I smiled briefly. “I know.” But I couldn’t. How could I explain how jumbled I felt inside, especially when Robert cared for me so dearly and so much of my confusion centered on another man?
We resumed walking, and our conversation continued. I enjoyed our time together, no doubt. It was easy and comfortable. Most people would be thrilled at the prospect of such a match—cousins, equal enough in situation and wealth, who got on well together. Perhaps I was ungrateful to turn my nose up at what Robert offered.
I had no business being confused when my path was set so clearly before me. There were worse things than a lifetime full of pleasant afternoon walks. And besides, the thought of rejecting Robert was a scary one—terrifying, even—for there was no easy alternative, no simple path forward.
But my thoughts disregarded reason, wandering into dangerous territory. Who would I, Juliet Graham, be if I married Robert? What would I become? Certainly nothing like the Juliet in the stairwell last night with Halstead, all passion and flame. That Juliet had no place beside Robert.
And that is what frightened me most of all.
Chapter Sixteen
“Juliet, did you not hear Lady Ellen?” Hugh asked across the dinner table.
I set down my wine glass as everyone turned to stare at me. “Pardon me, but I did not.”
“Poor Miss Graham is so far down the table, she probably cannot hear us,” Lady Wollerton said. “We have been talking of today’s rising temperatures and debating about whether we might have a Saint Martin’s summer.”
I nodded. “It was warmer today, come to think of it. And I certainly don’t think any of us would complain about a few nicer days before winter sets in.”
“That’s just it,” Lady Ellen said. “We must take advantage of this short turn in the weather. Shall we have a picnic tomorrow?”
General assent sounded up and down the table.
I glanced at Halstead, who, like me, kept quiet.
“Perhaps we could play some battledore,” Robert suggested, his mouth quirked in excitement.
Lady Margaret offered a timid smile. “I have never played battledore, but I would be willing to learn.”
“Then, learn you shall,” Lord Aberdeen announced.
The dowager’s mouth twisted. “I have never understood the desire to eat out of doors, exposed to the elements.” She didn’t seem to be afraid of going against the general consensus. “Isn’t that the purpose of buildings? To stay inside?”
“Oh, let them have their fun.” The duchess set down her fork. “There is no need for you to join in if you don’t wish to.”
“I enjoy a good romp outdoors every so often.” Lord Wollerton set his fist on the table with a thump. “I say we join them. It’ll help keep us young.”
Lady Margaret turned toward Halstead, meeting his eyes over her wine glass. “And what about you, Your Grace? Will you join us?”
I paused mid-bite.
Halstead touched one of the buttons at his wrist, a slight upward tilt to his lips. “We may as well make an afternoon of it.”
My fork clattered against my plate. “Excuse me,” I said at once. I took a sip of wine to cover my embarrassment until the conversation resumed.
Until now, Halstead had made no effort to attend anything but a few dinners and an evening here and there in the drawing room. But it seemed Lady Margaret’s company would change all that. The thought of being forced to watch him and Lady Margaret together while I receded into the background made my head swim. And then, at the end of the week, there would be the ball, where not only Hugh and Lady Ellen were expected to announce their betrothal, but Halstead and Lady Margaret as well.
Robert turned toward me. “I enjoyed our time together this afternoon.” He spoke in soft undertones so our conversation would remain private.
“And I as well.” I made no move to pick up my fork again. I had already drawn enough attention to myself for one night.
He raised a brow. “You do not seem overly excited at the prospect of a picnic.”
No sense in lying when I didn’t have to. I clamped my tongue between my teeth before giving Robert a pained smile. “I bit my tongue is all. I am afraid it’s still smarting.”
“Are you already conjuring up excuses for when I beat you at battledore?” Lines creased around his mouth as he tried to keep a straight face.
I tipped my nose into the air. “How very unchivalrous of you to take my injury so lightly. Now I shall have to win, if only to teach you a lesson.”
“I daresay I am more than willing to learn.” He gave me a look—one that was growing more frequent—that I didn’t quite know how to read. So I gave a light laugh and continued the conversation, while my mind began turning over possibilities about what tomorrow would bring.
The next afternoon I joined the others on the steps on the east side of the castle. We stood in the shadows, and even with the unseasonably warm temperatures, I shivered, glad I’d worn my pelisse.
Lady Ellen looked around in satisfaction. “I think everyone is here. The picnic baskets have been sent on ahead. Shall we be off?”
Hugh extended his arm for her, and she took it. Lord Aberdeen took Lady Margaret’s arm, and Robert and I took up the rear. Our group seemed small, but the others had chosen to take a barouche. I supposed I should at least be grateful Aunt Agnes had declined the invitation. She’d claimed too much sun gave her a headache. Perhaps that was one of the reasons her manner was always so dour.
Robert tucked my arm into his. The gesture was easy, natural. I wondered that I didn’t feel anything more when we touched, but perhaps it was only because we’d known one another for
