It’s Kass, and I actually find myself groaning a little, scrubbing a hand down my face.
Not now, Kass.
Kass: You up?
I debate for a good three minutes whether or not to text her back. Between the week I covered for Zhao and getting back on track with my normal schedule during Ryker’s shitstorm of a mess, I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to, didn’t need to when I had the only girl I wanted.
The girl I’m about to lose.
End of the day, though, Kass and I are still friends regardless of the benefits, and I have enough crap to feel shitty about for me not to humor her and spare her a reply. None of this is her fault.
Me: I am. What’s up?
Kass: I bored af lol.
Kass: **I’m
Me: It’s midnight lol go to sleep.
Kass: I can’t.
Me: Why?
Kass: I’m drunk nd superrrrrrhorny.
My face scrunches up in slight disgust. It’s not Kass—I just can’t do it. I’m not remotely in the mood. If anything, I’m the one who needs to go to sleep. Although, I’m not sure I’m not going to be getting much of that if I’m being honest. I’m so used to staying up until about one or two talking to Benni.
My little jailbird.
My Birdy girl.
Mi bebé.
“Fuck,” I hiss, dropping my head between my shoulders, the phone almost slipping from my grip as I cycle through another wave of what I can only describe as the beginnings of grief.
This blows. This blows so fucking hard it’s not even funny. But it is what it is. It has to be done. It’s either this or me quitting, and I can’t do that, not after being questioned the way I was. It’ll look sus, and I don’t need them trying to come after me at some point down the line. I’m not worried that shit wouldn’t check out. I am innocent in that respect, after all, but it’s an unnecessary ordeal I’d like to avoid altogether. I’m just gonna have to stick it out and hope for the best.
Another text has me flipping over the phone to find a gif from Kass. It’s Mr. Bean waggling his eyebrows as he slides off frame. Chuckling quietly, I type out a quick response.
Me: Lolll. I hate to break it to you, but you’re gonna have to handle yourself tonight, pretty girl. I’m beat. Heading to bed. GN.
Setting the phone to charge on my nightstand, I practically rip off the buttons of my uniform shirt and shrug it off before balling it up and free-throwing over my shoulder into the hamper by the dresser. Well, almost. It misses by an inch. I don’t even bother taking off my pants, sliding beneath the navy comforter and shutting off the light just as another text from Kass comes in.
Kass: BOo, you suck. Fine, go to sleep. I’ll schedule my duck appt w you tomorrow.
Kass: **dick
That one actually makes me laugh out loud, so much that I send her a little duck emoji back. She replies with an eye roll and: Shup up, you know what I meant.
Kass: **Shut
Kass: Fuck I can’t tYpe.
Me: ‘Cause you’re drunk lol. Go to sleep, Drunky McSkunky.
I try to do the same shortly after that, but as predicted, sleep evades me for most of the night, leaving me to toss and turn before dozing off for half an hour, and then doing it all over again. The memories aren’t what plague me most, but what my note is going to do to her when she reads it. By the time 4 a.m. rolls around, my alarm blaring loud and proud, I think I’ve slept a grand total of two hours, maybe three.
How I’m going to get through the day in this state, I’m not sure, but I can’t avoid it. It’s time to get this over with and do the right thing. I just wish I didn’t have to break her heart in the process.
That almost-ex of hers, whoever he is, hurt her enough as it is.
You got this.
You can do this.
It’s for the best.
I must’ve repeated those words to myself dozens of times since I dragged my ass out of bed. I psyched myself up all throughout my shower, while I was getting ready, and the entire drive to the Annex. I told myself Pops would agree this is what needed to be done if he knew what the situation was. But even with that knowledge in mind and the tiny balled up note burning a hole through my damn pocket, I’m stalling, have been tucked away in the box since I clocked in, and I haven’t dared to step foot out into the block once. I’ll have to eventually, I know, but I’m fucking dreading it.
I don’t want to break her heart.
The worst part is she’s off today too. I can see her from here at her usual table, playing dominoes with her friends. She’s been searching for me like a hawk, eyes shooting to the gate every time the buzzer sounds with someone going in or out. I don’t even think she knows I’m here. By the time she came out of her cell dressed and ready for the day, I was already in the safety of the bubble, watching her go through the same procedures she does day in and day out as if I weren’t about to ruin everything.
“You’re quiet today, Bala. Everything all right?” Walker asks from behind one of the computers.
When I pull my eyes away from Benni and glance his way, he’s staring at me pensively from over the rim of his glasses.
Nodding, I stretch out over the back of my chair, a monstrous yawn bursting its way out of my mouth. Perfect timing. “Yeah, man, I’m good. Just tired as hell. I slept like shit last night.”
“Mmm, I understand that. I have plenty of those nights myself. Sucks getting old, I’ll tell you that much,” he muses, inputting what’s on the report in his hand into
