“You can say that again.” I’m nowhere near as old as he is, and I feel that statement in my soul.
No one warned me turning thirty could be this brutal. Actually, I’m almost positive everyone told me the opposite: that thirty is the new twenty. Yeah, about that... There are days I wake up, and shit hurts that I didn’t know existed. Sleeping with the wrong pillow is sure to leave a kink in my neck. Fast food is no longer my friend, either, and I can pass out at any given moment if I close my eyes for too long. It’s kinda pathetic and not what I signed up for. I’d like to cancel my subscription and get a—
The door to the box flies open, and in comes Jordan with an extra pep in his step. Five bucks says he’s about to take another break. That’d be number two or three for the day, and it’s only eleven.
“Bala, buddy,” he jests like the fucking roid-loving asshole he is, strolling up to where I’m sitting. “I have to go get Reynoso from Seg. Can you man the block until I get back?
My blood runs ice-cold at the mention of heading out there, but I manage to keep myself in check. After all, I knew it was coming, and it’s not like I have a choice.
“Sure,” is all I offer him as I rise from my seat and try sidestepping his beefy ass, but he holds an arm out to block my exit, forcing me to stop and look him in the eye.
“My bad about yesterday, man. Seriously. It was wrong of me to assume you had anything to do with any of it when you’ve been nothing but a great addition to our team.”
He’s so full of shit, but I nod regardless and push past his blockade. “Don’t sweat it. It’s all good.”
I don’t give a fuck how he feels about that—if he thinks it’s genuine or not. He and Mack are one and the same, and our vibes just don’t jive. I’ll be professional and interact as necessary, but that’s about it. I’m not here to be their friend, nor do I want to be. On the contrary, I still plan to watch them with a close eye and rebuild that case I was initially hoarding information for when I first started.
Shaky hand on the knob, I suck in a deep breath and push out into the cellblock with Jordan not far behind. He claps me on the shoulder before heading toward the gate, leaving to rein in my emotions as my eyes lock with hers. She seems surprised to see me coming out of the box, stilling in her seat with domino in hand. Relief washes over her features, the smallest smile quirking the corners of her lips, but I don’t return it.
I can’t.
A single hitch in my façade, and I won’t be able to do this.
Shifting my focus off of her, I start my way casually around the block, passing cell after cell in no particular hurry. Once I drop that note, there’s no going back. Every step closer to hers jacks up my heart rate to an erratic hammering, my stomach churning almost painfully. A sheen of sweat clings to my skin, too. That’s how nervous I am. How fucking devastated I am that I have to do this, that I have to hurt her. All the while, she’s watching me, honed in on every single move I make. I can all but hear her questions, can feel her uncertainty rolling toward me in anxious waves.
I’m so sorry, I think to myself as I stop right before her cell, eyes squeezing shut as I snake a hand into my pocket and trap the note in my fist, bracing myself for the blow. I’m sinking to my feet after that, letting the small ball slip free from my grip as I fuck with the laces of my boots. To anyone else, it looks like I’m just tying my shoes, but she knows. I know she knows I’m up to something, and when I’m certain she’s spotted the note beside me, I steal a quick glance around the block and rise to full height once more, gently kicking the ball past the threshold before continuing on as I was prior. Other than Benni, no one else paying attention to me, not a thing seems out of place.
Well, for everyone and everything else.
Me? I’m ready to fall apart now that I’ve left the note behind, raging like hellfire on the inside. My stomach’s spinning and compressing almost at the same time. And my heart? That motherfucker feels like he’s about to slam right through my chest.
This is gonna hurt. This is gonna hurt really fucking bad.
But as I’ve been reminding myself since last night, it has to be this way. We were risking way too much for stolen moments that were never supposed to be.
♫ Coming Down - Halsey
Something’s wrong.
Something’s really fucking wrong.
I didn’t even know Andrés was here today. I’d been looking for him all morning, desperately needing one of his dimpled smiles and a stolen kiss after the shitty night I had fretting over Lena, but after seeing all the other guards clock in for their shifts, I assumed he was off for the day, told myself I’d see him tomorrow as usual.
But then he emerged from the box with Jordan hustling out right behind him, and what relief I felt in finally seeing him instantly melted away when I realized the face that greeted me was not of the man I’d fallen for. There wasn’t a smile to be seen—not even the tiniest quirk of his lips. Physically it was him, but everything else was that of a cold stranger as if he were any other guard and not someone I’d let into my heart.
From the box and around the block, I watched him stride past each cell of the lower level.
