Where are my voices giving me a running commentary? It’s the strangest feeling to live with a quiet mind. It’s like being an astronaut floating effortlessly in space, grasping with his hands for things to hold on to, while gravity, what holds him down, is not there anymore.
That’s what my parts are, the gravity that keeps me grounded in my life. Will I be able to do all that by myself? Keep myself steady, keep myself firmly in the here and now? I hear a faint whisper, of course, and a giggle that sounds like silver bells ringing.
“I need coffee.” Scott comes from behind and puts his arms around me, leans his head on my shoulder. “What’s the matter?”
“It’s quiet inside. It confuses me. Scott, who am I? Elise or Lilly? Because I can’t tell anymore.”
My throat clogged when I saw the pity in his eyes.
“I don’t know, darling, you always were the same to me. I could never tell the difference unless you spoke to me. Lately, even that became hard. If you can’t tell the difference, how would it be to find a new name that all of you can identify with?”
We all like the name Lillybeth. It stands for the lily flower, for beauty, innocence, and Elizabeth. It wasn’t a voice that had said that it was more a thought that had the flavor of Sky.
“Please, don’t go away, Sky. Stay with me.”
For a moment I sense a hand on my shoulder, just as Sky has done in the past to reassure me. I reach for her hand, want to hang on to it, and refuse to accept that I might be alone. It can’t be. I won’t let it. I wipe away the tears running down my cheeks.
Scott stands at the cooking range and makes a coffee for us. He turns to me, his glance scanning my face trying to read what is happening.
“Are you okay? You are crying”
“How do you like the name Lillybeth?”
“It’s a beautiful name. It suits you.” He smiles and nods approvingly. “I like it.”
I reach into the recesses of my mind and yes; I get a sense of the Tribe being content. Maddie, playing with her doll dancing in a meadow, happy and without fear. Luke is building a fort; his concentration is on the job, as it always is, not allowing anything to distract him. And Amadeus? He’s dashing onto the field on a white stallion, a sword in his hand, ready to fight any dragons that dare to threaten us. The others are there too, carefree and untroubled, they no longer hover in the dark, are no longer plagued by monsters of our past.
They might have been born from fairy tales and stories to help a little girl in dire need, but for most of my life, they’ve been trusted friends, friends I always could rely on. Yes, yes, I hear what people say. It was all in my head.
Of course, it was. I’m not stupid! But who says that what’s in one’s head isn’t real? They gave this body real strength. They gave me real strength and real pain. It was real. Just because I have names for my pain doesn’t make it less real. Just because at times I lost myself in them, doesn’t make it any less real.
They helped me leave the forest of my childhood that was filled with real monsters and real dangers. Monsters that are behind bars now. Dangers I survived and fears I conquered.
Bloody hell, I’ve done it all. And I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. And to people who think they can judge me? Go ahead if you’re narrow-minded. I, for once, don’t give a damn.
“Did you ask me if I want coffee?”
“Yes, dear. I wondered where you went.”
I blush and turn around with two coffee mugs and pass one to Scott. “I’m so used to talking to the Tribe inside my head, I’ve to remind myself that you can’t read my thoughts. Today’s events are still raw and tumble through my mind. Most of all, though, I’m amazed by how lucky I am that I’ve found you.”
“You found me? I think I have found you if we’re honest. Remember the smoking cooking range?”
“Are we going to fight about it?”
“No, we’ve found each other, that’s the important thing.”
After that confession, I have to give him a hug. He flinches when I press on his wounded arm.
“First you have to make sure that this arm is healing and then we have to talk about our next steps. After that, we need to think about our future now that we solved the Gateway mystery.”
“Are you guys coming to look at my new room?”
Rena stands on top of the stairs.
By the look of it, our future is an open book.
I like that.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lillybeth: 5 June 2017, Wright’s Homestead
“What are you looking at?”
Scott doesn’t respond. He sits opposite me at the breakfast table gazing at me with adoration as if I’m a masterpiece at the Louvre. It makes me nervous. I’m not a hundred-year-old piece of perfection. I’m a normal person with cracks and signs of wear and tear.
Slices of toast are roasting on the range next to the piping hot coffee, spreading the distinct aroma of home sweet home, lazy breakfasts together, and more than anything, normality throughout the house. Never would I have believed this kind of normal would be something I would ever experience. Yet here I am, most likely the happiest person on planet earth. I still find it hard at times to accept that I deserve this wonderful life.
Storms no longer frighten me with Scott at my side. It’s as if the sun had broken through the dark clouds of turmoil and agony, and eased
