolton had spent the night making love in that big king size bed that he had insisted they buy. Had she let the pain of their loss steal all the good memories away from her?
The field was full of the new growth of spring. The flowers around the front entrance that she had planted with Kolton would be starting to peak their heads out of their winter beds by now. Soon there would be scarlet sage and hummingbird mint filling the garden. They’d picked the white stone of the house so that the flowers would be showcased against the stark color. They’d spent hours planning everything in the house. It was the only one they’d ever planned to build and they hadn’t wanted to have any regrets.
But now she did have regrets. Her life was full of them and she instinctively knew that if she didn’t share with David her suspicions as far as her
